Chapter 10 - Lost in the Woods

Even when you get where you're going, it's far too easy to get lost on the way.

Ania shivered as she spread out her bedroll on the thick moss. The massive oak tree that thrust its branches out above her wouldn’t let anything else brow in its shadow, but the ground was surprisingly level for such a large, old tree. The thick foliage made a perfect canopy above her head, but there was nothing to stop the biting wind from cutting her down to the bone.

That wasn’t the reason she was shivering, though. At least, not all of it. Her hands had been shaking since she had watched Elyys run off towards the carriage and she’d heard that one last expletive before the carriage doors had shut.

She had walked back to the book stall to pick up her things. She hadn’t even intended to say anything to the stall vendor until she’d realized that she still had a death grip on the small leather-bound book she’d picked up just before hearing Elyys fall. She’d crumpled one of the pages, so she’d bought the book off the vendor without even looking at the title. As the money had changed hands, the vendor had said, with the most genuine apathy Ania had ever heard, “I don’t know why you bothered yourself with that boy. Seems like a bloody waste of time to me. Something I swear the things can’t even think for themselves.”

The smile Ania had worn as she said goodbye to the old woman had been a thousand times more painful than any broken bone had ever been.

Ania glanced down at the book that sat on top of her pack. Now that she had a moment to look at it, she recognized it. The Man from the West. It was the same story that she’d grown up loving; the one her mother had embroidered on her feast day shirt. She tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a bark. A man who fought beside a woman, as her equal? In what world could that have ever been true?

Ania put her head down into her hands. She was suddenly very, very tired. All of the emotions that had taken their turns possessing her had left her completely exhausted. The only thing she could think about was the look on Elyys’s face when he said, “It doesn’t really matter what I think.” Surely he couldn’t have believed it? How could anyone believe something like that of themselves? What kind of world did she live in, where there were people like Abagael and Elyys’s mother walking the same street? And those words... blood soldiers.

What had she gotten herself into?

***

Ania stood there, oddly detached from the world around her. She’d never seen anything like it before. The world stretched out on a flat plane until it seemed to drop off just at the edge of site. Tall stalks of grass came up past her knees, and they moved like water in a breeze she couldn’t feel. Above, the sky boiled unnaturally with a storm that filled the air with a violent, barely contained energy. With every breath she took, it felt like tiny sparks were running up and down the inside of her body. Everything felt oddly separate. The only thing that felt natural was a hill that rose out of the center of the plain with a single, twisted tree adorning the top.

She turned in a slow circle, taking in the unsettling scene before her. Out of the corner of her eye, the plain seemed to shift, one moment serene, the next trampled and bloodstained. A tingle ran along her spine �" the open plain seemed far too exposed. Her eyes looked on the lone hill. She felt an undeniable urge to make for that hill, to hold it against the attack to come. She took a few steps towards it. She had to get to the high ground �" !

“Not just yet, little Knight.”

Ania froze. Not just her movements �" she could feel ice forming in her stomach and spreading to every inch of her body. I know that voice. But, that’s… that’s impossible…She turned around slowly.

“Hello, Ania.” Alliania Kyatei jumped down off Jimande. She didn’t look any different than the last time Ania had seen her, four years ago. She swept the dark hood off her head and shook her crown of short black hair, just like she always had. Everything was the same, down to Alliania’s piercing blue gaze, an exact copy of Ania’s.

“A-aunt Alla.” Ania swallowed. It looked so real, and yet her aunt had the same surreal look to her as the rest of the plain. “This is a dream, isn’t it?”

Her aunt shrugged. “Whether it is or not is beside the point. What matters here is you, Ania.”

A hawk screeched behind her. “Quick little Ania. Never would have picked you as one to get lost in the woods.”

Ania spun around to face the Knight she’d spoken to at Karra’s shop. On her shoulder perched a hawk. Its beak glinted with a razor’s edge, and Ania would have sworn that the bird was the very same that had flown over Avionne those few days before. One look into those dark eyes, and Ania saw herself falling into a storm of never-ending power. “Wh-what’s going on?”

“That’s a good question, child.” This was a man’s voice. It had a strange accent, one she’d never heard before. Ania turned to the west �" how she knew which direction it was baffled her �" and saw a man, clothed in black like the other two, walking towards her. His skin was dark, a much deeper color than the bronzed look of the Hatachians to the south. His eyes were so dark that she couldn’t tell the black center from the rest of it. His hair was black and wavy, and it lay thick across his forehead. In one had he carried a long staff, and by his side walked the biggest, whitest wolf Ania had ever seen. Long, silky fur covered every inch of the majestic animal. Golden eyes locked onto her own, and Ania had the strangest feeling that she heard a voice inside her head repeat the man’s words.

Ania turned in a circle, trying to look at all three of the adults at once, or even just two, but they all stood just far enough apart that Ania could only see one at a time. “What’s going on?” she repeated. “Where am I?”

“The where and what will be answered in time, little Knight,” her aunt said. “It is the why that should concern you now.”

“Alright.” Ania licked her lips. The strange energy that filled the air made her mouth as dry as an empty riverbed. “Why is this happening?”

“Why indeed, girl?” The hawk on the female Knight’s shoulder shifted and stretched its wings, but never once did it look away from Ania. The Knight spoke again, in a quiet voice that seemed as loud as a thunderclap. “Why are you hiding in the woods?”

“What? I’m not �"”

“You seek refuge in what you know, even though you have long since entered the unknown.” The strange accent of the man reverberated through the earth. Tremors ran through the waves of grass around her. “You have chosen the path you desire to walk, and yet you condemn yourself for walking it. You dwell in the past while claiming to journey towards a better future. Why indeed?”

“Ania,” her aunt asked, in that tone of voice that was gentle and firm at the exact same time, “why is your heart so troubled? You are old beyond your years.”

They really want me to answer. I’m being interrogated by my dreams. Why is this not surprising? Ania met her aunt’s gaze, staring into the face of the woman who had so greatly shaped her childhood. She felt the pain that had haunted her eve since she had left home well up inside her, and she realized, too late to do anything about it, that hot tears were rolling down her cheeks. “I-I feel lost. The world around me �" it’s not what I thought it would be. I don’t know what to do.”

“What did you expect, child?” The dark eyed man’s voice reminded her so much of her da’s that she wanted to curl up in a ball right then and there. “The world is a many-faceted place.”

“I… I’m not sure. I think I expected it to be like the worlds in my books. I knew there was pain, and sorrow, and fear �" that’s why I wanted to leave, so I could help people �" but I didn’t expect there to be so much hatred and cruelty.

“Why does that matter?”

Ania felt like she was about to choke. That was not the answer she’d been expecting. “W-what?”

The man stepped forward and locked her gaze. “Why does it matter what the rest of the world is? There is still pain. There is still sorrow. Why does hatred stop you from being virtuous?”

She swallowed hard. All of these questions… Why are they asking me so many questions? The worst part was, she knew she had to answer. Even though it’s only a dream. She tried to take a breath, but the unnerving feeling of tiny sparks running through her lungs cast her off balance, and she couldn’t find any solid footing insider herself. It was the same sensation that had filled her ever since her mother had slammed the doors to her bedroom. “All the rules have changed.”

“Changed?” The female Knight looked like she was about ready to burst out laughing. “Oh, little Ania �" you never even knew the rules.”

Her heart stopped.

She’s right.

Her eyes burned. All of the unfamiliar surroundings �" the boiling sky, the grass that moved without wind �" blurred over. She could see clearly and she realized that it was true for more than just this dream. She couldn’t see what was in front of her. She didn’t know what was coming. She opened her mouth, and tried to force words past the lump in her throat. “I’m... I’m lost.”

“Then why on earth are you still moving?”

“This time, Ania really did choke. Her eyes bugged out of their sockets. What?

When she didn’t answer, the man repeated the question. “Ania, you are lost, and with good reason. You have been thrust into a situation that you never even conceived possible. You are also eleven years old. By every standard known to man, you are a still a child. If you turned around right now, you could go home, and while your mother might be angry, it would not be difficult to mend those bridges. They haven’t been utterly burned. So, why are you still moving?”

“I… I have… have to…” The words felt thick in her mouth. Why hadn’t she gone home? This man was right �" the door wasn’t completely closed. She could still sneak through before it was slammed shut. Why hadn’t she gone home? She sent her mind back over the past several days, looking at every chance she had had to turn around. Every time, she’d chosen to keep going. Why? She’d told her mother, “I don’t want to be worthless.” She’d told Ehmita, “I can only see one choice.” Why? She swallowed hard, and consciously tired to loosen her clenched fist. There had to be a reason, didn’t there?

Out of the corner of her eye, Ania saw the plain shift again. One moment it was perfectly calm, and the next the ground was churned into a bloody mass of trampled grass and mud. For some reason it reminded her of Elyys. Blood soldiers. She remembered the fear in his eyes when she had looked at him. I don’t want to be an object of fear. I want to be remembered as something else.

She looked up at the man. She could feel the eyes of Alliania and the woman stabbing into the back of her head, and she turned, once to either side, to include them in her gaze. “I have to help people. I can’t do that here.”

“That’s a lovely answer, but what good is it?”

Ania’s head snapped to the left to take in the condescending look of the female Knight. For the first time, a little ire crept into her voice. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You say you have to help people. Lots of people are capable of that. What makes you so special that you have to do it all yourself? Why can’t you leave it to the people who are already expected to do it?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Ania spat, “who else can do it. I know I’m not the only person in the world who can do this. I know there are thousands of others capable and willing to do so.” This was strange. It felt like all her blood had been replaced with fire. The sparks in the air no longer filled her lungs, but jumped off her skin. She felt something crackle around her. She felt like what her mother looked like when she was speaking on the village council. It was different, but it was right. “It doesn’t matter what path other people take. I have my path and I have to follow it.”

Ania had just started to feel like she had a firm footing again �" the female Knight’s condescending look was gone, and she had on a smile of lazy satisfaction �" when she heard her aunt’s voice from behind her.

“Then why are you hiding in the woods?”

Every ounce of fine was extinguished and Ania was left with a lump of lead in her stomach. “Aunt Alla… what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the way that you have been travelling. Yes, you’ve been moving forward. Yes, you haven’t left your path. But with every step you take, you become less and less the Ania that I knew. Why is this?”

“The Ania you knew was a lie.” Ania didn’t know where it had come from, but she felt a dagger stab into her stomach and twist as she realized that it was true. She sunk to her knees, and let her head fall forward until her chin smacked against her chest. “I was weak. I thought I was strong. I thought I was brave, but as soon as you died” �" her voice cracked �" “I realized that I wasn’t. I tried to be brave. I tried to be strong. But it was all fake. I pretended to be brave, but I was scared. I never told anybody, but I was always scared. I’ve failed.”

“What good does knowing that you’ve failed do if you’re still hiding in the woods? All that does is prove you right.”

“I know.” The words were so quiet, Ania wasn’t even sure if they had actually come out. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Fix what?”

“I’m lost. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how to do it. I can’t help people in a world where the only emotion is hate. I can’t…” She brought her hands up and grabbed her hair. She could feel the pressure on her head �" it was the only thing that felt real. “I don’t know how to live in a world that hates what I am.” Blood soldier. “I’m alone.”

“What did Cerena always tell you before you went to bed each night?”

The man’s voice was quiet. It felt more like the voice was originating inside her head rather than outside. She dropped her hands and stared at her palms as they laid limply on her knees. “She said I’d always have angels to watch over me.”

“Do you think Cerena would lie to you?”

The thought was so foreign that Ania lifted her head, ready to argue with whoever would suggest such a thing, but she stopped short when there was no one there to argue with. The man was gone, and somehow she knew the other two were as well. The white wolf still stood there, amber eyes boring into Ania’s skull. But what really caught her attention was the fact that the light had changed. She looked up at the sky, trying to figure out what was wrong, and was stunned. The storm clouds were gone, replaced by the clearest expanse of starlight she had ever seen. The image was sharp as broken glass, with thousands upon thousands of brilliant white holes in the solid black canvas. What really caught her off guard was the fact that she recognized the stars. They were the exact stars that had stood embossed on her bedroom ceiling for the last eleven years. The Wolf constellation, the Warrior, the Compass �" all of it was exactly the same, even down to the God Star above her head.

“Angels don’t have to be stars, my darling. They are everywhere.” Ania felt her aunt’s voice echo out of the night, melting its way into her head. “You have never been one who could be led down a path. I once, foolishly, believed myself to be your guide. You do not need a guide, other than your own heart. What you need is someone to stand beside you and walk your path with you.”

The wolf walked closer, and as the wolf lifted its head to the stars to howl, Ania could have sworn that the amber eyes flashed to the darker hue of the man’s.

“What you need is a companion.”

 

Author's Note

And thus begins Ania's very strange relationship with things that no one understands. This was an interesting one. I wrote a chunk of the dream sequence on a bunch of little note paper from a motel. XD It was fun.

Anyway, I would really appreciate feedback for this. Specifically, I want to know how engaging the story is. I have a lot of plans for this story, and I want it to fly. So, with this in mind:

►What did you like?
►What didn't you like?
►What was your favorite line?
►What do you want to see in the future chapters?