Invade

this is to my ex fiance. he invaded my life took over took control and finally threw me away like i was nothing..

invade my world...
so dark around...
walking threw this empty town.

invade my space ,
so pourly found,
waiting now, as i drown!

how bright is it?
then or now?
time had passed,
but wait i shall.....

now so scared,
alone and cold,
but here i wait.
strong and bold.

invade my life
with every ease
your heart so cold
you just might freeze

intrude on me,
so carelessly
stab my back
and watch me bleed

abuse your will
my heart still sealed
intruding on the blooded quill

chasting shadows
far away
go back and until
when night turns day

so, intrude my heart
beat down the doors
watch my blood
fall to the fall

ill invade your soul
here or so
but as for now
ill let you go..

Reviews

[kakie]

This is a very deep poem that flows well. In the line 3o, I think you mean "the night" not "when night". Overall I think it is a very emotional poem that is well written with a few errors like spelling.

[Chris T.]

I'm not going to beat around the bush: the bright green font color has to go. Your words are heavy and deep, and the bright green contradicts and undermines them. Let the words carry themselves.

Third line: "through", not "threw"
Fifth line: "poorly", not "pourly"
Chasting shadows? Do you mean "chasing"?
The line "intruding on the blooded quill", I think "bloodied" is the word you want.

"Watch my blood/fall to the fall"? Did you mean fall to the floor, or something similar?

With all of the positive criticism out of the way, I can say that it certainly built the tone of the piece out of the gate and never backed down until the end. That was done excellently. Good job.