What Impression?

Stood a foot away
Squinted rigidly
Boundaries blurry and vague -
Ellipses blue or green

Impasto textured twists
I felt - but could not "see"
Premeditated patterns for something
Closer scrutinized - would misread

Until the tailored suit attendant
Eased my shoulders back -
Dawned upon the meaning -
The sum greater in pack

Further away, crystalline vision gave -
Kaleidoscope coloured pads
And angular light on a pond that portrayed -
"Water Lillies" by Monet

Reviews

[Ookpik]

This is sharp work. And though I'd thought to pass it by, I'm a little compelled to leave some thoughts:

"Impasto textured twists" - this is a brilliant line, 'impasto' is a very strong word and the consonance between 'st' and 'xt' mirror the aesthetic definition perfectly.

"I felt - but could not 'see'
Premeditated patterns for something
Closer scrutinized - would misread"

'I felt' punctuated by the dash (which provokes a sense of motion to the reader) is aligned nicely to 'closer scrutinized - would misread'. Your dash placement is well suited here, again there's motion induced by these lines and it brings the reader to the center of the stanza - both due to dashes behaving as parentheses and - because you've placed them at a kilter to the stanzaic mean (placed against the center).

This works well, and is a really nice tool if you want the reader to go back and reexamine what's set between dashes (they don't always, but that's usually the idea when using them parenthetically).

The only thing I'd suggest with that grouping is that 'something', from premeditated patterns for...' is a vague word, and you've already set up what could be a tight alliteration in that line ('preamble in premeditated patterns' might fit well, though 'preambling' constitutes the same rhyme as 'something', just with an extra syllable).

Again, by staggering those dashes near the center of your stanza, you draw attention to what sits between them. And because you've already established active consonance in the first line, if you can fit alliteration into the the third than that stanza goes from nice to perfect (you'd be fitting alliteration between key-phrases 'could not see' and 'closer scrutinized - would misread', which would be really slick).

The use of dashes can be an excellent tool, and I use them myself (overuse even, so I've been told). The only thing to keep in mind (I'm guilty of this) is that if you use them without specific purpose than they lose their potency (I was told it's like an artist that scribbles to fill up space).

Personally I still 'scribble' a lot when writing, but I especially noticed that second stanza and wanted to say something. When I'm really trying to nail a specific piece, I try to keep grammatic intent close to mind during the edits (in writing, grammar constitutes the brushes while language makes the paint).

All that said (I realize I left a lot) I did really enjoyed reading and do hope you find some value in those observations.

Very nice work!

-Ook

[VelvetPotato]

Ook,

Thank you so much for your extensive and insightful annotation. I read a lot of Emily D, and that is kind of where I got my dash grammar from (I believe she was the first one to do it.) To be honest, I really just use the dashes when it feels right; it is not an entirely a conscious decision. Your review has been insightful because I understand that I do tend to use them when I want to portray something "in motion." However for now on I'm going to consider my use of dashes more carefully (as I don't want them to lose their meaning!)

I will reconsider my use of "something." I feel I was intentionally trying to be vague to give off a sense of bewilderment and mild frustration because the subject couldn't understand the painting up close. Then again it does seem a bit sloppy when compared to the rest of the poem, and I love a good alliteration. I'll sleep on it. Thanks again for your thoughts. :)

[Chris Shaw]

I am a great fan of Monet and have a Water Lillies painting on my dining room wall. I have to agree, get too close you won't be able to appreciate its mastery. It's all in the light you know :) Well penned my friend.

Chris

[VelvetPotato]

Yes! You have to stand back to understand impressionist paintings. Just like you sometimes have to take a step back to get the big picture in a situation. Thanks Chris. :)

[Chris Shaw]

You are so right about taking a step outside the circle, to get a better perspective :)