Disconnected

Your arms around me
Your caress surrounds me

Your whispers of "I love you" in my ear
But it's just another dream I fear

Your lonely fingers dial my heart
Your lonely eyes make me fall apart

I know what's going on
I know I'm just a pawn..

You only call me when you're alone.
Otherwise, you always leave me with a dial tone..

Reviews

[emipoemi]

Holy kwap, this is profound, and consists of a bunch of juicy lines, and a killer ending. If you'll let me, I would like to suggest that the line read "It's all just another dream, I fear" (it would thus have more power, and connect well with the previous three lines). This is short and powerful, and really drives it all home to the heart. Well freaking done!

(can't believe no one else has read/commented on this yet)

[Emily Jellybean :)]

Well! I’m certainly glad you like my writing and I want to thank you for the helpful suggestions. I’ll keep the suggestions in mind for future pieces. I try not to edit my old ones because I feel it takes away from the original feelings that inspired the writing in the first place. :)

[emipoemi]

If you want to take that route, I won't be one to speak out against it, however, my suggestions are made to amp up the power of the message.....not necessarily alter the original feelings. It's commonly said around poets of poetry that "a poet's work is never done" (implying there would always be something to change in the end). And I would advise that you consider making the change(s) upon deciding to take these poems to print. For once they're in print, there's essentially no going back. And especially in an age where rhyme has become obsolete, you would want to amp up the quality of the poem as much as possible. But of course, what's most important is that you do you. I'm just spitballing possibilities. You have the final say in the end.

[Emily Jellybean :)]

I have no interest in selling or printing my poetry. I post it for free to share the message and feelings :) the only writings that are printed are always printed by non-profit organizations, and they’re the longer more in-depth poems. I do appreciate your suggestions. If I ever decide to print the not-so-perfect poems, I will most definitely review and edit them with your suggestions in mind.

[emipoemi]

Like I said: you do you. That's what matters most.