7. La La Land

Lourdes Father ensures that she does what is expected

My health declined over the following days. I could not get out of my bed. I could not speak or move that much. I could not drink or eat. My bones would be aching and I would sweat even though I was so cold. Miss Joyce was at my bedside all the time. She would try her best to get me to drink a small bit. I heard her once tell the headmistress that I should get a doctor. The headmistress told her that this sickness was just me getting emotional again,

I could not believe it when the headmistress said this. Did she really think that I was faking this sickness to get out of lessons at the finishing school? Miss Joyce did not believe it either. She knew that I was unhappy at the school, and this could have caused my body to accept a sickness faster. However, she could see that I was not faking it.

Mom and dad came and they just stood beside my bed and looked at me. Dad wanted me to admit that this was not a scheme to get out of finishing school. I did not even respond to that. Miss Joyce tried to explain that I was good at my studies and lessons. This was despite that I did not want to be at a finishing school. She told my parents that I had dreams about what I wanted to do with my life. This unhappiness could have weakened my immune defense.

Mom sighed and said a doctor would visit me. However, I had to learn not to let the impossible and emotional dreams take over and make me sick. She told me that I was not going home. I was to stay at finishing school and complete its course.

I felt worse after my parents came. Did I expect some compassion and a hug? I did not expect them to think that this sickness was a plan of mine to escape school. In a way, I wished they could feel how I was feeling and know that no one could feel like I did and think it was not genuine.

The doctor came and examined me. He told everyone that it was just the flu and warned us that this was the time of year where many people had it. He gave Dad a tonic that would help me through the sickness. He warned that the tonic was very strong and could make me spaced out as if my head was empty.

Dad asked the doctor if he could not leave a few bottles of the tonic. The doctor did not think that was necessary and warned Dad that it was something a person could get addicted to. Dad insisted on the doctor leaving some, and hinted that the doctor was getting paid more than his normal fee.

My parents left once more and over the next few days, I was feeling better. This was a great relief as who liked being sick. Miss Joyce became a good friend as she was constantly beside my bed and helping me get through the sickness.

When I felt well enough to start my lessons again, the headmistress called me into her office. She told me that I needed some tonic. I questioned this and said that I felt well and no longer needed it. The headmistress did not smile and said that it was under the instructions of my father.

I was given this tonic over the next few weeks. I did not notice the changes that it has done to me. I was not sick, but I did feel different. It was like my head was blank and I did not think about things. I just attended classes and done things like I was in a trance. I did not notice that this medicine made me more like a zombie that was just living. I did not even notice that I felt no emotions. I was not happy or sad. This is strange when I look back at it. The medicine changed me so slowly that I did not see how it was affecting me.

I even started to beg for medicine. I would go to the headmistress and ask her if it was not time to get some tonic. If she told me I had to wait, I would tell her that my body really needed it. It was as if my body was twisting and I would feel anxiety if I did not get some medicine. This was, of course, a sign that I was addicted to it, as the doctor warned. I did not care if I was addicted or not.

In a way, being so blank in my mind and not feeling emotions were not that bad. I no longer dreamed or had ambitions. I became very submissive and just done what I was told. This meant that I accepted being at the finishing school and accepted that after finishing school, I would be married to some gentleman.

The headmistress was also happy with my performance. She told me that I no longer had the wild spirit and defiance that I had. She was proud of me.

My mother shocked me one day when she visited me. She was giving the good news from the headmistress and told Mom how well my attitude changed.

“ Do you feel OK? “ She asked me when we were alone.

“ Yes, mother.”

“ I am not so sure. You seem different, almost like a stranger.”

“ I can assure you that I feel fine.”

“ Since you were sick, I started thinking, “ Mom explained, “I know you have dreams and I often did not take them seriously. I fear that I was narrow-minded and only thought of what society's traditions expected us to do. You have a dream and you should have the chance to follow your dreams.”

“ Dreams?... Oh yes. I no longer think about them! I am content on being here at the finishing school.”

My mother was in tears and asked herself what happened to me. She kept on saying that I was a shell of my former self. She understood my dreams but also understood my father's ambitions for me. She apologized for her stubbornness and said that she was more worried about how others would judge me than my happiness. She even said she spoke with my dad that I should go and get teacher training after finishing school. Dad would not allow this, saying I should find a good husband.

I should have been shocked and should have been confused. Here was my mother telling me that she now cared about my dreams. This is despite that my father still had a plan for me. The thing was that mom never showed compassion or motherly love to me. She never gave me hugs. She always complained about my spirit. Maybe she was the same as a girl but suppressed all her feelings and dreams.

The thing was that my mind was so blank and I could not even think. I was in “La La land” where I was a living person but had no thoughts or feelings. I gave mom a hug and told her that I was happy. Which was true. My fogged mind made it that I was not sad and I did not think about what I wanted to do. I was content in just drifting through life.

Mom gave me a letter before she went. It was from Emily. She wrote that she is now a maid at Grannies house. I looked at the letter and tried to remember Emily and what we have done together. I remembered that she was my friend but did not remember what we did together as friends. I put the letter on my desk and thought that it was nice that Emily was at my grannies. My mind may have been sawdust, but I remembered that Granny was the nicest person I knew.

When mom left, I continued with the classes and lessons at school. I did not really think of what was happening. I just went along with the flow. The only time iI got into trouble was when I was in a giddy mood. This was especially after getting the tonic. I do not know why it made me so giddy. It just made lots of things seem so funny.

Miss Joyce could see I was acting different and she was so worried about me. She told me it was like I lost my soul and was now a walking corpse. This made me smile and try to assure her that I was fine. I told her I was no longer sick and was not unhappy. I was content with life and hoped that my parents would be proud of my progress.

The other girls shunned me at school. They said I was too strange and they felt uncomfortable around me. One girl said that it was like I lived in my own world all the time, and did not notice anything that happened around me. She said I was like a zombie. This meant that I was often alone and had no one to be with. This did not make me sad. As I said, I just went along with the flow.

The only time I felt anything is when my body was demanding some medicine. I would start shaking and sweating and make my way to the headmistress office. I would beg her for some tonic. She would smile and give me the days portion and tell me to keep up the good work. It would take half an hour and I would be back in my own world, where my mind would be shut down.

Miss Joyce saw me come out of the office one day. She told me she had been keeping an eye on me and she did something forbidden. The door to the office was not totally closed, so she peeked in and could see that I was begging for some tonic.

“You are addicted to the stuff,” she said, “ You no longer need it as you are not sick. This tonic is like a drug that is making you a shell of who you really are. It must be stopped!”

“ Please do not do anything. I need my tonic!” I begged.

I did not see Miss Joyce for some time after that.

My time at finishing school came when Granny and Emily came one day. Granny told me that she knew about the tonic and knew it was my dad that asked the headmistress to keep me drugged up. Miss Joyce wrote a letter to granny and told her how addicted I was. Granny visited my father and told him that I would now be living with her. He did not argue against grandmother. If it was made public on how he drugged his daughter, it would be a scandal he could not survive.

So I packed my bags and left the left to live with Granny.

---

Six months later:

I moved in with granny. It was very hard at the beginning. My body was now used to the tonic and had to be cleansed. I would beg and demand to get it. I said some mean things because Granny refused to give it to me. The first month was like hell. My body was begging for the tonic and I would sweat and get cramps when I could not get it. My moods would swing. One minute I would be crying for myself and the next minute, I would lose my temper.

Granny and Emily had patience with me. Emily would tell me if I was in the middle of a tantrum that it was just the tonic talking and not me. After some time I no longer needed or wanted the tonic. I was once again myself. Granny told me that the real work for me now came. What my father did was wrong. The question was if I could ever forgive him for making me an addict.

Billy no longer wanted to get married. He decided that the world was not ready for an interracial romance. He studied to be a priest and spent his life as a priest among the slums with poor people. Billy was my first love and we would always stay in contact. He was one of the most compassionate and wisest people that I ever met. I ended up financing many of his charities to help the poor people. Billy was a living saint!

Miss Joyce was fired from finishing school because she told Granny about me. This was probably the best thing she ever has done. She wrote a book about her experiences at the finishing school without using my name. It became a best seller and caused a huge scandal. The school lost all its prestige and the headmistress was fired. Miss Joyce ended up as a successful author.

My mother tried to get my dad to let me follow my dreams. She just had no backbone to insist that I be allowed as she obeyed everything that Dad said. She never believed that he drugged me on purpose with the tonic. Despite all this, I forgave mom and had a good relationship with her. I could not blame her for being afraid of my dad. In fact, I felt sorry that she did not have the courage to stand up to him. The reality was that many women were in the same boat.

Emily was a maid at my grannies, although Granny treated her more like a daughter than a maid. We were best of friends and this lasted all our life. Emily inherited some of Granny's fortune, which meant she was well of and a respected lady. Emily ended up getting married to a scientist and having 7 children. Her children did not have a governess!

As for Granny, she was both strict and nice. She let me study to be a teacher, and at the same time, she wanted me to remember my position in society. Granny supported me all the way and was ready to give advice and encouragement.

I never forgave my father, and he never did ask for it. This means that I never spoke to him again. This was until he was in his death bed. I tried to visit him and to make amends. This did not go well. He just mumbled about how disappointed he was with me. I left his room with tears in my eyes. I did wish that things were different.

As for me, I studied to be a teacher and worked in a small country school. I lived in a small cottage. No one knew how rich I was. They knew that I had a rich friend when Emily visited me. I ended up getting married to a local landlord. He was well off but was shocked at how rich I was. I continued teaching until we had children. I was blessed with a boy and twin girls.

Life is full of blessings.