Doomsday

Our planet will be wiped out
and so will be we humans.
Our planet will cry at us-
leave now, leave now, flee humans.

And, none of us will be spared,
all creatures will have to die.
All this will happen out here
while we will but only cry.

Life will burst just like bubbles,
we will have to bid goodbye.
All this will happen out here
while we will but only cry.

Author's Note

Inputs on syllable-count will be much appreciated.

Reviews

[William Liston]

This piece has a very strong message. Unfortunately, with weapons, technology, (and perhaps humans) becoming more destructive, this poem's prediction could very well come true. I enjoyed the overall flow and thoughts expressed in this piece. I especially enjoyed the last stanza. I felt like the last stanza was well-orgainized; it's chaotic first three lines really added strength to the line "while we will but only cry." As a whole, this poem reminded me of Sara Teasdale's "There Will Come Soft Rains."

As for the syllable count, I must say that although I admire your effort to keep uniformity throughout this piece, I felt like you sometimes disrupted the flow for the sake of making each line have seven syllables. Remember this: The purpose of counting syllables is to give your poems a smooth flow; therefore, one should never sacrifice the flow and naturalness of speech for the sake of keeping a uniform syllable count. There are other factors that influence a poem's flow such as syntax, punctuation, rhythm ... etc., and syllable count makes up PART -- and not ALL -- of what constitutes a good flow.

With that being said, one common rule for all forms of writing is to avoid unnecessary words. I notice that for the sake of syllable count, you use many words that are unnecessary and (as far as my reading experience is concerned) disrupts the flow.

For example:

"and so will be we humans."
The word 'be' is unnecessary.

"All this will happen out here
while we will but only cry."
The words 'out' and 'but' are unnecessary.

Hope you found this helpful. Other than those words, I enjoyed the overall flow of this poem.

- William Liston

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Thank you for this amazing review. Your advice is really valuable. I will see to that syllable count doesn't disrupt my flow in my subsequent poems. Thanks once more for a really wonderful and constructive review.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Vatsal Rohilla,
This was a thought provokking word to what seems like death coming. Wiped out, our planet (cries) at us to flee. The we return the voice of the earth to only(cry). Then the phrase in the last paragraph Life will burst like bubbles. Good writing. I know that with sylable count i just have to see how the balance is and if it might be to comlex by maybe a few to extra words. Blessings to you. Kathy

[Pushkar Prabhat]

WoW!!!!
dark powerful.......and the sad truth is.......this might be just around the corner.......
your syllable count is same in every line......Seven, that is.
well written.....
i really liked it!!!
:)

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Thank you for your appreciative comments.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

you are welcome.............!!! :) :)

[barleygirl]

Your syllable count is a perfect SEVEN for each line (well done). This is a simple message, but there are powerful undertones that make it more sophisticated than it looks on the surface. I agree very much with what you're saying, not becuz I am inclined to have a "doomsday" outlook, but instead, it's more like global acceptance . . . we are messing up this planet & we will all pay the price, so be it. We might as well embrace the beauty while it's still there to enjoy.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Well, you are pretty right. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and we must do so till we live. Thank you for your amazing review.

[Shabeeh Haider]

That's how it is going to be in the end. A scary but true picture.
The syllable count is a perfect 7 beats through out except in the first line of the second stanza.
You could have made it more perfect if you had followed the same rhyming scheme in lines 2 and 4 of the first stanza which you have done in lines 2 and 4 of the remaining two stanzas. ( die, cry, bye, cry)
Another alternative was that you could have changed the rhyme of the third stanza.
After reading the first stanza, one gets the idea the idea that you wanted to start this off as a ghazal ( we humans, flee humans). There is a qaafia and Radeef here but then I think you changed your mind.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Well, I owe you for these valuable inputs. I just didn't get any words to rhyme in the first stanza, that is why I had to put in a Qaafia and Radeef. As for the line 1 of the second stanza, I would edit it to have 7 beats in there too. Your advice is really valuable. Thank you very much.

[Lola_Bee]

scary yet true, we all know the end is always near but yet we have no fear. well put together, great work

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Exactly, that way, my friend. Thank you for your review.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we will regret what we have done to our existence one day...we will be gone...the planet will remain and get stronger...and who will shed tears for us?

nicely done, Vatsal

j.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

Yes, there would be no one to shed tears for us. Thank you for your insightful review.

[Coyote Poetry]

I believe we will have the Mad Max world after the great countries use the nuclear weapons. Old Poet once said. "Men will not die quickly, it will be a slow and hard death." Today world. Countries supplying terrorist with weapons and money are the motivator of hate and separation. The men and women who support terror are guilty as the murderers. Powerful write my friend.
Coyote

[Pryde Foltz]

Feeling a little bleak today ... I think ... yeah maybe one day the planet will end but we will have long since evolved into knowing ourselves and it is a great big universe and even bigger mind:):):)

[Vatsal Rohilla (account shifted)]

yeah, it is so, thank you for reviewing.