Diary of Mrs. Murray

Diary of Mrs. Murray

by Victoria Naytowhow

Dear Diary Entry No.1

Here I am, 76 years old, writing in a journal. The doctor had said that writing might keep my memories and thoughts more organized, and my children have been nagging me about it ever since. I told them that I am an old lady now, what do I need to write in a diary for? Sidney wants to read what I have written. I love my son so dearly, and I am happy that things hadn't turned for the worse, for him and for us. I am having difficulty remembering the names of some of my grandchildren, and I no longer drive my own vehicle to and fro the grocery store. Sidney, and Margaret have deliberated and have agreed that I can no longer be left alone. Now, my home isn't a quite little nook, it's shrouded with loud yelling, sometimes loud crying, and then there's peace for an hour or more. I am happy I can be closer to my family again. After Margaret's father died, I became reclusive. Now, here I am, writing in a diary wit'h a pen in my hand, like a teenager, telling the world of her adolescent suffering in a suburban city. My hands and feet are usually very cold mostly because I was a smoker for a long time, until I met Simon, Margarets father. Simon was my anchor, and I've always needed something or anything to hold me together. When he passed, I was already 60 years old and he was 70. A huge piece of me was taken away and I had to hold it together for my children and grandchildren. Simon had adopted Sidney as his own and we had Margaret a year after we married. I was so in love with his mannerisms, and his opinions about the world. That reminds me, I have an old box of Simons belongings in the attic and I want to give them to Sidney and Margaret, he would've wanted that from me.

“Mother you need to eat breakfast, that doctor says you need to eat food with your medications.” Margarets toe was tapping on the lenoleum tiles and she had Eric or was the Sheridan on her hip gooing and gagging? Margaret looked distracted. She was usually so neat, clean and organized. Now, she had a husband, with three children, and a mother to look after. Margaret turned behind her at the kitchen table. “Eric, don't play with your food, I know that you might not like it all that much, but you have to take what you get!” The little boy kicked his legs and shook his head side to side, repulsed by the idea. That must be little Eric, and Margarets holding Sheridan on her hip. Margaret had her hands tied, this is the very same thing I had to accept as soon as I had my first child, Sidney, you have to roll with the punches of becoming a parent no matter how aggrivated you might me, I smirked.

As I ate my late lunch, I mused at Margaret and her children. I am happy that I was able to give them a life that I never had. I came from a broken home, and when I became an adult I vowed to never stop until I had become an Engineer and raise my son in a good home, with a blessed life. Margaret was light skinned, and didn't have any of my features or the features of an Aboriginal of Canada. She looked caucasion, just like Simon. Sidney on the other hand, was the eldest, and had looked Aboriginal from the day he was born.

“I peaked in on you last night at your desk, mom and I seen you writing. Do you think that writing in the night is the best time for you to be writing?” She eyed me quizically, and I looked into her eyes and told her that it was the best time, I spend all my time thinking in the night.

I sought fresh air outside and sat on the swinging bench on the porch. Margaret poured me lemon tea, and I sat outside looking into the familiar neighborhood, and into the great abyss of the sky. Half an hour passed and Margaret opened the two sided doors and tipped toed outside and closed the door silently behind her. “Babies are sleeping, and I have some time to myself. I brought you some more tea.” She passed me another cup of hot tea, and I thanked her. “Mom, you know that I love you right?” I knew that she was about to continue with a proposal so I kept silent and waited. “Tom thinks that you should come stay with us at our house instead, of the arrangment that we have now. Hear me out, we could sell the house, move only the belongings you needed to my house, and there, I would always be there to take care of you. And Tom always really loved your company. So what do you think?”

I sipped my tea, and looked hard into the sky. It's not like I didn't know this was coming. It was time for me to move out, and it would be so much easier on my children. I could make my will in time, before things became to cloudy. I looked into Margarets eyes and told her that it sounded like a good idea, but before I left my home, the house I raised Sidney, and Margaret in, I wanted to have my family and friends over for a great big dinner.

“Family and friends? We could do that. Sidney, and his family and me and my family, that sounds doable and maybe some of your friends at the senior hall.” I could tell she was happy at the idea but that's not all of my family, far from it actually. Margaret hadn't known my family from the reservation because as soon as we had her, we moved to Toronto and we all drifted apart. It was difficult for me to tell her that she had aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and grandfathers located in Saskatchewan. She looked at her cup focusing intently on the handle. “Why don't we talk about them, and why haven't I heard of any one of them? What caused you to never speak to them again, or anything because if they were family, they would be in your life, our lives.” I nodded in response, but the situation between my relatives and I was complicated. I was very stubborn and so were they, and we could never forgive eachother for the wrongs we caused eachother. “Well, mom whatever you need to do, I'll stand by you, we all will, were a family.” She held her hand in mine, her warmth made me feel happy. Now, all I had to do was contact them and arrange for them to visit. I was going to have to muster up the courage and face them, hopefully they would listen and come.

Dear Diary No.2

My right leg has been swelling ever since I got up from the porch. I sat to long and most of lost blood circulation. My better judgement calls for me to tell Reece tomorrow morning, when he visits. I can't wait to see him. I've missed him so much. I am so proud of the man that he become. I know that he has a lot of love to give. When his father passed he attended his funeral. I asked if I could come and say my respects to the man that helped me create Sidney, but Reece told me that it would be better if he went alone. There were too many people in Allan's family that devouted there time to trash talk me and outright hate me. It was anguish when Allan and I met. Allan's family had sought to break us apart, and Allan didn't want to fight for me, but we were young, and we moved too quickly. I was saddened when Sidney heard the news of his father passing. Sidney loved his father as much as he loved me, even though, I was the sole parent to raise him. He just had that kind heart that truly loves people, and it was because Allan had that same quality. Tomorrow I would see Sidney, and tomorrow I would contact my family in Saskatchewan.

Sidney kissed me on the forehead, “Mom, I have so much to tell you, and you are going to enjoy every minute of it. But first, I'm going to cook everyone a big breakfast.” I glanced up at him and he smiled at my cheerfully. I had a red robe on with bed time slippers, and I still felt very groggy. I grabbed a cup of freshly made coffee and sat at the kitchen table. Today's newspaper was lying on the table and I could read the front cover 'Man falsly accused of rape and murder, and is now set free after 34 years later.' That's a very long time spent in jail for a crime you didn't commit, he must be enraged. Maybe after he stops being angry he could go on with his life. I know all to well that life doesn't stop because you age and no matter how old you become you can always learn. In my lifetime I had seen many old men and woman push themselves to go back to school and attain an education. It brought me great joy in seeing these people living their life, and never giving up because they were much older and not giving into the normalcy of society.

I sat skimming through the newspaper, but the comics compelled me the most. I sat reading the funny cartoons. Sidney's children were much older than Margarets. Sidney had 4 children, the eldest being 15 years of age. Sidney was 9 years older than Margaret and he was her protector.

Sidney set the table, and called out for his four sons. They replied instantly and and filled their plates. Rocky the youngest, kissed my forehead, and sat down. The four boys were all very tall, just like Sidney. They wore hats, with messy shaggy hair, and wore losing fitting clothes. They were all different yet so much alike. I was astonished how much they grew. I had done right by my son Sidney, and he had passed on that knowledge to his children.

“Emily isn't going to be home for a few weeks. She has to be with her sister. I feel for Emily, and I know that she cares for her sister so much.. And, I know that Casey doesn't have anyone else to care for her. It's just a sad situation. Casey needs to follow through and go to rehab. That is really the only thing that can help her. I don't know how many times Emily has came to Casey's aide. It's not enough, and Casey needs to do the right thing and admit herself. Emily is needed here with her family. But, on the otherhand, you never turn your back on your family, no matter what. Speaking of the subject of family. I talked to Margaret last night, and she told me everything. I don't particularily remember my family in Saskactchewan or why you stopped speaking, and I don't care. I love the idea that you want to have them here. It's time to let them into our lives and your grandchildren's lives. Have you spoke to anyone yet?”

I had to hold in my feelings inside because I didn't want Sidney to know, that I missed them so much. They had been there for me when the times got tough. A few relatives had tried to contact me, but after I changed my last night to Copper, they stopped calling. After completing my degree at the University for Engineering, I packed my belongings and left to Toronto with Sidney. I told myself that I was leaving the old behind and starting fresh, a new me, and new start. Sidney had been 6 years old then. I wanted to move because I wanted to leave behind the racism, and prejudice that always had a presence in my life. In Toronto there was very little Aboriginals, almost none. I had been mistaken for Asian or Chinese many times. When people looked at me, they seen so much possibility and that only made me want to stay in Toronto much more, and turn away from my past, away from the struggle.

I told Sidney that it was complicated and that there was much he didn't know about the situation. From the expression on his face I could tell he wasn't convinced but he looked at me with understanding. Sidney was so much like his father. Allan had always had a huge giving heart. I am always touched by Sidney's love of people just like his father's. I reassured Sidney, and told him I wasn't going to wait any longer, I was going to call my sister, my dearest friend.

“Yes, who is it?” I could hear the womans deep breathing on the other end. I had no clue who I was speaking to, and I felt my stomach tightening and my face grew hot. I told her my name and she dropped the phone to the ground. The sounds that I heard after that were muffled.

Suddenly a man answered. “Who are you? And why is my mother crying? This is Mavis your speaking to.” I couldn't help but stammer while I spoke. Mavis was Lisa only child. I was happy that I had the correct number and fought the urge to close the doors on my relatives once more. I told him I was his aunt, and that all I wanted to do was talk to his mother. I asked him if she was okay. “Mom are you okay? And who's Valerie?” I heard him speaking to Lisa in the background. “Okay she's coming to the phone.”

I could hear Lisa sniffle and her voice was hoarse. “Valerie, I am so mad at you. I try and try for all these years to contact you. Then you disconnect your phone, and deactivate your e-mail. I asked your brother about you, but he didn't know anything either. I had thought we were close, and that we would never drift apart. Turns out we did, and not because of me, but because of you. You've always tried to be the centre of attention and the only person you ever really cared about was yourself. Just tell me what I did to deserve all of this Valerie? I need to know what I did that was so bad for you to stop speaking to me and to everyone. We are your family.”

I had anticipated her outlash, but I wasn't ready for the hurt in her voice. I told Lisa the reason why I was phoning her. I had been diagnosed with Alzheimers and that I didn't have much longer until I didn't remember anything or anyone. I would save the reason why I decided to turn away from my family, until she was here with me one last time.

“Get out! You have Alzheimer's? I'm so sorry Valerie. How long do you have?”

I told her in between a few more months to a year.

“How's my Sidney? How is he doing?”

Lisa and I had always been very close. She was my aunt, but for as long as I known her she called me her sister. Her son Mavis was a couple years older than Sidney. I was 5 years younger than Lisa, but that had never interferred with our relationship with eachother. When I explained to Lisa that Sidney had his teaching degree from the University of Toronto and a family of his very own. I explained to her after I left to Toronto, I met my husband Simon and we had a daughter together named Margaret. When I opened up Lisa became the woman I once knew long ago. She laughed, and her voice became more relaxed and comfortable. It was as if we were young woman again. I had been the one who had many young men vying for my attention, and she was the one who everybody loved. We were equally matched and that made me feel safe with her. We were opposites but that just brought out our qualities even more. We talked about our children, and Lisa mentioned her sisters and brothers, and some of our other relatives. It was nice to hear about everyone again.

I asked Lisa if she could make a trip out to me, for one last get together, before I didn't remember anyone anymore. “You betcha! Of course! Me and Mavis would go there in a heart beat. But, you know what would be even better? You coming here to see Sidney and Margaret.”

Dear Diary No.3

Sidney grabbed three boxes from the attic labled, old photographs and documents today. I feel as though I've opened pandoras box by looking through the old photographs. I had many of me as a teenager, living in Saskatchewan. I looked through many photographs, and there amidst it all, was Tristan staring back at me while I took a picture of him, and it struck me the most. I wanted to hold back the memories and leave them to fade away just as my memory was. I never completly dealt with the memories of that summer I met Tristan.

I dropped the pen out of my hand and it landed onto the hardwood floor, in that moment I was a teenager again, and the pain rushed to my eyes, and they swelled. I sat in my room at my desk and began to cry. At first the cries were shallow, suddenly they came in long weeps. I had not thought of him in decades, and now I remember why. He had walked into my life, and I had been forever changed. I put away his memory, and the emotions I felt during that summer. I didn't know if I was going mad for remembering what we shared together and it having such an effect on me because it had happened many many years ago. After we decided to go our separate ways, I changed, I became a new person.

I had been a beautiful, elegant young woman in Saskatchewan. However, I was very timid and shy. One day as I made my way to the store for a cold beverage. A young Aboriginal man stood at the entrance of the store. He starred blankly at me, then he spoke to me with ease and great confidence.

“Hello, I don't think we have ever met. My name is Tristan.” Tristan dusted off his hand and thrusted his hand forward. Shyly I brushed my hair back, then gently reached for his hand and shook it. I was a little impressed by his straight-forwardness. “Maybe I can show you around, or maybe we could be friends, if you like?” I told him that I would like that. Soon after we were always together. We laughed at each others jokes and finished each others sentences. We were two in the same.

One day, he casually addressed the chemistry between us. “I think your beautiful Valerie. Is there any chance that I could be your boyfriend?” I laughed as loud as I could and collapsed on the grass. How could he know so much about me even though we had just met. “Well what is so funny? I just asked if we could see each other as more and your laughing at me?” I relaxed and looked into his eyes and kissed him on his face several times, then on his lips. We held each other so tightly and looked into the sky.

When we were intimate Tristan held me so tightly I almost couldn't breath. Now that I look at it now, I know why. We had so little time to spend with one another, and the universe was telling us to cherish every moment. Tristan passed away in a tragic car accident weeks later. I hadn't even told him I loved him. The moments that we shared with each other were the happiest moments I have ever come to have.

“Mom, where is everyone going to sleep? How long do they plan on staying? And my grandmother wants you to send her and her family plane tickets to come here. Mom, are you listening?” I felt as though the medications were wreaking havoc in my brain. All I really wanted to was collapse on my bed and sleep. I told my daughter to send the plane tickets immediatly, to whoever asked. I was losing time, time that I wanted to spend with my family.

Dear Diary No.4

My the days are passing quickly for me. In two days from now, Everyone will be here. I am happy that I get to see everyone before I forget everything. I spend every waking hour thinking of Tristan. I miss him so much. I wish I could tell him how much I love him and how much he changed my life for the better.

Sidney grabbed a napkin and wiped the potatoes off my face. “Mom, I love you.” He turned around and walked towards the garbage. He used the wall as support, and then began to weep. “How can I go on, knowing your not here? What am I going to do?” He began to sob even louder. I stood up and walked towards him, and kissed his shoulder. I told him that I was going to be with someone who meant so much to me, a person I can truly be happy with, that is the best thing that can happen to me and death isn't the end my son, it is a new beginning. “I know Mom, it's just going to be so hard. I have to watch my own mother fade away.” I held onto Sidney tightly. I was deeply saddened by his outburst.

The moment every came into my familes home, I lost the anger and resentment I had towards them. I forgave them for everything that had come to pass long ago. Even though they had not seen what they did as wrong, I still forgave.

Tristan and I had moved mountains, I had raised a son, with no help, and met the man that became an anchor for me, and had a daughter whom I love in everyway. My life was so rich and full of life, I lived a remarkable life.

I can't make the memories vanish. I can't understand how so many people in my life wrote me off. I was young, but in that time in my life, I knew more than most. I promised after Tristan died that I would never look back, I would never see myself they way they saw me. I made a life and never squandered my time.

“Mom are you okay?” asked Margeret. I fell from my chair and landed on the floor. I don't remember much after that. I was lost, but not for good, someday I would have them all again. I would hear them laughing and talking. This time things would be different.

I awokened and found myself in a different place. White cotton sheets waved gently in the wind and I could smell the outdoors. I was lying on a soft plush mattress. The entire room was white, and I could hear something in the distance. Was it the sound of waves crashing. The sunlight shawn through into the room and I felt peacful. My limbs felt new, as if they were no longer old, as if I was no longer old. I looked down at my hands and they were young and vibrant as if I was a teenager again. I sat up and the wind touched my silk white nightie. My body was also young. What was this place? I peeked my head out and I could see a man wearing white standing and looking into the beach. The sand was warm against my feet as I walked towards him. I reached my hand out to his shoulder and touched his back.

Sidney turned to me, his face looked the way it did when I had first met him. I didn't want to focus on who I once was, but who I become. I put my arms around his neck and looked into his eyes and we kissed. Sidney reciprocated. He stopped to look into my eyes and said “I'm here.” Sidney's hand carressed my face. I didn't know if I was dreaming or if I was dead. All I knew was that this was home. Sidney was my home.

Author's Note

Ignore any grammar problems, I am using open office and it does not have spell check... thanks for reading