Beautiful Words From An Inebriated Crook

You're soft

and moving

You're on fire--

live from the stage,

closer, so the sun

may open your throat

allow me to see inside.

 

 

Let me breathe (why?) so I can cringe

(what for?) to feel sheltered by her device (yeah?)

and that her music may spare me

another day, another bowl to circle (oh)

 

 

Don't leave, don't leave

bury my lung

closer, so the sun

won't scorch her insides

 

 

Can you let me speak? (what would you say?)

violence wasn't a voice

(isn't it?) no, it's a bone stuck in the cog (yeah?)

she'll abandon her post, closer, let's hope she doesn't burn,

and notice my weak stares...

 

You're sweet

but I can't prove

how you move me...

still live from the stage.

You're a haven--

my savior

but don't fly too near,

lest my lung singe

I can still peer inside.

 

 

I might push her (yeah?) over the edge

what do you think? (sounds neat)

Are you impressed, even if we weren't so blessed? (what for?)

I thought you would be--

don't ask me for a piece of God, I'll take you there. (where else?) 

 

come here, stay here

bury my lung

closer, so the sun

won't scorch her insides

you know how it feels

live from the stage; you might trip up

closer, too close

so the sun--

may bury my lung,

closer, now I can peek inside

just me, not the sun.

Reviews

[G.A. Collins]

This is incredibly cryptic, and enticingly beautiful. The intimacy of your wording is impeccable, and I especially liked your style, using brackets to segment the dialogue, and bring the words from the page (or should I say, screen) and into a realistic voiced piece. It's a gem of poetry, this.

[Traci]

This is the first piece of yours I've read and am quite impressed. Nice flow and imagery, capturing so much emotion throughout. I will be reading more of you :)

[Vile]

Thank you for the kind words, I look forward to hearing more from you. :D

[zaneybear]

I loved the flow of this and the little out side thoughts, words persay in the brackets really helped capture the emotion even more, I enjoyed this. keep writing, I only have good things to say so far

[Vile]

Thank you, thank you. :D

[Sarah Redigan]

breath taking .. i don't even know what part to pull to tell you i loved the most it flowed amazingly .. nice write

[Vile]

Ah, you're too kind, glad you enjoyed it. :D

[Marie]

Really inebriated. really.

[Phalguni Rao]

Love the conversational style you've used with the little afterthoughts in the brackets. I'm not really a poem person, but I really liked this one! :D

[one sky]

Thought-provoking piece. I love the flow, sounds like a song. Nice concept and format. You're a young talented man.

This tells about your request for somebody (could be your angel) to help you so that she (your loved one) won't be hurt.

The last two lines are very effective. Bravo!

[Vile]

Thank you for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it. :D

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

There is a lot of fabulous imagery in this one, and the flow was really quite nice. I could easily see this one being read aloud, because the phrasing is so well thought out. I find the concept slightly cryptic, but that adds to the charm of the write overall. Some of the images are superb:

closer, so the sun
may open your throat
allow me to see inside-- this one in particular really had me.

There is a bit of repetition in this one...not sure that you need all of it, but I see the reason why you've done it in terms of driving home that somewhat frenzied feeling of the write. I also like the italicize portions, because it's like an inner struggle being played out...I used this device a bit in my own writing, because it makes for a completely different feel and flow to the piece. Overall...well done. I will be reading more of you :)

[Vile]

Lovely review once again, I truly appreciate the interest you've taken in my writing. :D
And yes, as you guessed, their is a specific reason for all the repetition. With any of my writing, I never do anything by accident, I assure you anything I do, no matter how small a detail, I do for a specific purpose.

[Zachary_James]

I have you know, this is just brilliant the imagery portrayed in this piece is just beautiful here are some lines that stood out!

You're soft

and moving

You're on fire--

live from the stage,

closer, so the sun

may open your throat

allow me to see inside.





Let me breathe (why?) so I can cringe

(what for?) to feel sheltered by her device (yeah?)

and that her music may spare me

another day, another bowl to circle (oh)


These couple of lines, really made me enjoy this more. You are one talented person, please keep writing poems like this, because you are just brilliant.

[Vile]

Ah, such kind words, thank you, I truly appreciate it. :D

[poetdoug]

You certainly are gifted with stirring up thoughts and comments by your writing.
Good work. Keep it up my friend.

[Annabelle Lee]

I got lost in this one. Not sure if I mean in the good way or not...... The words fit well together and if they had been notes, would have made for a fantastic melody, however the lyrics not quite understandable