Chapter 1; My Reflection In Her

The first chapter of The Ethereal Days of Illusion

The Ethereal days of Illusion

I went in a compulsive fashion up and down the road in total concentration, While i walked i had an enormously long timeline in which i studied the patterns in the ground which while in such a spaced out state seemed to change with every step as i walked up and down the road in a very persistant fashion.

I was crazy, and consumed by heartbreaks uncaring touch.

I was inbetween studying the patterns in the ground stuck in a daydream which was joyful and rejoiced the many layers of life that i had held so dear to me.

I saw the house, The house where they had lived for 50 years, The house which symbolized warmth and happiness in her own perceptive opinion.

It was a yellow house, a beautiful yellow house which many happy times had been spent inside of, The little community was a place where everyone knew and socialised with just about everyone in it's area, Such an enduring experience, Getting to know all those individuals in such a long time, as 50 years. That's a lot of time for one to form aqcuintances and friends in a town which people rarely left, and instead remained.

When one would stand in the kitchen window, one would see the garden which was so carefully tended, surrounding the house. A garden which hinted a peculiar interest in the world of gardening.

A garden which included everything from vegetables to flowers, and to plants and to herbs and spices.

A generous amount of time had been put into tending that garden, and it was very obvious in it's beauty.

For her, it was almost an obsession in which she was dedicated to the plants survival and therefore put a whole lot of time into the process of keeping them so.

Gardening proved an activity which was highly enduring when trying to block out some emotions which was unessential to her survival.

Green trees was a decorative beautiful sight to behold in the surrounding of the house, and was an important role in keeping the house fully within the reach of it's gorgeous atmosphere. Some of the trees contained apples which she steadily and often went to pick from it's tree.

A routine she upheld once in two weeks time.

There was a church in the little community, which everyone (almost everyone) visited on sunday for it's sunday sermon and she,a devout christian was one of them and so was her children and her husband.

They all believed in the importance of christianity and upheld it's believes in a graceful manner and abided by all it's insight to wisdom, or thats what she thought and she was gladly in the dark about the indiscretions of her family.

What she didnt know, Didn't exist, and if an indiscretion had been made she was sure they'd well and truly make up for it in other ways.

She was well and truly convinced of her families happiness and she strived for perfection in every shade of life.

A daily routine of cleaning, was an important one to keep her kids in a good environment, and the cooking in which she strived and set out goals as to which she was stubborn and determined to reach for the most spectacular dishes.

There was a house next to hers, which almost every woman in town went to for a sewing and book meetings, combined into one where she made great friends during those times.

The house where 50 years had been spent, and in which she had thrived in and where happiness was a constant near by element in their family life, or?.

She was me, and i'm well aware that i might have upheld an illusion, which is hard to grasp even now as it felt very real.

So real that i thought everyone was happy, I seem to have been mistaken and that pains me incredibly. I walked up and down the road in almost an entire day until my mum came for a visit and stopped the forces which had kept me compulsively roaming up and down the road for such a long time.

Chapter 1: My reflection in her:

We had by now went into the comforts of the house, which was all the same from the chilly cold i experienced outside and which had consumed me from every angle in an unrelentless cold but here inside there was something else to complain about, so one is never far away from negative elements these days.

While inside however, My mother Karen began brewing us a pot of coffee.

An unbearable quiet stemmed from somewhere and took form in total silence within the kitchen.

It was like we had nothing to say to one another, and my mums true reason for coming had been as evident as it was when i saw her arrive just now.

I looked into the reflection of the mirror which i had so determinedly put up there, And i reflected about the mere thought of where the energy had arrived from which made me be able to put up that mirror, I was so drained of energy, but the mirror, oh yes that was well within possibility.

I sat there and watched my mothers taunting and dark eyes, and realised that she had come to relish in my pain, and my wounds.

She found great pleasure out of it, no doubt.There was a combined emotion which i seemed to grasp through her eye contact, There was pity and their was gloat present in her dark eyes.

I had often told her that i would never end up in the chaos she was left in, I had almost gotten a perverse pleasure out of doing so, and here we were. Strange, Indeed strange.

I looked at my mother and i saw my own reflection in her and it was terribly upsetting not to mention grating. 

'Here we are.' I said in a loathsome tone which i hoped could be grasped from the words that formed 

'Yes, here we are.'

'In more then one ways, eh mother?'

'What do you mean? Are you trying to tell me something, cause if you are. You might as well air it out'

 'It's fairly obvious isnt it. why your here. You find great pleasure in watching me proved wrong, Dont you?'

 'Kim! Your being most terribly unfair. Of course i dont, Is this part of some great scheme to totally alienate the entire family?'

'I'm not alienating anyone, Mother, except you perhaps. Give me one example of me alienating the children, That simply hasnt happened, nor with my husband for that matter'

'You have. but that's not important now. What is important now, Is you and how you pick yourself up from this' 'You come here hoping to preserve the notion of care and humility and to pity me in turn. I dont need your goddamn pity!'

'Kim! Most uncalled for.'

'Yes, it is unusual isnt it. but what does that matter now?, I have been a devout christian and where has that got me? The funeral of my marriage.Makes you wonder.'

'Kim, you cant be serious. Your not blaming... You best watch yourself or i might think your engaging in blasphemy'

'What does it matter now? I dont care anymore.'

'Well that is most unfortunate, You should reflect on your failings and start fresh.' 

'I should do no such thing.'

 'You are impossible, Kim.'

 'Indeed. It sure seems like it doesn't it.'

 'Is there even any point in me staying?'

 'No.It's not. You ought to go. Fast. Before i say something i shouldn't'

 I repressed the tears that wanted to flow so badly,while mum watched me in a dissatisfied look.

 She walked out and moments after i looked out the window, I lit a cigarette and watched the rain combined snow fall on my window, in the most beautiful noise and i'm consumed by loneliness, it breaths in every corner and shade of the room, and it's empty and i again fight back the urge to cry.