Mistakes

So I feel like one big mistake. I feel like the mistake thats been made can't be fixed, and it's just going to get worse. I feel like it's drawing me in like a whirlpool and this ones gonna break me. I don't know why. Why should it, I made the mistake. Not anyone else. Just me. I feel like I'm breaking inside. Just falling apart like some huge puzzle. Not knowing where to go, not knowing where I should be. Not even knowing how to put myself back together. I might just disappear this time. I just don't want to be seen anymore. That how it always seems to happen. I'm looked at. Then it grows. I break all the expectations and break all the hopes and dreams. And then....another mistake. Amazing how simple I can see that now. Yet when it happens? Why can't I See it then? Why does it carry on like some cloud. I just feel like it shouldn't be this way. I feel like some lost puppy. With all these ways home and all I want to do is just turn around. Maybe I should. Just turn around. Maybe going backwards would help. I doubt it. Doesn't ever seem to help. I'm bound for this I think. Music doesn't help me like it used to. Just makes things worse. Songs come in my head, remind me of all my past. Just another piece knocked off my shoulder, my leg, my hip, my mouth. I'm falling, I can't catch anything. No hand holds nothing. Just empty space I can't seem to fill anymore. Same things come and go. Yet, somehow I want them back. Maybe I want to much, maybe that's it. Maybe the fact that I want to be happy and I try and pursue it, that it's why I am left to the dust. I don't know. I'm scared. I'm helpless. I'm lost. I can't seem to go any other direction. I feel like I should hide. Maybe run away. Maybe just disappear and not come back this way. Leave this town and all it's ghosts. Funny word, ghosts. I used to think it ment manifestations of the dead. I've learned it's much more than just the dead. The past has it's own ghosts. Future will to. I just can't seem to bury mine. They will always find me. Always. And it's always the same ones too. Love. Hate. Anger. Helplessness. Lost. Fear. If they would all go away. I might find happiness again. But that's never going to happen is it? Never. We all know this. Every single one of you reading this now knows exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to put on my pretty face. Shine away like the sun. But not once has that ever been true. Nor will it ever. I'm admitting this now. I'm going to hide from everyone. Because it's just going to be easier. Yeah, I know, preach away. I'm just not going to listen this time. I'm going to hide myself away in my little hole, where it's dark and damp. I don't care about being fake anymore. It's all I feel I got anymore. Fake happiness. Wonderful thing. Just wish I could buy it at Wal-mart. Would make my life so much easier. Would make it less challenging. I'm tired of being challenged. I want easy. I want simple. I don't want to try. I just want things to be the way that can be, horrible or not. I'll deal with it. I'll just hide myself away in my little cave and play with my demons