Dilution

Many things as unwanted as weeds
spanning across many different breeds
grown in the farm of man's character-
bring closer the closing chapter.

Obstinacy and ostentation
do register proliferation,
greed, envy, hatred are no different,
all men are becoming arrogant.

Dilution of emotions takes place
at an unmatched and impressive pace.
I have been injured and I feel pained
that our relations have become strained.

It is the weeds which need dilution
which contaminate, cause pollution.

Author's Note

Input on syllables would be appreciated.

Reviews

[Adam Adams]

alongwith your rhythmic portion (pattern), the material or the depth of your contents' is quite appreciative. the poetry you've certainly come up with is seemed more like a twister --- the mixture of poignanancy. decetion. & jittery juxtaposed world that further speaks the virtue of life where hardly the heart's valued... perhaps, the dilution of sins be actually blended with its caramalized beats. nicely done. short. simple. & absolutely quite layered with high-class thoughts. great job!

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Thank you very much for your insightful words.

[barleygirl]

Your construction is just fine, nothing stands out, & the reading flows well. The message is impactful & blunt, but it reminds me of a couple other times when I've had to critique you perhaps more harshly than usual. I remember when I first started reading you on this website & I mentioned that you use many large & complex words, which makes your message feel a little stilted & maybe even somewhat judgmental, like the narrator is placing him/herself above the audience, in a bit of a preachy way. It's not offensive at all, but just kind of makes a person's hair bristle, to be told we all suck & we have a bunch of issues that apparently the narrator does not. Your message seems to soften, however, halfway thru the third stanza when the narrator brings him/herself into the picture by using the pronoun "I" . . . it always feels more inclusive when it's being discussed like "OUR" problems, as humans . . . instead of pointing at humans as being all messed up in such ways. I hope you see this subtle difference I'm talking about. I think your message is true & even a bit harsh, but there's nothing wrong with having something strong to say. In fact, I much prefer writers who have a distinct viewpoint & aren't afraid to say what they mean. It's just that when you point out how people are messed up in some way, it is easier to take the message to heart if you make it more of an inclusive message, like we are all in this together & you are showing your heart: "I have been injured and I feel pained . . . our relations are strained." Now we understand why you were coming off so harshly in the first two stanzas, becuz you're hurt about a relationship.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Well, that is a really amazing review. I am not only hurt about a relationship but also about the straining relations among people in general. Thank you for your extremely valuable review.

[Pryde Foltz]

Some clever word play, Vatsal. I guess where I am sitting all emotions are a dilution or warping of love:):):)

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Thank you for your insightful review.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

nice rhythm to this...and i like the theme as it speaks to me...weed out the hate, and we can all grow again...the weeds of hate are stifling...you weave a good metaphor within these lines.
j.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Exactly that way. Thank you for your words of commendation.