Strong

Just missed some links back tracked. Just read it and review it with your kind words.

Someday I will go so far

You would remember me in your scar

I would leave my wounds open 

I would keep itching them so that they keep green for days often. 

 

It was love which kept me alive

Now it’s your detest which makes me strong 

Now you avoid me 

Now to scorning.

 

Shall I assume? 

Or shall I resume? 

Or shall I accept it over?

When it’s not moreover. 

 

Listen to your voice my love.

Which will let me appear how I was deceived. 

Shall learn from my current mistakes.

I would not repeat this with other's ache.

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Vikrantsingh

As promised I have popped over to your page to have a look at some of your pieces and I found this little gem.

Friend, I am not that well as you know at the moment and my brain is dulled by sedatives. So please excuse me if my review is less than you deserve.

These days, I just have to leave my mind as open as possible and let my fingers type in review until I stop typing.

Please take these comments in all kindness as they come, random thoughts numbered as if to lend them a refined logic they do not own.

So to my review:

1) Structure of the poem: Four, four line stanzas. Good it has shape.

2) Rhymes: At first they seem regular but you move out of them only to move back in.

To explain what I mean let's take the first, third and forth stanzas. The rhymes at the end of each line are - aabb. That is they are rhyming couplets. The first and second lines rhyme in each stanza as do the third and fourth.

However you buck your own rule in the second stanza where none of the words at the end of each stanza rhyme.

It seems to me, that all you need to do, should you wish to make this poem more eloquent that it already is, you might take stanza two and reshape it like the others into your otherwise aabb rhyming style.

3) Rhythm / metre: This is all about the beat or sound of what poetry strictly defines as 'Iambs'. Some poets can get so complex as to produce poems with lines which can be called for example 'iambic pentameter' that is every line has five resonant beats.

However, for most of us, poetry need not be so formulaic. It is free expression of mood and thoughts without need for such constraints. Indeed poetry must be allowed to be what it wants to be as written from the heart by the poet in my view.

However to keep some sort of beat, it is often helpful just to look at the relative length of each line. And if you look carefully at this poem the fourth line of the first stanza is considerably longer than any other and in so doing your beat gets lost for an instant.

Suggestion to help you? Maybe just shorten that line a little without removing its meaning. It can be hard as a poet trying to do rhyme and metre at the same time as trying to convey a mood, feeling and some aspect of meaning. Sometimes one or more will get in the way of the others.

Anyway food for thought.

4) Punctuation: What you do here is use capitals letters at the start of each line (except for the second line of the final stanza) and then end them all with a comma except for the last line where you use a full stop. If one wanted to be very grammatical about it, there are actually sentences in here, which would suggest the need for full stops elsewhere and even questions which might suggest the need for a question mark.

What you are doing here is a half-way house. That is partly punctuating with commas and a full stop and actually using a lower case word at the beginning of lines which otherwise have capitals. Actually I really don't have a problem with that as what fascinates me more is the meaning behind your words which I am about to get onto.

Again a mere suggestion, but should you wish to add further refinery to this already well written piece, I would either properly punctuate or not punctuate at all. But I would certainly make 'which' at the beginning of the second line of your last stanza 'Which' Just a thought and no more.

5) Grammar: The word 'make' in the second line of your second stanza I think should be 'makes' if I read you right. Also the word 'deceive in the second line of your last line I think should be 'deceived'.

6) And now to meaning / allusion / emotional reaction / favourite lines: Whatever I do in reading or more to the point in reviewing is I always focus on what the poem means to me and seeking out what the poem actually means to the writer. They may match they may not.

I love your first stanza, where I see much meaning relevant to my own life. It is so well written, it's just I would shorten the last line:

'Someday I will go so far,
You would remember me in your scar,
I would leave my wounds open,
I would keep itching them so that they keep green for days often,'

This is a poem of loss of deep wounds and loss of certainty as to whether a relationship is or off due to the behaviours of either or both parties. In pursuing the relationship, scar tissue has collected over the wounds.

I would like to quote to you here some wise words of a colleague of ours on here in a personal email to me which have the same type of meaning / import to my life, yours and us all. I shall not mention the friend's name. But they go as follows:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is always a strange thing how we as humans cope with difficulties in our life. We tend to shy away from them in the beginning and let them heal a little bit. Then when the scab seems fine, we go ahead and scratch it open again to face the pain all over again. This process is repeated time and time again as that scab slowly fades.

And what is left? A bright pink mark on our skin. Always there to remind of us what had happened. Always there. A mere blemish on our lives.

It might be healed, but we will always chary the scarred tissue from it."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may see his point in relation to some of my writing and now my transposing it onto your words.

Next lift of favourite lines:

'Shall I assume,
Or shall I resume,
Or shall I accept it Over,
When it’s not moreover',

Why do I like them apart from meaning (which next)? It is the aabb rhyming couplets and sentences of equal length.

As for meaning, this resembles so many parts of my life in relationships where I am not sure nor is the other party able to say whether the relationship is still on, now off or somewhere in between.

Profound well expressed words on your part.

I shall leave my review there as it is already way over long.

But let me just summarise.

7) Overview: A poem full of powerful personal meaning, intimately recited, with many well sculpted lines, a couple of tiny grammatical points and then just something for you to think about in shape.

Friend, I am pleased to have been able to read this poem, which is so personal to you, but where you convey a meaning which I relate to easily as may many others too.

I do hope that this review helps you by making you think about a couple of things.

With my best wishes

Your friend

James

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much James.
I will read it again and review it once more. You simply refine my work and gave me strong understanding of english.
I will read it once i'm idle and will share my love back to you :)

Kind Regards,
Vikrantsingh Parmar :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Thank you for all your kindness, James

[Vikrantsingh]

:)

[smilempsn]

..wOOw.. I loved the review James.. Luks like you gave quiet a thought...and ur time to this piece..for polishing it.... ^-^

[Vikrantsingh]

:D he is the best ;)

[smilempsn]

:)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Thanks friends, James

[Vikrantsingh]

James now i got time. I wish you have better health soon and I'm praying each day and night when i do get time too. You have/had always teaching what i must learn. You have better understanding and good power of elaborately explaining each line and stanza must carry.

I will obey them and will read your work more carefully and question if I have any problem understanding - Hope you don't mind.

Will follow rhymes aabb, will follow Punctuation and other rhymes which are missed or skipped.

Thanks again James, I wish you all the best in health.

With Love always your follower :)
- Vikrantsingh Parmar.

P.S: I'm happy you like my poems and share your view :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Vikrantsingh

You are ever so kind

Your friend

James

[Vikrantsingh]

:)

[Shivam Murari]

The words are strong. I can feel the strength coming, rather popping, out of it! But the rhymes are fragile. The meter goes completely off at points. Otherwise, a brilliant write.

[Vikrantsingh]

Thanks Shivam, I must state this you point out better bottle neck issue which I use to face early.read moreThanks Shivam, I must state this you point out better bottle neck issue which I use to face early.
I hope you will enjoy few of my work - poem's which i wrote recently.

Thank you mate :)
- Singh :)

[Shivam Murari]

Yes, I am clearing off my read requests. But since I am quite busy, it will take some time for me to reach your recent poems. and by then your recent poems would have become old :P

[Vikrantsingh]

lol i don't mind :D

[Sugar Plum ♥]

very painful and deep poem...I like your love-poems, they are real and heart touching..and contain images of life. Everyone felt the suffer of broken heart, but as you add so wisely in the end..you shouldn`t take this behavior to affect your future love...let it go...

-nour-
June-013

[Vikrantsingh]

Sugar thanks again, I'm loving your comments much appreciated :)
Singh :)

[Pallavi Chaturvedi]

None of my words can justify your creation. A heartbroken but still lovely poem :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much pallavi :)

[Pallavi Chaturvedi]

You are welcome :)

[Vikrantsingh]

:D

[Frieda P]

Unfortunately I was stuffing my face when I read this. The imagery here is disturbing, but that's what makes it. Sad and and tells a story of betrayal, luckily we learn from our mistakes, sometimes, anyway. Needs a bit of editing but the emotion comes through loud and clear. Nice one!

[Vikrantsingh]

Thanks Frieda :)
Much appreciated :)

Cheers!!
Singh :)

[Frieda P]

My pleasure Singh :-)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Seems that I have the same feelings right now.
*how I was deceived
I like the flow of words. Nice rhyming.
Good job, Singh.

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much Dhaya
Loved you review (:

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Ha. It's Dhaye. :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Oops! My bad :( Dhaye :)

[Baby Ricochet]

Good rhymes. Flow is kind of choppy. But that's not a bad thing. Great poem

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much Ricochet
Much appreciated. Your views and reviews

Cheers!!
read moreThank you so much Ricochet
Much appreciated. Your views and reviews

Cheers!!
Singh :)

[smilempsn]

first two lines..... just told the whole story in your poem....
Heartbreaks are never easy.. They leave their scars.... But its up to us, whether to keep looking at them, or to move on ....
Well I know, saying is much easier... But being in such situation..hmm believe me..when I say 'I understand the feeling' :) :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Thank you so much for talking your time and reviewing my work.
Makes more sense to me :)
Loved your comments :)

Cheers!!
Singh :)

[smilempsn]

Edited the poem aa.... Luks nice ^-^

[Vikrantsingh]

Thanks again Sweets :)

[smilempsn]

..hehe.. :P

[Vikrantsingh]

:D

[KAOlmsted]

Great stuff. Gritty and powerful. Thanks for sharing this with us!

[Vikrantsingh]

Thanks Kaolmsted, I always love you review.
You teach me new things with your reviews and points which I need to improve in.
Loved it.

Cheers!!
Vikrantsingh Parmar.

[KAOlmsted]

Really? Because all I said was it was great stuff...as for that which needs improving...meh...you're not from my neck of the woods so I will learn from you ;-)

मेरी खुशी है

I hope to god that says it is my pleasure xD Because it is...

[Vikrantsingh]

Yes, Obviously,
It's my pleasure such a wonderful comments. I'm getting.
However, I write poems when i'm way low or sad. This came and knocked me during my worst mood swings.

Much appreciated Kaolmsted. You wrote to me in Hindi.
*Dancing*
Loved your reviews always.
They give me better output and time to think where I tend to make more mistakes.
I'm poor at past tense. :(
Working on it.

Cheers & Love !!
Vikrantsingh Parmar

[KAOlmsted]

You may call me kimmer...my name is Kimberly, but everyone I know shares in the whimsical indulgence that is...kimmer ;-) My 9 year old daughter just finished a "Passport Tour" in her social studies class and she learned some nice Hindi words...thank Christ I didn't call you a syphilitic pigeon xD (not that they would teach 9 year olds those words) ;-)

I digress...

[Vikrantsingh]

No no it was perfectly good मेरी खुशी है - is my happiness.
I understand you are learning good language. You can use google translator :P
Thanks i will address you Kimmer :P

- Vikrantsingh Parmar.

[KAOlmsted]

Cheers...may I call you singh? I have a character in my novel named Dr. Singh. Just saying ;-) He only has a walk-on role, but...that is his name.

[Vikrantsingh]

Wow.. I'm gonna have a part in your novel "With Pleasure Kimmer - Its my pleasure & I'm delight to be called with "Singh".
My name is divided in Vikrant (name) Singh (its used as Lastname or with name in India) Parmar (last name).
I won't mind you call me by any name ;)
We are friend :)

Cheers!!
Singh.. I must use this now ofttimes :)

[Ravyne Hawke]

Interesting break-up poem. For the most part, I like the flow of this. Line 4 of stanza 1 is very confusing and off-beat. You may wish to reword it, make it shorter so that it stays with the flow. Although there are a few grammatical mistakes, they do not detract from the sadness of this poem. Great job!

[Vikrantsingh]

Thanks Lori :)
Loved your review :D

Cheers!!
Vikrantsingh