3. Bad Influence

Lourdes knows what is expected of her. However, her heart wants something else

The day did not go so very well. I was in trouble because I went off by myself and missed the tutor and classes. I saw the children play at the public school and this confirmed my ambition on being a teacher. My mother could not understand this, as she thought I was acting more unladylike and wanted me to control myself.

Everyone was telling me that I should be so lucky and content in who I was. I was the richest girl in the country and never had to worry about where the next meal would come from, clothes, toys or a roof over my head. I had the best of what life could offer. Then why did I think something was missing?

The problem was that I felt so alone. I was not allowed to be with other children. I had very little contact with my parents. I was cooped up in my room with the governess as if my childhood was used to mold me to a lady in the upper class. I remembered when I have seen the children at the school playing and laughing and having a good time. Despite their poverty, they had something that I did not have.

Emily could see that I was sad. She wanted me to confide in her. So I told Emily how I felt and said at times I wished I had a sister. Emily told me to clasp her little finger with my little finger. She said we would give each other an oath that we were soul sisters and sisters of the heart. We would be the best of friends and help and protect each other from this day and for all eternity.

Believe it or not, this made me feel so much better. It was like Emily told me that she wanted to be my friend, and not just a maid or paid companion. I was suddenly not alone. I had a secret sister that I chose by myself. This put me in such a high spirit. It was like I was walking on pink clouds!

My parents had some guests over that night, and I was asked to play the piano for them. I was in a great mood, so I played a happy tune. The visitors thought I was very talented and my parents were proud of my performance. In a way, I liked these performances. I knew that I was on display, but one could get lost in the music and enter a new magical world. If you closed your eyes, you could see a fantasy world with fairies, unicorns, and angels.

After I performed and was praised, the visitors started talking about their things. I told my mother that I would go out and get some fresh air. I nearly got a shock of my life when I saw Billy sitting outside. He told me the music that I played was the best that he ever hear, He called it magical! I sat down next to him and we started talking.

To be quite honest, I did not say too much. I listened to him telling me what it was like to work in the stables. Billy was so proud of this job and wanted to do his best and make sure the horses had the best care, It was amazing to hear how someone could be so dedicated in their job and how small things made them so proud and happy.

I felt bad when I told Billy about my life. Compared to his, my life was routine and an elegant show. It seemed almost boring. Billy did not think this. He thought that only certain girls could live my life, and not end up being shallow and stuck up. He was certain that I would be important in society, as I would have the best of everything, but unlike some that were aristocrats, I had a heart and cared about others.

I had to go in as I heard my mother call me. She told me that it was time for bed. I wanted to give her a hug, but this was never done. Instead, She told me that she was proud of my performance, and was sure that the visitors did not hear the few mistakes that I made.

Emily helped me get ready for bed. She was also astonished by my musical skills. I told her that I had played the piano for years and maybe someday I would teach her. Emily smiled but doubted that would happen. She told me her place in this world was a maid. She would leave the lady activities to me. I felt sad as she said this. It was like Emily had no ambition to be more than a maid. Maybe this was best for her as it seemed like life had already determined our destinies.

I could not sleep. I told Emily about my visit to the school. I remembered how they looked so happy and everyone had friends. I told her that it must be fun learning with others. Emily told me that I could just ask my parents to go to the local school.

Just as Emily told me that, Mom yelled at her to leave my room. She shouted at Emily that she was a bad influence on me. Mom would speak with Emily later.

Then Mom looked down at me in bed and said, “Do you not know who you are? You are the daughter of the most influential man in the country. You have a higher position and status than any other child in the country and have a good future ahead of you. You cannot go to the local school or have friends from the lower class. They are not good enough! Emily is here to help and serve you. She should not be a friend. She is a maid. Do not let her simple ways influence you.”

Mom left.

I listened to what mom had to say. Deep down I knew what she said was right. My life was blessed and I had everything a girl should have. It would be easier for me and everyone else if I accepted my role in society.

The next day after the tutor's classes, I was sitting in the garden getting my daily fresh air. Emily found me and asked me why I was so quiet. I tried to smile back and treat her like a maid. Emily started swinging her legs as she stood there. She started telling me the story of Cinderella. She was so good at telling a story. It was like we were transported into the land of fairytales. I heard this story before, but Emily told the story as if it was a new story. I did not realize that so much time went by.

Just before dinner, I was surprised by a visitor. It was granny. She was the favorite person in my life. She must have been a hundred years old. She was small and walked with a cane. Her face was wrinkled and in a way it looked like the Grand Canyon. However, granny always smiled and never got mad.

Granny gave me a hug when she saw me and told me how tall I have grown, She praised how nice my hair looked and told me that I was now a young woman. I smiled at all the praise and hoped she would be staying with us for a long time.

At dinner time, Granny was busy telling us about her life. Since she became a widow, she decided to travel a lot. She talked about all the places she visited and all the people she met. I listened to every word and was impressed by granny's life. She even met the Queen and was invited to the Queen's residence in Balmore in Scotland. Mom and Dad seemed worried about grannies travels and asked everything from if she too old to travel or did she think that it was a proper thing to do.

Granny asked me what I would do when I was old enough to decide.

“ Lourdes will make a great wife,” My father answered, “ She will make her husband very happy and she will be known as one of the greatest ladies in the country.”

Granny sighed and mumbled that it sounded like a proper plan. I could see that she was no longer smiling. Maybe it was this that made me tell everyone that my greatest dream was to be a teacher and help children have options for their future and make the world a better place to live in.

Granny was smiling again. However, my mother was not impressed. She told Granny that I may be in my way to womanhood, but I still was a little girl that had impossible dreams and lived in an imaginary world. My mother looked at me and said that I would never be a simple teacher.

I was frustrated and left the table. I walked outside and hid by a huge statue of an angel in the garden. I knew mom was not being mean or evil. She was just doing what was expected of her. It was me that had the problem. I should just accept my fate and do what everyone expected me to be. I would hurt myself and cause so much drama if I was to rebel against an established system.

Billy found me and told me that he liked the way the moonshine made me look so divine. He sat on the bench next to me and we started talking again. I told him about Granny and all her travels. Billy was engrossed in what I had to tell him. He told me that he could never dream of traveling. He would never have the money and would never leave this area. I admitted that I knew very little about money or the cost of things. I knew very little about what it was like being poor.

Nothing more was said. We just sat there and looked at the moon and thought how perfect nature was. Billy told me the stars were the ancestors that looked down at us and protected us from evil things. This made me smile as it was a nice thought that someone was looking down at us and protecting us.

I told Billy that I had to go in, I was most likely in trouble for leaving the table as I did. Billy whispered that he was in love with me, and kissed me on the cheek. I looked at him and did not know what to say. I would imagine that I blushed and looked like a strawberry. I just got up and ran into the house.

I could not concentrate when the governess was getting me ready for bed. She was telling me that my parents were disappointed at my display at dinner time. The governess was telling me that I had to mature and control my emotions and not dream about impossible things.

I was thinking about something else. Billy kissed me! He told me that he was in love with me. I had also feelings for Billy, but I did not know if I was in love. If they were feelings of love, then our love would be doomed. My parents would never accept it. Billy was poor and He had no future seen with their eyes. He would be a laborer all his life. On top of this, Billy was not English, He was black and came from Africa. This was a time where status and skin color meant a lot. Being in love with Billy could not end with anything good. The problem was, can love be neglected because of what others thought? Could love be suppressed? Would that lead to anything good?

The next day, Mom came and interrupted the tutor. She had important news to tell me.

“ As I said, it is time for you to grow up and take your place in society.” She explained, “ You can forget what childish dreams you have had, as your father and I have decided to send you to a finishing school. You will learn etiquette, social graces, and cultural rites. This will teach you how to be a lady and have some class. It will help you become a better wife. This is so exciting. I just had to come up and share the news with you!”

Finishing school? Who said I wanted to go there?

To be Continued