A Dream on December 25, 2016

Why do we dream? Is it to remember our sorrows of the past? To relive our regrets and tear at our past selves? To set out and search for those memories, those people that reappeared in our dreams? To be given a second chance?

Dec. 25, 2016.  - I had a dream last night. And it’s surprising that I remember this dream, because I usually never remember them when I wake up. They always slip away from my grasp when I suddenly become conscious, only leaving me with remorseful hunger and a dazed coldness over my lost thoughts and creations. But I remember the dream I had last night.

I dreamed about being with him. I met him during freshman year of high school, and he was like no other. He confided in me about his darkest secrets, and I didn’t turn away. But… I was a coward all throughout to the very end. If I had really loved him enough, I wouldn’t have let him go; I would have stayed alongside him. He was the only person whom I have really loved. And I let him go because I was -- I am-- a coward.

It was a dreamy feeling. The resolution of the scene was heightened, the way they make it in movies when they’re flashing back to warm and old memories of the past. I felt a slight rush of adrenaline, because even in the dream I knew I wasn’t supposed to be with him.

He was wearing a light green sweater and blue jeans; he looked good. He was smiling at me and holding out his hand. I took it, and it felt warm and sturdy and soft, and enclosed mine. There was vivid green grass, rolling hills and white clouds, and a red pick-up truck in the background. He leaned on a wooden and light gold tinted fence, with an air of calm contentedness around him, enjoying the warm and airy weather, glancing at me with a soft gaze in his eyes.

I felt the warmth and softness of his sweater when I stepped closer to hug him. He smelled good, like the airy sense of freshness in a warm and gentle breeze. I felt so calm yet so happy at the same time; my mind was at ease while my heart felt like it was about to burst with breathless ringing happiness. Even though I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that we weren’t meant to be together, I also knew this was just a dream, and so I could be happy with him, and no one could tell me what to do.

He held onto me, so I never left, in that dream. We stayed there together, enveloped in the arms of one another. So even when I thought about what would happen next with dark thoughts and a heavy, solemn soul, he pulled me closer to him. Without saying a word, I knew he wouldn’t let go, and we wouldn’t ever have to go our separate ways.