the Nightmares that Follow

I have so many words that just want to jump from my lips tonight. I even wrote some down. I doubt they will ever make it to this page safely, if they even make it at all. I could care less for what people think of me at this moment. I think worse of myself than I ever have. I feel I am the most vile person ever. Maybe I'm not, but that is the way I feel. I have done a lot of things. A lot of them I will never regret. This one I will regret. I think it's cost me a whole lot. More than her love, more than the thoughts of people, more than the respect of friends. It's cost me my view on the world. Nothing is ever what you want it to be. Nothing. I made sure people knew what I did, why? Everyone thinks I put myself on this pedistal and sit in this throne above all others judging them with righteous conviction. This one example should prove otherwise. I never judge others and yet seemlessly they judge me with thier looks, thier words, thier emotions. Wonderful. I did something stupid, I completely admit to it and in all honesty if I didn't want others to know, they never would have found out. So be glad I was honest. Be glad I was more honest about this than anything else. I've wanted to cry every night for the past 2 weeks, why? Because of how I have felt inside. I have a lot of things I just would love to say, I never will. Not that I won't get the chance, I get it everyday, I refuse to do it. On bended knee I would profess everything to her. On pain of death I would confess everything to them. On promise of love I would refuse to be me ever again. I would give it all to take back what I have done, but it confuses me that people can look at me so different being so like me. I've done no different than others. I've done nothing noone else hasn't. Mine was a mistake to make. I have done so, I will never place myself in that situation again. Depression is a hard thing to come by. Or maybe just something to hard to deal with. That is why I never did the cause of my mistake before. If you can't think, you can't react. You just go with the flow. You just follow like every other lemming. Walking over that edge. It won't happen again. I promise to all the heavens above it will never come to a fruitition again. My heart has been broken, my wrists bleed with thier emotion. I have so much to give and noone to give it to. I've said my piece. I said my words. You may judge me how you see fit, I will take it in stride. I will take your whips, your swords, your spears. My sins are my own. They are not yours to have. I live with my descions. I live with my regrets. I live with my love in my heart and one day it will be given to one that is willing to take it. I have so my pain in my heart at this point your ridicule is nothing. You can give me no more hurt than what resides in my heart. I willingly wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have, I always will.  I do nothing but want for this life to be like any other. Normal, yet anything I do seems outside and alien. I seem to fall when I should be climbing, I seem to stumble when I walk. I give to much and take to little. I wish I could go back to when I was a child, everything was so much simpler. I could run and play, the sun wasn't so tainted, the sky never so grey. My love, my heart and my soul goes out to you. I wish I just had more to give.