2. Dreaming

Lourdes's parents are not impressed.

I woke up the next day a bit before Emily or the Governess could. I was in a very happy mood and I wanted to share this happiness with everyone. I did something I did not do since I was a small girl. I ran to my parent's room. They looked a bit shocked when they saw me and asked was there a problem. I told them that I was just excited and knew what my purpose in life was. I wanted to be a teacher.

“Lourdes,” my mom sighed, “ There are a time and place to tell us such things. This is not one of them. You must learn how to control your emotions.”

Dad was not impressed either. He warned me that dreams are dangerous, as they will just remain as dreams. He told me that I had a special place in society and my destiny was already decided. I would be married to some fine man and be a loyal and good wife for him. This was the only job I had to do. I was to be a lady in the upper class.

I started to protest, but Dad did not want to discuss it. I stomped off in a temper to my bedroom. I jumped on my bed and started crying. Why should my destiny be decided by tradition or others? If I wanted to be a teacher, should I not try and make this dream come true? If I was married and my job would just be to host parties, have children that a governess will take care of and sew at nights... this life would be unbearable. I respected my mom was happy for this life as an upper-class lady. It was just not what I wanted.

The governess came in and seen me crying on the bed. She did not give me a hug or try to console me. She simply said that I had to grow up. She told me that there was no place for childhood fantasies. I was blessed with such a comfortable life, These blessings also meant that I had responsibilities. I had to trust my parents that they would find a good husband for me and I would continue being blessed.

The Governess told me she had a lot to do. She started going through all my wardrobes and finding dresses and clothes that were too small for me. I sat on the bed watching the pile become bigger and bigger. I did not worry, as I knew that I would get new clothes. Emily was in shock as she saw the pile growing. She admitted that she only had two dresses. One of them was for Sundays.

This got me thinking that the normal girl only had one dress to wear every day. I asked the governess what would happen to my old clothes. She shrugged her shoulders and said they would be disposed of. This made me think for a bit. I told the governess that the old clothes should be given to the poor. The governess smiled and said this was not possible. It was not done. That did not seem like a good answer for me. Years later, I later found out that the old governess sold the dresses and clothes so she made some money from them.

The governess was mad at Emily. She told the girl that she talked too much and did not know her place in the house. So poor Emily was given so many jobs to do that day. She could not be with me until they were done. I tried being nice and telling the governess that I would help Emily. I did not expect the governess to snap back at me. Such a suggestion was unheard of and not suitable for a girl in my position.

It was now the weekend, so I had no lessons. I told the governess I would ride my horse. I wanted to be by myself and away from the house and all its restrictions and plans for me. When I came to the stable, I started getting my horse ready for the ride. The new stable boy came and told me that he would help me.

I suddenly felt so shy with him around me. It was strange that I was next to a boy. I do not think I ever tried that! On top of that, this boy was black. I noticed how his skin looked in the sunlight. There was something beautiful about it. I was so shy, that I could hardly ever speak.

He told me that his name was Billy. His family came from Africa and they moved to England. Billy missed his life in Africa, as his family was very poor here and lived in the slum area with other black people. He told me that the living conditions were dire. People lived in dirt and everything was damp or worn down. Billy went on to explain that he did not know how people could live there. The British treated their animals better. After a while of talking, he remembered who I was, and apologized for speaking that way to me.

I smiled at him and gave my gratitude for helping with the horse.

As I rode through the fields, I thought of what Billy told me. I always heard that the United Kingdom was the most civilized country in the world. Yet we had people like my family that lived in luxury and we had people like Billy that lived worse than the animals lived. People would respect me because my family was so well off. At the same time, they would look down at Billy. He had a different color and he was not born here. This did not seem fair. Wouldnt a civilized country make sure everyone lived well?

Emily was waiting for me when I came back from the horse ride. She took my hand and said that we should pay homage to God's nature. So we went to the middle of the garden and picked daisies. We spent some time making the daisies to a crown that we could wear. When we were done, it was the most beautiful crown that I ever had. When I put mine on my hair, Emily laughed and said that I looked like a fairy.

We got up and danced around in circles as if we were real fairies. Once again, I was smiling and laughing. I felt like we were in a special world of magic and fairies. We were free from the real world. We were laughing so much and Emily started shouting magical chants. We danced and danced, while Emily started to chant some magical words. I tried to repeat what she was saying. Freedom and magic was something we could dance about!

I don't know if you ever tried to spin around in the middle of a field. You can feel the sun on your face, and the wind dancing with you. You can see the many colors of nature, It feels like you are elevated and flying while you celebrate the magic of freedom and happiness.

The governess came out and told us to stop. She looked at me and said that I should be ashamed at such an unchristian display. She told me to go to my room until my mother had time for me.

I was stuck in my bedroom all weekend, waiting for my mother to talk with me. I did not understand what I have done wrong. I was dancing outside. Was dancing wrong? I took dancing lessons!

I could hear that the governess was angry with Emily, Emily was told that she was leading me astray. I had to be a lady, and not be seen as some girl that acted as if she was crazy and drunk on the front lawn. Emily was warned that she would be fired if she was a bad influence on me. I wish that I did not hear this, as I started to worry if I would lose a friend. It was true, that I did not just see Emily as a maid. I saw her as a friend! It would break my heart if she left.

It was first the next day that Mother had time to see me. I stood attention before her as if I committed the worse crime. The only thing she said was that she was disappointed with me and she did not want to see such an immature and uncivilized display again. I wanted to protest but could see that mom did not want to discuss it anymore. She told me to spend the rest of the weekend in my room.

I was bitter. I did not think I had anything to do. It made me think about what society expected from a lady in the upper class. Did they expect us to be stiff and emotionless? Were we just like decorations or statues? What did Emily or I do wrong?

Monday came after being copped up in my room all weekend. I told the governess that I would take a walk before the tutor came. I walked and walked. The problems of the weekend frustrated me. First, my parents did not want to listen to my dreams and then I was punished for something I did not understand why it was wrong. It was like if life was meant to be constantly dull, and I was not allowed to smile.

I must have walked for a long time, as I ended up close to the school. I sat on a stone and looked at it. The local children were out in the playground playing different games. They wore some old tattered clothes, and it was easier to see they were a mix of workers and poor children. Still, they were smiling and laughing as they ran and jumped around. I had to smile as I saw them play. They may not have been rich like me, but each of these children was happily playing with friends.

The teacher called them in, and I snuck up to the school and sat outside a window, I could hear the teacher teach them about history. She told it as it was a story and I listened to every word. Once in a while, a child would ask a question and the teacher would answer. It must be amazing to learn with others. This made me also think that I wanted to use my life teaching children. I was blessed with my life and a part of me wanted to help those who were not as blessed.

The governess found me and told me to get in the carriage. On the way home, she told me that she was so worried about me. She also wanted to know what has got into me lately?

“ I fear it could be Emily's influence,” she said, “ That girl cannot stop talking and she has a simple view of life, She just wants to smile and disappear in her imaginary world. You come from a different class, and more is expected of you. You have a responsibility to your parents. You have to be ready for what society expects of you!”

Needless to say, mother was not all too happy at my disappearance. She called it foolish and told me that I disappointed my family as well as leaving them down.

I escaped the tutor that day, but I was once again confined to my room. I did feel bad that everyone was worried when I was not to be found. I had to find a way of telling my parents that the trip I had was very educational for me. My dream was to be a teacher and help those who were not blessed in life have a chance to better themselves. The trip to the school confirmed this.

I smiled as I thought of what my destiny should be.

To be Continued