Death

Can the grim reaper really retire?

 

“I am Death, I am hell incarnate, I am, I am …” “Now, just what was that word?” Death thought silently to himself. You’d think after ten thousand or so years on the job, Death would be able to remember all that he was. Alas on this Friday afternoon in a suburban home, Death was having what might be referred to as a senior, senior moment. Possibly even a triple senior moment considering his age and time spent on the job. However for the life of him Death could not remember what it was he had been meaning to say and decided to simply point menacingly at Jack.

 

Jack was Death’s first appointment of the day and he had been terrified up until the point Death had forgotten his line.  Jack had died while trying to change the light bulb in the bathroom.  What happened was what one might describe as an odd accident that could have been avoided had Jack thought about it a little more.

 

Jack had been in the bathroom taking his everyday afternoon bath when the only light bulb in the whole room had gone out much the same way Jacks life was about to go out.  Once the room was plunged into darkness, Jack pulled himself out of the tub and went to get a new light bulb. In a few minutes Jack returned with a fresh bulb in hand. Using the nearby toilet as a stool, Jack leaned over the tub and unscrewed the dead light bulb.

 

 As he screwed in the fresh bulb he used the shower curtain rod to keep himself from falling. The shower curtain rod however, had been bought at IKEA and was never meant to support the weight of a full-grown man. As Jack used it to keep himself from falling, the rod and shower curtain gave way. Without the support Jack lost his balance and fell into the tub.

 

Jack lived alone so nobody heard the splash as Jack hit the water or the even louder “smash” as Jack’s head collided with the side of the tub. Unconscious and underwater, Jack drowned, only to have his spirit wrenched from his body moments later by Death.

 

“I’d give that one a three out of five for originality, but if you’d managed to somehow electrocute yourself then you might have gotten a four or even a five.” Said Death, who had been watching Jack since he’d come back with a new bulb.

 

Once dead Jack had looked up at Death and asked him just whom he was. This is where Death’s speech began and Death subsequently forgot his age-old lines. To put it simply, Jack was confused. Jack had never really believed in an afterlife, nor had he ever thought of Death as a person. But here Death stood in front of him, and Death was not as impressive as Jack had thought he would be.

 

There was one question Jack wanted to ask Death. This question seemed more important to Jack then any other. This is not to say Jack didn’t have other questions such as whether or not his cat would be okay now that he was gone or what would happen to his private hoard of silver. At this time all Jack really wanted to know was, what sort of supernatural being went around watching people die without having the common decency to make sure it knew what to say?

 

Death remained unmoving with his finger pointing at Jack while Jack looked up at him from his position near the bathtub. After a minute or two Jack ventured to ask “Well? Are you going to finish your sentence or what?”

 

Lowering his finger slightly Death said in a deep voice “Do you know who I am?”

 

“Yes, you just told me. You’re Death, Hell incarnate, and all that.”

 

“NO, I mean yes, but there was…. There was something else.”

 

“What else is there? You are the grim reaper I’d say you told me everything I needed to know.”

 

“I suppose I did… but there was something I am forgetting.” This of course was obvious, but Jack wasn’t about to point that out to death.  While Death had his face hidden beneath a massive black cowl he was utterly perplexed by the situation.

 

“Perhaps you were going to tell me where it is I’m going.”

 

“Oh… well you’re going to Heaven.”

 

“Really? I never believed in God or even went to church.”

 

“Ok, I don’t really know where you’re going. That isn’t my job. My job is to take you to the Halls Of The Dead.”

 

“Where and what is that?”

 

“Look I can’t think about this right now, I’m trying to remember what it was I was going to say.”

 

“Is it that important?”

 

“I don’t know, how would I know that if I can’t remember?”

 

Jack looked at Death, who had his hood pointed downwards in defeat. Jack wanted to tell Death that it would be okay, that life wasn’t ending. They had been together in Jack’s bathroom for the last twenty minutes and Jack was wondering whether or not Death was planning on doing anything other then standing around for eternity while he tried to remember his line.

 

Death’s hood snapped forward, “I remember now!”

 

Jack’s face lit up. “You did?”

 

“Yes, today is the day I’m retiring!”

 

“Wait… you mean to tell me that after that long fear-instilling speech all you wanted to tell me was that you were retiring?”

 

“Well, wouldn’t you tell your clients if you were retiring?”

 

Jack stared at Death. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Yes, he would tell his clients that he was retiring. What he didn’t understand is why Death acted so human. Forgetting days was not something a supernatural being should do.

 

“So who is going to take over? I mean there has to be a Death right?”

 

“Well, I was supposed to promote one of my underlings or pick someone, but I plain forgot that too. Say you seem like a stand up guy, want the job?”

 

            First Jack dies in a ridiculous fashion, then Death is retiring and now Jack had the opportunity to get the job. While Jack thought it over Death continued to speak.

 

            “The hours aren’t great, you have to be on call all the time. But you get to see places and meet people you never could have in life. I remember when I met Julius Caesar; he was nice enough. I never really understood why the senate killed him. Oh well, politics is full of cutthroats, they say.  Anyways, I can fill you in on the rest of the details if you decide to take the job.”

 

            Jack had lived a dull and boring life, he’d never met anyone important and had never gone further then the city limits.  Being Death could be fun. Jack could lead an exciting un-dead life. His family was already either dead or never talked to him, so he wouldn’t be emotionally attached, should he ever have to reap them.

 

“I’ll take the job.”

 

“Fantastic! Lets get going then and we can get you a set of robes, a scythe if you want, though it’s an awkward and heavy thing, and most importantly, a pager.”

 

“A pager?”

 

“Yes, what did you think you’d be carrying a list of names around with you? Even the supernatural world has kept up with the times.”

 

By now Jack wasn’t even surprised anymore about the fact that Death used a pager, forgot things or could even retire. There was just one last thing to ask.

 

“So when do I start?”

 

“Today, if you’d like.”

Reviews

[Mathias Winters]

Those have to be the cleverest first paragraphs ever. I was laughing out loud as I read this. This entire story is just insanely smart and funny. The only thing I would say is that when you are describing Jack's death, it gets a little boring. Otherwise, I enjoyed it.

[AmandaPanda]

Hmm..I find this a little comical.. I like it. It's got that good blend of funny, happy, sad and random feeling to it.