2. Act 2

A failed husband. A failed father. What's next?

Some people have had a very hard childhood, and I am one of these people. I was someone that simply locked them in the back of my mind and threw away the key. So you can imagine when images of the worse childhood possible flashed through my head. I was the main star of the images going through my head. At first, I could not believe as to why these bad images were plaguing me. They could not be true. Then why were they popping up in my mind? The result was that my world collapsed and I was admitted to the mental institution.

I was in the section where they lock you in. It was like a prison. It's amazing that I created my own prison in my room for years and felt safe. However, at the mental institution, I did not have a choice. I spent all the time in a small room and this did not help the thoughts from going away. It is hard to explain the effects of these flashbacks. They were very graphic and the abuse and it was like I could feel the pain once again.

The problem was that I could not accept these flashbacks. I assumed it must be my imagination at its worse. Mia visited me at the mental institution and told me that I should take these flashbacks seriously. They were so powerful that they managed to put me in a mental place.

“Sometimes I do not know who you are,” she said, “You get depressed and angry and you hide from the world. Other times you are the man that I once knew. I never know what to expect. These images that go through your head can be the key to this behavior. We can't go on with you as you have been. I will end up in here!”

When Mia left, I thought a lot about what she had to say. I was sure that what was happening in my head was just my imagination. I had a good childhood! However, I could see where I was a failure as a husband and a father. I loved my wife and I loved my children. However, I took this for granted and never shown it. I thought of Mia, that was getting tired of the marriage. I thought of Christopher that could grow up resenting me and blame me for being too hard on hin.

I wrote Mia a very long letter. The basic message was that I know that I was a bad husband and father. I wrote that my heart was in the right place. I just had to use this time at the mental institution to evaluate my life and to work at being a better person. I wrote that I hoped that Mia would forgive me and after this mental illness was over, we could live a happy life.

Mia cried when she saw the letter. It seemed like she was surprised that I wrote that I still loved her. This led to long talks where we would talk about the problems that we had. It gave Mia a chance to vent all the frustrations she had. This was hard for me, as it seemed like all the problems we had were my fault. They say there are two sides to every coin, but not in my marriage. I became depressed after Mia confirmed how bad I was.

It did not help that my mother in law came and told me to take the flashbacks seriously. She told me that I once told her that I experienced the worse things in my childhood. This confused me as I did not remember a thing. Everyone was telling me that I managed to repress the memories and lock the memories in the back of my mind. Somehow these memories were triggered and I found them hard to believe.

The next few days, reality struck me. I now started to remember things quite clearly. This was hard for Mia, as my reaction was to feel sorry for myself. When she visited me, I only talked about myself and did not seem interested when she wanted to talk about what it was like being a mother alone with two children. I did not want to speak about the boys. I just talked about myself and the horrors of my childhood.

It became harder for Mia to visit me. She stopped bringing the children as she did not want them to see me like I was. She also tried to get me to think about her and the children. Maybe I had a bad childhood, but my life had so much potential now. If I wanted I could be a good father and happily married. I did not listen to Mia. This often ended up with her crying,

Mia had enough. She walked out one day after she came for just a few minutes. She was in tears telling me that she cannot do this anymore. She told me she needed a break. This devastated me. I expected her to support me while I was at a mental institution. I rang to her several times and let her know this. Mia's reaction was to dread these phone calls and beg that I would give her some space.

I did not do this.

This ended with Mia sending me a letter:

“ I have asked you to give me some space and I needed a break. You do not realize how hard this has been for me. My husband is very sick and has been sick for years. You have had doctors and psychiatrists at the hospital to speak with and help you. I have had no one. This is why I needed a break. I needed to find new energy to help you and to accept this sickness.

While you are at the mental hospital, I have been alone with two children. I also have to work, and this is despite the confusion in my mind. The whole thing has stressed me. I feel so alone right now.

I will be honest with you, I think we can both admit that I have been alone for years. You say that you love me, but you never had any good things to say to me or the children. You did not want to be with us. You hid in your room and shut the people that you needed the most out of your life.

I needed this break to ask myself who you are. You are not the kind, gentle loving man that I fell in love with. I could deal with the sickness you have. However, I cannot go back to the marriage that we had.

I do not believe that you can change. You are a sick man, but that is not what worries me.

You have become very selfish and egocentric. You think only of yourself. Since you were admitted to the mental hospital, you have seldom asked about me or the children. You just talked about how you were suffering and confused. We are a family and it is not just all about you.

You say that you love me and the children, yet you are very manipulating and have become a monster. Again I ask myself, who are you? Was the way you were at the start just an act. Were you a monster all the time?

You cannot change. You are who you are

Mia”

We were now separated. I was sure that she would come to her senses and remember what our wedding vows were. It took me some time to see that Mia was serious. She stopped visiting me and told the hospital that she would not allow me home. I was surprised that the hospital even allowed this. They knew that the house was also in my name and I was still the father of my children. This prolonged my stay at the mental hospital. I was still being selfish and expected the world to be sorry for me. Not once did I think of how the children were or why my wife was so set on this separation.

I could have saved my marriage. It was a bit late when I was in a mental place. As Mia never visited me, I could never speak with her. Looking back at it, it was too late to save a marriage. I should have shown that I could change years earlier!

Mia wanted a divorce and custody of the children. She came to visit me so I could sign the papers. She pleaded that I would think of someone else but myself. I did this and within weeks the divorce was final.

I was finally released from the mental hospital and lived in a detached house. I was on disability because my metal health swung so much. The main thing is that I was alone.

This was so hard. I missed Mia and the children so much. I had to learn how to be by myself. I still did not want to go out and meet people. I had anxiety every time I was in a crowd. I had to cook, do the housework and things I always let other people would do. It was an uphill struggle. It was nearly like I was in mourning. Every day I would think about Mia and hope she would be back in my arms.

This did not happen. Mia did not speak to me since the day we got divorced. I suggested that we would meet in some cafe or just be friends. She was very clear that she did not even want to be friends. She wanted me out of her life. This was hard for me to accept. Did Mia not know that she was my life? Did she really think I was an evil monster?

Mia met another man called Steen. They ended up getting married. It was at this stage that I knew that Mia moved on and I was her past. I met Steen a few times and must admit he was a nice man that took care of Mia. I could see that they really loved each other.

This made me look deep in my soul and ask myself who I was. What I saw was ugly and many things Mia has said were true. I had to work on myself. This was also because I still had two children and they still visited me. So I started trying to think of them and not be as moody or sick. I did not want them to worry about me. I knew I had many failings as a Dad. I needed to prove to my children that people can change. I needed to show them that I loved them.

It was a slow process and this process will never stop. Step by step I tried being the father that they deserved. I could never make up for what I have done to them, but I could give them new experiences. The children noticed I was trying to change and they gave me a chance to do so. I was a winner. I have seen them with a new light. I never thought I had anything in common with Christopher, and this was not true. When I did not pressure him and gave him a chance to be himself, he was one of the most interesting people I knew. Both my boys grew to be young men, and they have enriched my life and helped me become a better man.

The hardest thing to do was to forgive myself. I was a person I did not like. What would I be like if we never got divorced? I had to forgive my failings and be a light for the few people that were in my life.

I accepted that Mia finally found love and was happy. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to live her fairytale. As for me, I decided that I did not want to find new love. Mia would always be the love of my life. We were only married 14 years, and many of those were a mess. This did not stop me from thinking that Mia would always have that special place in my heart.

Things change, and my life was drastically changed when I was out shopping one day. On my way home, I noticed that an old woman was carrying several bags. How could one woman carry so much? I offered to carry them for her. This was a struggle as they were very heavy. Still, I did not want the old woman to carry them.

We talked on the way to her flat. She lived alone with her cats and was very lonely. I listened as she told me about her life, that was so sad. I did not complain about mine. I just listened to her. It seemed as if she had a lot to say as she did not know when she would speak with a human again.

When we were at her flat, I gave her my telephone number and told her to ring me anytime. I told her that she should also ring when she was shopping as we could shop together and I could help her.

This overwhelmed her as she told me, “If more people were as kind as you, there would be no lonely people. I want to give you a present. You see, I have special powers and can give people a wish and make their wishes come true. Tell me, what is your wish?”

I was in shock and just looked at her. Was she so senile that she thought she can make dreams come true?

What was my wish?

To be continued