1.

First Chapter

The Sky was open above the fields, and not many clouds could be seen but the clouds which did take up space in the sky formed distinct patterns which changed outthrough the day and transformed into other patterns in a short timeframe.It was an incredibly warm day in may, Unusually warm for the month of mays usual weather in the little community.

Sunbeams flowed it's fertilizing energy down to all the plants, which took form in everything from vegetables to flowers and to spices. The warm rays of sunshine heated every inch of the community and it's bright glow was radiant in it's shine. 

The birds were twittering in their own little bird songs while moving in circularized movement above the fields in a harmonious and energetic flow. It was morning in the community and therefore the twitter was even more loud in the sounds that would be made.

With the coming of may which had just opened it's wide doors, the universal land was even more and more beginning to awaken from the slumber during the winter, and had done so particularly fast this year.

While standing in the middle of the field one could impossibly see it's end, because of all the houses which blocked the view, there was a small number of houses in the area. A place where people moved when they wanted to get a way from the noise in the big city and find peace in the calm areas of the country and which led them to this particular community. Often artists would move to the area, in a desperate search for inspiration which would in turn reward itself on the canvas. It was not an unusual sight to see artists out on the fields with a canvas before them and a pencil in one hand and drawing what lies before them, It was quite common, really. It was the perfect place to do so with it's relaxing and tranquilizing elements which was flowing outthrough the community.

The air was non existant during this particular morning, and the heat was for some, in fact, unbearable and for some was an excruciating heat which was quite uncomfortable.

It was purely coincidental that i had ended up on these long fields this warm may morning. I was driving by the road and got the incessant urge to go out into the field and enjoy the surrounding and true to form i did not resist this urge, As i fully indulge in all my urges, and which is a known fact about me, which my friends and family knows all about.There has been many times when my family while i was growing up become perpetually annoyed with me as i wanted them to pull over so that i could go out and see what it was that fascinated me, whatever it was during that moment. I have a compulsive need to indulge in my incessant urges and i do so in such a determined manner. 

I stood in the middle of the fields, enjoying the company of the flowers and vegetables and the sunbeams and all in between and a huge satisfying companion right now, were the birds twitter which tones made a loud sound in my eardrum. A beautiful sound, In fact one of the most beautiful and natural musicality one can ever find and such a noise is a continous joy which one rejoices in within it's full force.

I felt incredibly satisfied as i raised my head up against the sunbeams and felt it's warmth and energies and rays of sunshine reach my face and after having enjoyed it's energies for a while i looked up into the sky and studied the few patterns which formed in the few clouds which were visuable, I did this persistantly in an incredibly satisfactory activity.

I was probably a bit crazy. Which i know is the understatement of the new year. I'm totally bonkers in my existence and i proved my craziness by all the times i had been committed to the psychward, so many times that i cant even count them on my two hands. 

It was often the fact that i indulged in my urges which brought me to the looneybin. I would find myself disassociated with the world and sometimes i would give into the urges to talk to flowers and even to books which was a pure sign of my craziness, and therefore i had to be committed.

Although i was unbeliavably crazy in these activities, i enjoyed them immensely, It was no shattering and nervous breakdown which had led me to talk to those flowers or books, i did it cause i wanted to and enjoyed it thoroughly. I felt a connection with them, and i was and i am convinced of their existence which is an existence which takes form in thoughts and in breathing. Sometimes when i'm as they call it 'at my most dissassociated phase' i truly believe they are real.

One day my mum Kathleen would find my talking to my flowers while watering them, and off it was, Start packing, your going to the looneybin kid and there i was.

While i stood there in the fields i had to fight the continous urge to stay there, which i most certainly could have done. I could probably had stayed there for a day or two, if i was really fascinated and satisfied but i thought about Dani, and her birthdayparty and i realised i had to go and i also realised i couldn't let myself be sucked into my normal urges which could be disastrous.

I went towards the car and it felt the need to stay again, but i unrelentlessly fought myself into the car and i drove off into the roads way.

I looked back at the present which i had so carefully wrapped for Dani, which turned into a beautiful result. Within the wrapped paper it contained a painting i had drawn while possessed by the inspirational sources within me. It was an ethereal painting, full of life, and vibrant and colorful colours. It was a potrait of me and her, which i had drawn off of a picture we had taken together. A memory i would treasure for the longest of time. 

I was just to be released from the psychward, which time in order, i can't remember, but i think it was somewhere in the middle. My family's present was none existant, they had distanced themselves from me, as they were tired of my craziness and wanted to  avoid me for a time like the plague. While they were nonexistant, there was my best friend whom picked me up and took me on a journey i'll probably never forget. I was naturally worried that morning about being released and thought about the prospect of having to be independent. It was dreary and draining and a bit scary after having been in there for such a long time. Although those feelings quickly faded, as she took me on this journey which lasted for almost a week, in which the photo was taken as to which then became a painting, a potrait.

I knew that Dani was not particularly artistic interested but the painting was valuable for it's sentimental value. 

Dani was like a sister to me, certainly more like one then the sisters i already had. My family disliked Dani, well and truly. Especially for her blunt ways and her reputation in the community. She was not right in the head they thought which i thought reflected more on them then on her.

I drove by my parents house and they sat in their chairs in their garden, a beautiful garden which probably served as a facade to hide the cracks inside. I could see their displeased look as i drove by, They knew where i was going and i didnt even had grace to stop and say hi.

In their eyes i was an easily impressionable little girl. Like Dani was trying to recruit troops for her way of life and to inturn impression their lifestyle. How foolish.Terribly grating. Like nails grinding it's edges towards a chalk board and also terribly insulting.

I drove across the roads and felt the air sink into my hair through the open car window. Something was breathing onto me. Must stop these thoughts or i might disassociate myself again, and that is a terrible no-no.

I arrived at the yard of her house, a house which colour had gradually faded and the tree looked horribly frail, like it would fall apart at the most simple storm.

1.

I laid in my bed, inhaling the smoky air which was filled with the smell of tobacco. I looked around and saw the ash trays full of cigarette ashes and the beercans which had been piling up on the surface of the entire white table. I realised how messy my house had gotten. Something which i usually have no problem with but at some unusual times it does hit me but not enough to do something about it. 

I felt the air stream inside through the window above my bed as i had opened it, and i inhaled the air, and looked out into the fields outside and i realised how calm it was, no grating neighbours and no cars that continously drove by, total peace and that was immensely satisfactory.

I brought my attention into flashbacks of the earlier night, which had been totally fulfilling even though the hangover which was now hanging over me, made one question if it was truly worth it but after it fades one often starts thinking it is again.

As i fought the vomit reflexes i remembered the girl i had spent time with the entire night. A girl without a name. Or atleast to me, which was how i wanted it as she wouldn't remain in my life anyway and was just a fling for the night so her name was incredibly irrelevant. 

I remembered how we'd reached new heights of an euphoric state together. Highly pleasurable, and in turn it was totally delicious.

I remembered how i had seen her at the bar and had known immediately, that i was going to have her. Our eyecontact made thoughts enter my mind, Thoughts which formed a smile on my face in this moment. 

I remembered how we had explored one another's bodies, in a highly fascination and fulfilling experience. It makes me tickly just thinking about it. 

I realised as i looked around how content i was with my life, Layers which was built up by time. I enjoyed my daily, and slightly repeated routine. Solitary Loneliness by day, and wild and carefree by night. It was an enormously good combination which i enjoyed.

There was just one thing which i undeniably wanted, which was in form of someone, A great friend, whom i love but i know that it could never be, and is therefore impossible so i try not to dvelve in those thoughts and emotions too much. It's unnecessary to do so and serves no purpose but what i would do for one kiss with her which might transform into something more, Which is exactly the kind of thoughts i dont allow myself to think about.

I felt how i was most definitly going to vomit and ran to the bathroom and released it. I laid with my head against the toilet seat waiting for a repeat, but it didnt arrive and that was a great revelation.

I went back into my little bohemian livingroom and sat down in the couch and i lit a cigarette and i grabbed an old beer can and emptied it's content. I let the smoke fill my lungs and as i looked around i realised how incredibly happy i was. Life was fun, and i lived quite the gratifying lifestyle and it was immensely enduring.

As i sat there i started hearing the tractor driving around in the fields, which was neither grating or otherwise at this point, i was so wrapped inside my mind frame where i was reflecting on my life. An exciting life filled with heeps of dissapointment which i survived and struggled through and in that process came out a stronger human being.

I suddenly remembered that today was my birthday, A horrid experience as is why i cancelled the birthdayparty which i had planned with Alex and i called each and every one of them and i cancelled personally. The only one i didnt call was Alex, there was no point. She'd turn up bearing gifts anyway, so that was a pointless act all in itself. I knew it was out of compassion and love though, so i didnt sweat it.

And as i sat there thinking about my generous and loony friend, i heard a car drive up by my house, and i looked outside and it most certainly was Alex whom pulled up in her black Volvo.