The Darkest Whisper

As a dymon with a devastating addiction of blood and a shaky, unstable control over his monster, Nikolai isn't well-trusted among his peers--and being the Reaper of the Society, who would trust him?

         Blackness filled the night sky as Madeline exited the bar's entrance. The young blond glanced upward, absently looking for stars as she began towards her car. Strangely enough, the sky showed a small amount of stars and the moon hid from her eyes. 

        She sighed without thought and began gathering her keys. The bar had been boring; nothing to calm her nerves and rid her of worry for longer than an hour. The sharp sound of her metal keys clinking together caused her to wince for a second, followed by a soft shiver from the cool night's air.  

        Work had been weighing down on her lately. Earlier in the day, she had dressed herself in a desperate attempt to seem fun and careless. Now, her sharp dress shoes dug into her heel and the dress she wore didn't block the cool draft gliding in between her thighs. 

        "D****t," Madeline muttered as her keys fell from her fingers. With a quick glance, she positioned herself to where if she knelt down, her bare a*s wouldn't be seen, and dropped down to pick up the keys. Another shiver went down her spine as she felt the edge of her dress ride up passed her bottom. 

        Before she could straightened into a standing position, something that felt like a finger slowly glided along the back of her right thigh, ending at the top of her right butt cheek. 

        With a shriek, she straightened up and whirled around, gasping in anger as her glare laid upon her assaulter. Furious words died at the end of her tongue as she froze. 

        Before her stood a man--one impossibly handsome. He wore a grin that resembled a cheshire cat; mischevious, and perverted. He was tall and built muscularly, with dark, messy hair that looked like he just stepped out of bed after a night of crazy sex. His eyes, an extremely lucid curelean tint, clinted with cynical pleasure. 

        Madeline cleared her throat and narrowed her glare. "Excuse me? What the hell was that for?" 

     The man shrugged and continue to smile. His stare dragged along the length of her body, causing Madeline to shiver and look away in embarrassment. 

        She pursed her lips and pressed on. "What? What do you want? And what did you do that for?" 

        Once again, the man shrugged. His hungry eyes paused from his scrutiny and burrowed into her own. She swallowed nervously and once again cleared her throat. 

        "Well, if you're not going to reply--"     

        "It's strange to find such a workaholic dressed like a s**t." 

        Madeline froze with wide eyes. Her mouth opened to retort, but immediately snapped shut when the man continued to speak. She was too shocked by his voice--one filled with such honey and husk that she could have melted if his words hadn't struck a cord in her. 

        "In fact, it's strange to see a woman with your intelligence walking around--alone, and in the dark. Especially on a Saturday night." 

        Madeline lifted her chin and snapped, "How the hell do you know anything?" 

        He flashed another smile; this time, all his teeth could be seen. They were the type a person would see in a dentist commercial; perfectly white and straight.  

        But what caused a quiver of fear to crawl along Madeline's spine was two evident teeth on his top row. 

        Sharp. 

        Elongated. 

        Vampire teeth. 

        Madeline blinked and let out a quick laugh. "I think I'm going to go now. It was nice...chatting." She turned away and began off towards her car.

        It was close by, just a few yards away in her sight. Her breaths were increasing tempo as he let her walk off.  

        Suspicion branched in her chest as she neared her car. Had she really been let off that easily? Madeline blinked in surprise when she glanced over her shoulder. The mysteriously gorgeous man had disappeared. 

        What's going on here?  

        Madeline let out a shaky breath and unlocked her car. With a quick movement she slid into her driver's seat, breathing slowly through her nose. She didn't realize the racing of her heart in her chest, or the pounding in her ears. 

        She scanned the area around her car before locking the door and turning towards the wheel. Collecting her keys from her lap, Madeline reached out and plunged the car-key into the ignition. 

        Madeline felt him before she saw. His soft breath collected along her neck, sending a shiver down her spine. A hand clamped around her mouth as his nose skimmed her neck. 

        Bright blue eyes met hers as her head was forced towards the side. The man sat beside her with an expressionless face. 

        Madeline began to struggle under his hold, readying herself to scream for help as her hand grabbed his. The man had an steely hold as she tried to rip him away. 

        His eyes glinted in sudden anger at her struggle. He bared his teeth as a deep rumble coursed through his chest. "I wouldn't fight if I were you, sweet-cheeks. You're a bit hopeless." 

        She continued to fight, now bringing her legs up to push off of him. Her hands fumbled behind her to unlock the door, but the man reached across her and gathered both wrists in his other hand. 

        His face leaned towards hers as Madeline pressed into the locked door. Her eyes widened as a slow grin reached his lips. 

        Merely an inch apart, their breaths mingled together. Heat radiated between them. 

        The man sighed shakily as he reached for her neck. His movement was slow and agonizing; Madeline shivered from his touch. 

        Suddenly the hand around her mouth left Madeline and she gasped for air. A jumble of sharp words escaped her mouth as she began fighting against him, cursing.  

        "Why the f**k are you doing this?! I--I didn't do anything. Let me go--let me go!" 

        The man hissed, baring his teeth once more. The same vampiric canines appeared in his mouth, appearing twice as long and sharp up close. Immediately Madeline stopped screaming and talking, her stare narrowing in on the teeth. 

        "Your fear is an addicting smell--like a drug." He sucked in a deep breath through his teeth as his eyes closed, shivering in pleasure. "God--I can't savor this much longer." 

        Madeline's eyes widened when his eyes flew open once more. They had changed into an almost cat-like look. His pupils dilated as his eyes flashed. She was entranced by them, frozen with wide eyes of her own. 

        Just as soon as he opened those eyes, they were gone. A sharp pain ripped into her neck and chest, causing Madeline to scream. She clutched at the head now gorging itself into her throat, ripping and slurping at her life essence which poured from the gaping wound. The scream died off into a gurgling as the man tore deeper into her throat, cutting off her breath.  

        Nikolai did so greedily. Blood escaped his mouth, seeping into the woman's dress. He could feel the human's pulse weakening with each lap of his tongue that gathered her flowing blood. Soon the grip on his hair fell as the woman went limp in his arms. 

        The blood ran dry. His mouth sipped what was left, licking and nibbling at the wound for more. With sharp breaths, he turned away from the body and effortlessly tossed it aside. The loud thud of the dead woman echoed in the car as she fell into the back seat, away from the man. 

        He sighed shakily and ran a hand through his hair. Sticky blood caught in his locks as he pulled his hand away, and he took another breath to calm himself. 

        It had been too much for him; the pleasure, the thirst--the satisifaction of death as it swept across her lifeline.  

        Nikolai growled under his breath and unlocked the door. With the soft clink of the unlock, he opened the door and slid out, fixing his collar. He licked his lips as he scanned the area. It was late; not many people were walking around, if any at all. The bar across the street was still lit and Nikolai could make out shadows in the windows and hear the rush of heartbeats echoing off the wall from inside.  

        He fixed his shirt, slammed the door, and began walking away as he slid his hands into his pockets. With each step the memory of the dead woman's body slipped away.

 

Author's Note

I'm too lazy to edit. You can point out whatever; it doesn't matter to me. I'll add more when I realize how to do so. Hope you enjoy. Thank you.

Reviews

[byPatKeegan]

First of all, very well written. Overall, i liked it. I do however have some questions, and a suggestion.

The first is: Is Nikolai the main character?

When i first read this, i thought for sure Madeline was because you were letting us know some of her thoughts, that is we were getting into her head. Then Madeline dies and Niko (is it ok if i call him Niko? :D) walks away.

So am i to assume that the story will continue with Niko being the main character?

The reason i'm asking is that we don't see any thoughts coming out of Niko's head. Thoughts are absolutely key to creating identification with our characters, which i believe is probably the most important aspect of writing: to create identification for the reader. If people don't identify, then they don't care and lose interest.

Anyway, my suggestion is, if Niko is the main guy, and madeline is simply collateral damage in the story, you may want to let your readers know more about what he's thinking so we can identify more with him, and less about madeline becuase she's simply a tool to fill his perverse need. If he is indeed the main character, it might be worthwhile shifting the scene to be written from Niko's perspective, rather than Madeline's.

Is he conflicted? does he hate what he does? does he feel sorry for her? is he thinking about other things during the bite process? Is it better than sex for him?Unless we know his thoughts, we can't get inside of his head, and so we don't identify with him.

Otherwise, it seems a little confusing as to who is important and who isn't.

If I can be a little forward, i have two "books" in my writing profile, one is the story I'm working on, but the other is called "Better Fiction" and is a collection of things I've learned throughout my writing life from people who are, far better than me at the craft. I'm not trying to obliquely promote my own writing here, you don't have to leave any comments about it, but you may be interested in at least the first chapter about creating identification.

Overall though, good job. Lots of good imagery. I hope you continue the story.

[KurKota]

For a dark story, it flows nicely. You utilize dialogue very effectively and skillfully..
I have not typically reviewed stories, but I am glad I did read through this one! It reflects a skilled writer. Thank you for sharing with us.

[Vixian Cresting]

Thank you for reading!

[Sir Joseph]

Very good work here. Do you plan on continuing this story?

[Vixian Cresting]

Yes, I do.

[Sir Joseph]

Awesomeness!

[Vixian Cresting]

^_^ Thanks.

[Sir Joseph]

Welcome! :)

[The Nude Writer]

The only thing I will point out is how beautifully written this is :)
You really have a talent making characters come to life. I am a big fan of this one and I cant wait to read more from you :)