Khobos (working title) Chapter 1 Part 1

I think this is a set-up. A beginning to a chapter. I haven't yet decided where to go with this. You can share any and all ideas, thoughts and opinions that you have!

Nolka watched the blizzard through the window of his room. The window was located high up in the air, on the top floor of Snowpeaks' main tower. A haunted expression hung on the boy's face.

Nolka was glad for the warmth of the indoors. Despite that, he shivered as his eyes narrowed to seek out that particular piece of ground, the one he’d been looking at this entire time. He didn’t know why it fascinated him so, but kept staring as if charmed by the mysterious, dark form.

The figure had stood in the blizzard for a while now. It barely moved, only rarely stirring from its spot for no obvious reason. But each time the figure moved, as if to turn to face another direction, it stopped. It had been several minutes since the last attempt, now. Nolka could see every minute detail of the black form in the distance, his eyes enhanced by an intake of duramalm, and yet he could not detect movement. Nobody could stand that still, he knew, and yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a human.

The black figure standing in the white snow was man-shaped, its black velvety cloak never stirring in the wind. That was odd. It didn’t seem like the surroundings bothered it much, either. The boy’s sharp eyes could attest to that. When making contact with the glistening cloth of the stranger’s cloak, the snow just... vanished.

It wasn't human. Nolka could feel that in the bottom of his stomach, a creeping realization that slowly snuck up on him. What sort of man was able to just stand there as if nothing was happening? No sort of man, that's what. What sort of cloak made snow vanish? No cloak. Then what?

That "what" made Nolka shiver.

The creature pivoted and looked up. Straight into Nolka's room. Nolka yelped, taking a step back from the window, but unable to lift his gaze from the creature. Terrified, frozen in place, he stared at the creature in a shocked trance. Perhaps for the best, as he barely reacted to what happened next.

The creature leaped off the snowy ground, nightcloak fluttering in the swirling blizzard. Muscular, birdlike legs - shoved somehow into a pair of sturdy boots that ended at the elevated balls of its feet - crashed through Nolka's window, throwing bits of glass and wood in every direction. Before they could hit the ground, the winds rushed in through the shattered window. Somehow, none of the pieces struck him. Nolka took another step back, his ragged breath suddenly steaming in the air as he regarded the beast looming over him.

Birdlike legs, standing on scrunched floorboards, protruded out of a half-human, half-bird torso. Long, supple arms reached towards the boy, thin sharp claws coming out where the fingers should have been. The beast's bald, tattooed head looked down at him, merciless eyes burning like embers. Nolka screamed in horror as the hulking beast began to advance, its form leaking a wispy white mist.

He didn't stay to gawk. He threw open the door and fled into the hallway, screaming for help.

* * *

Author's Note

What I want feedback on: The content of the story, mostly: intriguing? Want to read more? Scary? Etc. and please, constructive criticism. I will also be glad to receive any grammar tips or advice on how to trim down the language (if that is necessary) to make it into a better reading experience.

Reviews

[Elizabeth Ridge]

Wow. I loved the imagery. I had a clear picture in my mind of the scene. I could feel all five senses and understand everything that was occurring. Your word-choice was amazing and gave the story a special spark. I feel you could make the figure disappearing a little more dramatic. To me it seemed as if Nolka didn't really care or was that interested. I didntbrealkybfjbd it too scary. Maybe dramatizing the disappearing will help. I think you could take our the first adverb. It just makes your story begin with a stuffy start. You can still understand your point without "luxuriously". Overall, I really enjoyed your suspenseful story and I hope you expand it into a novel.

[Mikael Malmberg]

Thank you! After reading the chapter again, I agree with your comments. I've edited the beginning bits of the chapter.