Chapter 4

Chapter 4

“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! I need to get out of here!” I am gasping for air. My lungs fill tight. I am sweating, all sense out the window…literally. My brothers and sisters hollering for me to calm down. Trying to tackle me to keep me still. They guard the doors. “Keep him in everyone’s going to see him! Moms going to be so mad!” you’re not keeping me in. I want to breathe. The jump from the window won’t hurt too much. Plus I don’t want to die. Out I go. No shoes or socks. Down the street. In our run down “gated community” which is really a bunch of low end mobile homes with gates around the perimeter. I am running. As fast as I can. Gravel on my feet. I can finally breathe. But this is short lived. Here my brother comes. Faster and stronger than me. “I am tired of you doing this get in the house!” I know what is coming. He is going to hurt me. They are going to watch. And my mom will hear about this. “Do what you have to do. We don’t need the neighbors knowing you guys are here all day.” I am starting to feel like I am a problem. The Domains problem.

People need order and in any society there are ranks. Ones who have more say then others. Some who simply assist the higher ups for a better way of living and most importantly. The bottom feeders. Those who simply aren’t cut out for ruling in their environment. Because what is a ruler with no one to rule? I am that bottom feeder. It is not subliminal. There is them and me. I am a group of one, so how could I form any type of dominance? I know something is wrong. I know I don’t want this. They know I am delusional. They know this is our lives.

Business goes back to usual. After the tears have settled and the shouting calmed down. It was almost peaceful. As if nothing happened. My life is back to normal. “Hey come here, look at this.” My brother would do this routinely. His responsibility to discipline is now over. He wanted to have some fun. Be a kid. “If you twist these ketchup packets from the middle and throw them against the wall they explode like a blood splatter”. You would think this was a bad idea. Like there would be repercussion to this. That was true, at least for me. He knew he was untouchable. He had his place in the ranks of this house. Me on the other hand. I am just going to enjoy the moment. And in my mind all I could think about was how the boy who was just attacking me somehow transformed. He was now being what he was meant to be. A brother.

            He was absolutely reckless. His idea of a good time was always something that involved either something braking into hundreds of pieces. Or having the potential to brake a few bones in your body. The worst parts were when I was the test dummy for his “genius ideas”. “Look I am going to move the couch in the middle. Then I am going to see if I can throw you over it all the way from here to the other side where the pillows are.” “What? No I don’t want too…” that was just a whisper. He was bigger. He was stronger. Kicking and screaming is just going to anger him. So you know what. I am just going to enjoy this. And sure enough after a few tries. I was over that couch. “See it wasn’t even that bad. Don’t be a wimp” In an odd way. I cared about him. Even though I was waiting for the day he would snap me in half. It never came. He was ordered to do a lot of things. And chose to do others, but he occasionally he would sit down with me and turn the Nintendo on and say. “Want to play with me?” Still till’ this day. I wait for that time to come.

            “Everyone come here. Family meeting!” She’s not screaming with anger. I walk down the hallway. I see my brothers and sisters just standing there. From just hearing the calm in her voice I know what to expect. “Hey guys. I missed you.” These past few days have been rough for me. Finally a break from it all. At least until “it” happens. “Aren’t you guys going to say Hi to your Dad? Respect your Father.” There giving hugs with one arm. You know, standing next to him. My brother doesn’t seem as much as a threat anymore. One things for sure. No more bread and microwave dinners for a while! Everyone gets dressed. My mom is happy. She’s so pretty when she’s happy. She’s so loveable when she’s happy. We’re going to escape this house tonight. Where there are no ranks. And there is no bottom feeder. There’s just a family.

            There were signs “it” was going to happen. It would start with the sleeping. Always the sleeping. He would be out for hours. Sometimes a whole day. We needed him awake when mom got home. We’re crossing our fingers on it. “Hey everyone in the car. I got to handle some errands.” That look I see in our faces. That horrible, terrible look. Why can’t you have never came back! “Don’t touch anything. And most importantly do not get out of this car.” It’s Summer time. I can feel the sweat dripping down my forehead. “I’m hungry” I don’t even know if I am. It’s just too quiet in the car. “What do you want us to do? Just shut up. He’ll be back*- soon. The suns almost down.” Were restless. This was a time before IPhones and tablets. This was a time where you made do with what you had. Too bad we didn’t have anything. “Ok he’s taking a long time I’m hungry too” Ok something is about to happen. My brother has just decided it. “There’s a bucket of KFC right here” did my sister just talk? She must be hungry too. “How long do you think it’s been in here? Well it smells fine.” We all stared at the bucket but it was like we knew what each other was thinking. This wasn’t going to end well.

            “They were in the car for 20 minutes! What kind of f*****g scavengers are you raising!” me and my brother are in my sister’s room. They have two beds in there. Belly down looking at the headboards. I’m scared. Shaking as a matter of fact. You know I never shook or got scared when my brother got me. “Look if you squeeze your butt cheeks together it doesn’t hurt as bad.” He was practically smiling. This was not a cover up. He almost enjoyed this. That man was going to have no power over him. Prove him right that you’re a dirt bag. This was his domain. This was just a temporary inconvenience. “Who the hell do you guys think you were doing? Don’t you know you could have died!” one….two…three…*SMACK*. He was right. Squeezing does help.

            “Get the hell out you f*****g junky!” “I don’t need you. Look at you. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t even take care of herself. You can’t even make up your mind. You need to get out the doorway so I can go.” Ok this is maybe a 4 on a scale of 1-10. It’ll be over soon. “No you’re not going to leave me with all these kids! Everyone get your stuff I don’t want you guys anymore. I never did. Go with your dad. He can take care of you now.” Never mind, were at a 8. I’m almost sure that we are now simply pawns in this game they play. Makes me wonder what they could have been if they didn’t have kids. If it was just them two. “Are we going to grandma’s house?” “Be quiet!....you see your mom? She’s crazy. Worthless. What kind of Mom says they don’t want their kids?” At least she’s being honest. He hasn’t started the car. Grandma’s house is the best. She always kisses me and feeds us whatever we want. Can you start the car already? “No! no! You’re not taking my kids away from me!” Well this is confusing. “Hey! Hey. Are you ok?” Our next door neighbor was a pastor at our church. He happened to just walk outside his house. Just as she ran out. How covenant. “He’s on drugs. And taking the kids! Kids get out the car now!” Man! I almost could taste the rice my Grandma was sure going to give me. “Look we don’t need to do this in front of the kids. You just leave. Kids come here let’s all hold hands and bow our heads.” Were out in the street for everyone to see. Mom….I like it better we aren’t supposed to be seen.