Chapter 6

Chapter 6

            Summers bore me. We do the same things every day. When my oldest sisters here we have to watch music videos all day. Life is boring. Life is really hard. I dream of all the shows I watch. Almost as if I’m in them. I wish I could live in a dream.

            Day 12…..I think. I still haven’t eaten. I can barely stand. This actually works though. Now I get to be in bed all day with the tv on. Too bad I can’t keep my eyes open long enough. I hear my siblings continue their daily routines. The door opens “You’re so weird. Why do you do stuff like this? Watch when dad comes back. He’s going to be really mad. O no. is he coming back? In church they said Jesus survived without eating for 30 days. I hope he doesn’t come back before that. I’m half way there. The good thing about this is now I get visitors. They all ask me why I won’t eat. I don’t want to tell them I’m trying to die. “When I swallow it hurts. I feel like I’m going to choke on my food.” They kiss me and hug me. They say comforting things. Call them if I’m hungry. That’s not going to happen. I’m starving right now. And I haven’t called. I need to use the restroom. All this water goes right through me. I walked to the bathroom and it was light out. I woke up in my brothers arms. It was dark now.

            “Your son is dying. I need you to see him. Please talk to him.” I can hear her voice. She really is scared. Why doesn’t she tell me she’s scared? She’s constantly telling me she loves me. But I don’t believe her. Demons lie. When I look in the mirror I don’t know who I am. My face is bone. I wear a jacket in the summer so keep my body from freezing. A gust of wind could pick me up and take me away. I’ll never forget that moment. I looked at myself. And smiled. That was short lived. Later that night here he was. Same face. What I was hoping for was a hug. Maybe something like. Son I love you, I’m going to change. Everything’s going to be ok. “Sit down. Eat this.” I don’t think they filled him in. I’m not eating anymore. “Uhhh I can’t it hurts when…” that look. I hate that look. “Look if you don’t eat right now I swear I will make you wish you were never born.” I didn’t know what to say. One thing was for sure. I wasn’t about to eat anything. “I can’t do this. If he wants to die let him. Come let’s talk in the room.” At least my mom will be happy now.

            I never was particularly close with my oldest sister. She was never really around. She had no reason. That wasn’t her dad. “Please. Just eat something. We don’t want him to hurt you. We love you.” We? Who’s we? Do you mean everyone else? She wasn’t crying. And she wasn’t scared. She was worried. Now love is a complicated feeling for us. None of us really understand it. But they know this. They don’t want me to die. Why? Maybe because it’ll make their lives even worse. Maybe they do care. But we believe whatever lies we tell ourselves to keep going. But I don’t want to keep going. But they do. “Ok I’ll do it. Can I have a napkin?” I’m not going to give up. I’m going to do this. Ill chew. Wipe my mouth and ever so slightly. Spit it out in the napkin. This has to be around day 20. It won’t be much longer.            

            Of course this didn’t last long. When they took napkins away from me I used my shirt sleeves. Now I couldn’t wear a shirt. They took me to hospitals. They spoke to me. They said it was just a little faze. I was going to eat when I was ready. Of course I made sure I spoke to them in a way I didn’t seem like I was hopeless. But you see. I realized they weren’t going to let me out this easy. I was going to have to live this life with them, no matter how bad. Because were a family. And that’s what families do. We left. Started driving home. I looked up from the back seat. “Can we get something to eat?” I don’t remember if they smiled. I seriously don’t. I barely remember much. I just wanted to sleep. We stopped at a restaurant I chose. Somewhere I liked because of the puzzles they had on the coloring sheets they give kids. And ate. And ate. This whole time I never felt like I was killing myself, never once. Not until I swallowed that first bite.

            It’s been great. Seriously. I have my energy back. Everyone’s been extremely nice. I don’t know how, because we never believed in Santa, but we woke up on Christmas and our whole living room was filled with toys! Not just any toys. The expensive ones. “Merry Christmas kids!” What do I go for first? These don’t even have our names on them. There for all of us. All except one. “To the boys” it said. That’s me and my brothers. It was the new game system. All I could think of is how my brother and I are going to sit down all night with each other and play this. There’s only one controller. I’ll just watch. My little brother is talking now. One day I’ll show him.

            “Don’t worry about it. No one’s going to find out. I know what I’m doing.” My mom looks worried. She has to ruin everything. Why can’t you be happy? You don’t like the necklace he got you? My sister loves her earrings. She’s actually smiling. From one day to the next our house felt like the holidays. My dad made a fake fireplace out of cardboard and paper. Hung little stockings on it to. The windows with that fake snow. How could anyone be unhappy? He really is changing things around here. Even though she looks worried. I know she’s smiling inside.

            This was what a family was supposed to be. This is was the dream I heard of so many times. Old habits die hard of course and we tussled about. There was times we’d come home from school and my dad sleeping on the couch. My little brother actually got into a drawer of tape once and taped everything in the house. Even when we were cleaning it up we couldn’t stop laughing. This must have taken him all day, but things were ok. My dad was keeping himself in line just enough for mom not to notice. And we learned to keep out mouth shut. It was better that way. I could do this you know. Maybe you know be happy. But my mom was damaged. Broken to the point where he couldn’t even fix her. She’s one part I wish I didn’t have to live with.