2. All this heaven talk

Svenja insists that she was in heaven. Should I tell her it was a dream?

Svenja told me that she saw heaven. I must admit, that this was not what I expected to hear. I just sat by Svenja and told her she should eat something and drink something. In my mind, if she ate and drank, it would prove to me that she was alive. Svenja smiled and ate some hospital pudding. I just sat back in the chair thinking how tired I was. It was only then that it hit me about the trauma I just went through. I knew I needed to rest, but I did not want to sleep. I know it sounds stupid. I just wanted to make sure my daughter was alive.

Svenja continued talking that she was in heaven, I smiled and told Svenja that it was just a dream. She knew as well as I knew that there was no heaven because there was no God. After I said this, there was some silence as Svenja continued to eat her pudding. She gave me one of her looks she usually gives me when she was annoyed at me. I had no problem in saying that it was just a dream. Svenja had to know what was real and what was imagination.

The doctor came to check Svenja and say that we could go home. He was still in shock that Svenja recovered and was ready to go home hours after she was pronounced dead. Svenja told him he knew it was a bad car crash, as he met the old woman that crashed into us in heaven. She was so sorry that she crashed into us, but Svenja said that she forgave the old woman. She was at peace now and happy in heaven.

The Doctor whispered and asked if I told her about the old woman? The only way I could explain this was Svenja seeing a glimpse of the old woman as she crashed into us.

We were on the way out of the hospital. I held on Svenja's hand to make sure I still had my daughter. At one stage, Svenja broke away from me and went to a girl who obviously had some form of cancer.

“ Don't be afraid to die,” Svenja said to her. “ Dying is like falling asleep and when you wake up, your kitten will be waiting for you as well as your grandparents. You will have no pain and you will get hugs from Jesus. I met your cat Bella, and she was waiting for you. Have faith and everything will be fine.”

The mother of the girl asked me how Svenja knew her daughter had a kitten that went missing. The kitten's name was Bella. I didn't know what to answer.

I took Svenja home.

When we got home, I sat on the chair while Svenja looked at some cartoons. I had a glass of wine to help me come back to reality. The last few hours were chaos and so confusing. So many things happened and they could not be explained. This made me feel uneasy as I preferred when things were simple and not so mysterious. Now I had Svenja back at our house, where I felt comfortable and it was our domain, maybe the craziness of the day so far would be forgotten.

“Mommy, why are you so sad?” Svenja asked me suddenly.

“ I am happy. Who says I am not happy?”

“ When I died and was in heaven, Jesus told me I should go back as you were unhappy. He knew why you were unhappy and did not want you to be sad if I was not with you.”

I told Svenja that I was going up to rest. This obsession with heaven that she had was starting to provoke me to my limits. I thought of what Svenja asked me. I always smiled when she was around and never mentioned the loss of my mother or other problems I had in my life. Why did she think that I was sad? The whole story about God letting Svenja live again because he did not want me any sadder than I was now was rubbish. If there was a God, he could have saved my mother's life.

I did not consider myself sad. As I said before, I was a realist. I knew that life had its ups and downs, and life was often cruel. We just had to accept it and move on and try to make the best of it. There was no need to groan and whine about it, as everyone had a hard life as well.

In a way Darwin was right. “Only the strong survive.” Was it that bad that I wanted Svenja to be strong, and not depend on Religion or superstitions? Svenja had to depend on herself and know the strength lies in her, not the Bible or holy water.

Sleeping done me well. Svenja came to my room with a smile on her face and said that she drew a picture for me. It was a picture of heaven. The clouds were pink and there were lots of flowers and waterfalls, rainbows and angels. It was a nice picture and I told myself not to make a big deal out of it.

It was obvious that my daughter had an obsession with heaven. She had an obsession once about Barbie dolls and that passed. Now it was heavens turn. If I really tried to rationalize it, I could understand. She died and came back to life. She had to explain to herself that it was not a bad experience. This is where heaven came in. It was a nice thing for Svenja to think about, so the car accident was not traumatic for her.

That night, Svenja even asked should we say prayers before she slept. For a brief moment, I remembered what it was like when my mother prayed before I slept. I loved this time with my mother. When she got sick, I stopped praying. Svenja was on her knees waiting for me while I was in my own thoughts. I told her that I did not believe there was a God or there was a heaven. If she wanted to waste her time by praying, then I would not stop her.

Svenja prayed and then got into bed. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and wished her a good sleep. As I walked out the door, Svenja told me that she was not making things up. She was in heaven.

The next day, the doctor from the hospital came to visit. This was a surprise. He told me that the recovery of Svenja was so special that he had to make sure that Svenja was fine. I think it was an excuse to see me, as it only took the doctor a few minutes to check Svenja.

The doctor was a small bit older than me but very handsome. He was not married and his career took most of his time. I liked to listen to him talk and listen to his dedication. The man had a heart of gold and this made me feel comfortable around him.

I told him that Svenja was doing great, but she was convinced that she was in heaven. The doctor explained that Sven's recovery was a miracle and he never has seen anything like it before. He told me that he heard similar stories of people that died and went to heaven and there were even films about the subject. I admitted that I did not believe in God. There was no God and there was no heaven.

“ I believe in God,” the doctor admitted, “ When you see a child being born, or an old person dying in peace, or a recovery like Svenja had, then that's proof than me that it is just not science and medicine.”

The next day, Svenja wanted to go to school and I thought it could be good that everything was back to normal. I was happy to be back at the bank. When you work with money, there are no miracles or mysteries. The money is either there or not. You can explain where the money goes and who has it. Money also had lots of power. It gave you food and a house and it determined how well you lived. Some say that money does not buy you happiness, but I think it certainly helped. I think one reason why I liked my job was that it could be explained, and nothing people had to believe in!

When I picked Svenja up at the school, the teacher wanted to speak with me. She told me that Svenja told them about the accident and that she was in heaven. This made some children tease Svenja because they did not believe she died in the hospital because of an accident. They did not believe that Svenja went to heaven. The problem was that Svenja insisted that the whole thing was true, which meant that she had a bad day.

The teacher was surprised that Svenja was so open that day as she was always a quiet girl. The teacher also concluded that Svenja had a good imagination. I smiled and at the same time kicked myself. I told the teacher that Svenja was in an accident and was pronounced dead for a while. It was my fault. I should have told her.

The teacher was speechless as I took Svenjas's hand. I wanted to tell Svenja that people could be so cruel and it was often because of jealousy. Svenja had to stop telling others about heaven. It was her imagination.

It did not help when we came home that there was a priest outside the door. He told me that he heard that Svenja had an experience where she went to heaven. The priest heard it from the priest at the hospital. The priest looked like he was a nice man, that was clutching his Bible. I was not afraid of him. However, when he asked to be let in, I told him that he was not welcome.

“It will not take long,” he insisted, “Your daughter needs someone to talk with and help her with her experience in heaven. She needs spiritual guidance.”

“ I am sorry, but you have to find someone else.” I answered, “ The fact is that we do not believe in God. I do not allow priests to visit me to try and convince me that I am a lost soul or a prodigal child of God. There is no God.”

Svenja and I walked in and I closed the door leaving the priest outside. I felt sorry for him. He was wasting his time on something that did not even exist.

Svenja was not smiling. She climbed on my lap and told me that I was a lost soul.

“When I was in heaven,” she said, “ I met Jesus. He was dressed in white with a gold belt. He had dark skin and a dark beard and hair. He had holes in his wrists and legs. Jesus was smiling and he even let me sit on his lap. He told me stories and even jokes. Like he said did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa! I didn't understand that joke.”

I admit that it made me smile.

“ I liked Jesus.” Svenja continued, “ That's when he told me that you were sad. He told me he wanted to be your friend, but he lost you. He would be so happy if you could be his friend again.”

Something snapped in me. Memories of my mother on her sickbed came back.

“There is no God.” I told Svenja, “ The visit you had in heaven was just a dream. If there was a God, he would be here now speaking with us. He would not allow you to be teased at school. He would not allow bad things to happen. I am not a lost soul. I just know what the truth is. I am not fooled by something that conned people for thousands of years.”

I told Svenja that I did not want her talking about God or heaven.

Svenja ran to her room shouting that I was wrong. She shouted that she loved me, but she also felt sorry for me!

To be continued