Restless Echo's of Insanity

Trigger Warning: This poem discusses themes of depression, self-harm, and intense emotional struggle. Dealing with depression, the thoughts that race through your mind that come with it.

I wake with an ache in my chest,  
Feeling the restless thoughts all-consuming,  
Looking at the clock with a sigh,  
Wide awake again in the middle of the night.

I fight the inescapable thoughts,  
Hoping that they would go away with my positive affirmations,  
Unfortunately, they noticed my machination,  
Tore me down more, and more,  
Pleading for blood and gore or the ultimate end of my mind.

It's like they know this thread of sanity I have is running thin,  
Reminding me of all my sins,  
All of these pins of memories from my subconscious making me cringe.

I get up from my bed,  
Ultimately deciding I need a distraction  
Before this faction of hateful thoughts wins.  
I sit at my desk, turn on my computer hoping for the best.

I look to the things that used to make me happy,  
Unfortunately, they all remind me of my apathy.  
Emptiness fills me, I begin to wonder why I tried,  
My tears fall as I begin to cry,  
Oh no, I can't stop the flow this time.

I look at the clock with puffy red eyes,  
It's been 4 hours since I last woke,  
I can't believe I let my emotions go.

Should I really do it this time?  
Tell myself it's for the best because I'm useless?  
Give in to the nothingness I feel because I know I will never truly heal.

Because if I heal who will I be then?  
Will I always feel like it's an act?  
Will I forever pretend?  
Does it matter if I did that?  
Does it matter if I don't?  
Does it really matter at all  
When I feel like I'm just barely afloat?

Should it end?  
Maybe...  
Before I do it...  
I should write these feelings out,  
Someone needs to know how I feel right now.