I don't even know what to call it

Though be sure to tell me suggestions in the comments. I'd pick an essay.

I was having one of my depression assaults again. It was crushing at first. It felt like having nothing to look forward to in life, even though I enjoyed doing some things.  They all just felt so pointless and petty. Thinking about love and friendship was the first thing that helped me - a bit. Then, proverbs.

"However s**t you may think your life is, the next man will surely think his is worse."

I don't think it's hard to imagine that something like this is going to help somebody like me. You're free to make my conclusions for me, but I'm a well-meaning person with wit and a varying sense of humour. Also with an obsession for correctness and with an absolutely blunt behaviour.

Moving on without guilt, evolving and learning from your mistakes. That's what you HAVE to do. I guess it's quite selfish of me to complain, really. That might be a cold truth. I wouldn't want to face it. But I do exactly that, day after day, and I try to keep a happy face and retain my happy thoughts. Maybe it's only my weariness kicking in?

Well, be it that or just straight-out depression, I won't succumb to it. I know myself. I do tend to fall into deep bouts of self-loathing, followed by waves of social anxiety, followed by a general lack of interest in things. A chain reaction; but it shouldn't affect me the way it is doing right now. I am thinking, there is no point in living. We'll all end up as specks of dust, disintegrated into tiny particles, some of which will end up as material for the next human being. And all that you did will be gone. What a cynic one has to be to become depressed because of this! Thankfully I am not quite a cynic yet. I retain optimism when I have the slightest will to.

I am sure things will get better, that's the optimist I know. Once I get more hobbies. That won't be too far ahead either. I think it could even be next week. I'm sure of it.

What helps is to realize that we're all in the same boat anyway. Our actions will never have an ultimate meaning to them, and the only thing we can do to stay alive is to do things we enjoy doing. I enjoy knowledge and friendly debate/discussion. Too bad I don't find too many guys or gals interested in this. I've got a couple of friends who like doing that, and I'll have more. I gather that I'm a generally likeable person, though sometimes too obsessed with some things. I tend to attempt to balance that out with humour, but my critical and blunt approach to matters is sure to scare off certain types of people anyway.

Sometimes I go on to become extremely cynical. Sometimes it just comes randomly when I'm talking. I'm a very blunt person, by the way. I could easily hurt people's feelings if I am not careful without ever intending to do it. Sometimes I might even have a bit of the bully in me. I'm talking about the gleeful spite. The cynical laughter. The sarcastic, ironic, sardonic comments that could bite deep. I am insecure, most likely. I care about that, a depressed person wouldn't. Some could feel disgust at me. I'm a person too insecure to face my own fears, after all, and therefore to be loathed. Or something similar. Perhaps pitied? Yeah, I guess pity is sort of the right response, though it'll always be condescending no matter what.

So why am I writing this anyway? It's a pressure release button for me. It has imbued my feelings into philosophy and description. I'm feeling a lot better anyway. The thing is, insecure people aren't insecure all the time and vice versa. That's because people are insecure due to certain variables, and sometimes these variables might be something as simple as stress. Take stress out of the equation and you could suddenly be feeling very secure. It'd be counterproductive to generalize how the human brain works in any case. This is the very thing I find to be wrong with self-help books and encouragement books. They don't actually encourage you: they just make you go through endless pages of condescending words, and rarely does actual advice ever even get a mention. But I am ranting and raving. Do forgive.

Scrap that, I don't want to be forgiven. I meant every word of it. And I enjoyed writing it down. I am enjoying myself right now infinitely more than I did a few moments ago, when I began this little-- what is it? A blog, a journal? I'm not sure. Maybe you could figure it out. Did I mention that I'm a very trusting person? I'll trust it from you. Just give it to me. Is it an autobiography? A poem? A limerick? I've been wanting to create those, the last ones. Remind me one day. Good night.

Author's Note

It was written to relieve me of some bad feelings. Therefore it might be a very ugly text in its entirety, or perhaps lacking cohesion. It is, a bit. But I still want feedback! Write what you want. I'll converse.

Lots of descriptions about me and pondering. Maybe you'll find it boring or annoying, maybe interesting.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

It's good to address depression in its many forms. So many are living quiet lives of despair. It feels good to know we're not going thru it alone. In this piece, it seems like the narrator isn't entirely convinced this is depression . . . but it's like the old alcoholic adage: If you have to ask . . .

Most of all, you've managed to illustrate many ways that a bleak mood can manifest. You've shown us this with clarity & self-compassion, which is something many who feel down cannot manage. It's usually much more intensely self-hating, so you are giving us an example of how to love oneself even when we are far from being at our best. Thanks for sharing this important message.

[Samuel Dickens]

Sometimes a rug needs to be hung outside and "aired out", and so what you've done here seems akin to that. In several ways, I believe we are alike--opinionated, bluntness, sometimes offending. Old age is mellowing me, thank God. This piece seems like a normal thing for a creative writer to do.

[Mikael Malmberg]

Now that I look back on it, this digital air ventilation unit of a text is pretty well written. Good job, me from so-and-so many years ago. I've learned to... mellow out, as you said, mellow out my words and my demeanor. But it has given rise to an insatiable desire for strife, debate and discussion in me. Paradoxically I still try not to ruin my relations with others. For the better probably. Thanks for reading this. As always I appreciate it.

[Coyote Poetry]

It is good to write down your thoughts. Good and bad. Sometime we write for people and sometime we write to release. I hope all is okay with you. Many kind of people in this world. Each of us with different wit and attitudes. No perfect people. Just us trying to survive. I don't believe in self help books. We need to separate ourselves from the situation. A park, river, lake or private place. Gather our thoughts and find something we enjoy. I have completely changed my life four times. Even joined a war to escape a depression and boring life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Have fun and be safe.
Coyote