Conscious

What am I? Where am I? Am I nothing, or is it that fear that proves I truly exist?

I look forward to the blank darkness, the vacancy of it completely fresh to me. Had I seen it before? With a surge of fear, the realization thunders through me; Had I seen… anything before? I raced to form any memory of who I was, or at least of what I was. Had I existed before a few seconds ago, or were my thoughts of confusion and darkness the birth of my consciousness? As I sucked in a breath, I could feel something flood into my lungs, sending an ice cold wave of dread to my heart. That was it. I pulled my mind from the millions of unanswered questions, focusing on the sound resonating throughout what I presumed to be my soul. I could hear it, I could hear my heartbeat. If nothing else tethered me to my own existence it was the fear that reminded me I had something to lose. I had lungs to be filled, I had a heart to ache, and I had the mind to perceive such terror and confusion. I struggled to grip my own form, as if I was forever being pulled away from grasping what I was. With the foundation of my humanity fresh in my mind, a surge of defiance numbs the fear, as the feeling slowly returns to my hands. Thus came the first sensation... cold. It was cold. I curled my fingers into a fist, letting my skin recognize itself, pulling my arm up to what I recalled to be my face. I wrapped my fingers around it, feeling the ice cold landscape of who I was. I could feel the curves of my face: my nose, my mouth, and my eyes. Yes, my eyes! They were fleshier than I remembered them being, though the memory remained unreliable, as nothing but the mere idea of my eyes returned from it. 

The light shimmered through as I pried my eyes open, splitting the darkness and entering me into an even more unfamiliar world. My sight remained fuzzy, but it was enough to look down and see myself. I floated in seemingly nothingness, looking at the skin overlying my body, it’s hue washed out and made pale by whatever I was in. I could see the outlines of my bones through my skin, as I was laid bare in the void I had apparently been inhabiting. As my sight returned, I raised my head to look forward; Look forward at what had been nothing but darkness. In its place, a haze of colors. I couldn’t be sure if I simply hadn’t recognized what sat in front of me, or if the haze of light and dull shades of yellow and gray had been distorted by whatever kept me apart from it.

A thud echoed throughout all of what I knew to be the world, the soft but poignant sound vibrating on my chest. Then came another, and another, keeping time with each other. As the sounds continued to shake me, a new distortion emerged ahead of me. A figure approaching, misshapen and blurred by the barrier between us. It’s form became clearer and clearer, making itself out to be vaguely human as it stood closer to me. It leaned in, what I presumed to be it’s face coming mere feet away from me. Inches from the barrier, I could finally begin to recognize the being occupying my isolation. It looked at me sternly, the face of a human man, same as I. As his eyes came to meet mine, his cold expression cracked; His lips twitched ever so slightly upwards as he peered into my eyes, into me. 

A tremor was once again sent all around me, much more violent than before. Without a second more, the void all around me began to drain, sucked below. The liquid sunk beneath my head, the sting of the air replacing the cold nothingness. It drained beneath my mouth, the liquid in my throat revolting against my body. My throat tightened as my body threw out the liquid for me,  allowing me to finally pull in a breath of air. As it passed my waist, I stumbled back into the little bit of liquid still left in the tank. The drain gargled as the final bit of liquid left me on the cold metal floor, finally revealing a clear image of the man standing before me, wearing a suit as plain as his face. 

The barrier between us slid open. Without hesitation he reached for me, grabbing my slick arm and roughly pulling me from the tank. I stumbled out, my body too weak to muster any control over myself. I struggled to make it to my feet as he dragged me through the corridor, passing by labeled rooms I didn’t have the peace of mind to read. I could hear talking all around me, and out of the speakers mounted throughout, but it was all in a language I couldn’t begin to comprehend. I wasn’t all too certain there was any language I could. 

We reached the end of the corridor, stopped in front of another big metal door, but one bigger than all the rest. I finally got my eyes to focus on the writing on the wall, on the label belonging to that big metal door, but once again it was not something I could understand. The grinding of the door’s gears sent shivers down my spine, the room finally being unveiled before me. Through the slow sliding of the door I once again saw it: the darkness. Despite the same appearance that I was acquainted with, a mere peak into this darkness told me how different it was. It seemed… hungry. This darkness seemed to consume all it touched, the air wafting from it being colder than anything I had felt before. The man once again pulled me forward, tossing me into this abyss without a second thought. As the door closed behind me, the last slimmer of light was snuffed out, leaving me alone with the darkness.

Submerged in the dark, my body shivered, the cold penetrating down into my core. I could feel much more than that, though; I could feel it looking at me. I could feel it examine me. The pressure built upon my skin as I could feel the darkness wrap around it. Completely abandoned, I had nothing to do but open my mouth and scream, but the sound didn’t come. The darkness has eaten that, too. There was nothing to look at, nothing to comprehend as the numbness returned to my body. All at once, I returned to that state, that state of numbness and confusion. As my senses once again disappeared, I could finally understand.