Numbness - Death

Ocean was serenest

My heart was disrest

I was down and hurt

No sign of relief to get

I wrote your name on my hand

I tried to rub it hard

It was curved with razor sharped weapon

Nothing to do as it was wide and open

I tried to kiss it hard

It left just infliction and scars

I peeled my skin, which fled was pure blood

Infliction was more eyes were numb

I drainpipe my nerve

It was tardily blood bode

It was demise to happen

I’m losing my hope often

It was lost

It was cast

Mind was lugged

Thus I was dead

Sounded so loud

I went profound

Ledge was shallow

I went deep inside and hollow

I was no more

I was nowhere

Reviews

[Astro]

I could sense the darkness in your lines but too many adjectives and adverbs improperly spelled or used took away from the flow and body. This was a hard one for me to get into because of it. A few examples:
"My mind was lugged"
"Ocean was serenest"
"I drainpipe my nerve"
"It was tardily blood bode"
Keep working on grammar.

[Vikrantsingh]

:P
Thanks Astro :) will learn bit and pieces... will make sure next no extra use of adjectives and adverbs ;)

Thanks again :)
Singh :)

[Cybertooth]

Ocean was serenest
My heart was disrest
I was down and hurt
No sign of relief to get
I wrote your name on my hand
I tried to rub it hard
It was curved with razor sharped weapon
Nothing to do as it was wide and open

Great work

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much for reviewing and visiting my page :)
- Singh :)

[Supercop]

I’m losing my hope often
It was lost
It was cast
Mind was lugged
Thus I was dead
Sounded so loud
I went profound
Ledge was shallow
I went deep inside and hollow
I was no more
I was nowhere

This is so touching my friend loved it.

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much for reviewing and visiting my page :)
- Singh :)

[Ravyne Hawke]

This is a nice dark write, Singh. I loved some of the imagery, even if grammatically it made no sense.. like this:

"I drainpipe my nerve"

a drainpipe is a noun, but you've used it as a verb here. Normally, I would say you are taking poetic license too far, but I actually like that metaphor! So what to do, what to do? Keep practicing your English grammar, Singh.. you are doing better and better with each poem.

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much for reviewing and visiting my page :)
- Singh :)

[Manali]

Your last couple of lines left me feeling very sad.. Very touching.

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much Manali :)
It was my very close friend death which I tried to narrate here.read moreThank you so much Manali :)
It was my very close friend death which I tried to narrate here.
I hope you felt what exactly happens when you miss someone who is close enough to you :(

Singh :)

[Mark]

kind of a kaleidoscope with a lot of blood and bone in it. :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Yes, Mark this strike me when i was going through my mood swings and felt very bad.
Thus, I wrote this poem. Just to calm down a little and it really worked for me :)

Singh :)

[Sugar Plum ♥]

very painful poem, sounds as tragic escape of love...Sometimes lead us to death, the end was provoking with the lines :
I went deep inside and hollow
I was no more
I was nowhere

so empty feeling, like you sink in a deep cave, terrifying...very true...

-nour-
11.06.013

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much Sugar Plum :)

Love you review :)
Cheers!
Singh :)

[smilempsn]

Eeee..... such a topic.... didn't expected from you...
hmm nicely captured the feeling of being Numb.. Numb for long means Dead.. Dead in a way, that people can see us... feel us.. But we don't care about anything else..

Thought it ended with nice words.. Still I got confused..

'I was no more
I was no nowhere' -- no nowhere ???
I mean cant it be simple 'I was nowhere' ?? or may be there will be some reason you wrote that ways :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Made changes as per your requirement ;) thanks Smilempsn :)

Cheers!
Singh :)

[Onku Ghosh]

I tend to agree with everyone in saying that too many adjectives didn't bring out what you were trying to say.Not one of your best poems.Please don't feel bad because you are a great poet, otherwise

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you Onku :) I will try next time i don't use them :D

[tuvi]

viks ...

too many adjectives but apart from that the work is good ...
not everything is can be rosy cos we live on earth and not everyone is angel here :)

tuvi

[Vikrantsingh]

Thanks you Tuvi :)