My Illness Is

Thoughts on PTSD and depression/anxiety.

My illness is

You'll always be alone
in the middle
Of the night
Staring at a small bright screen in my over priced apartment
The train roaring by every
Half hour

My illness is an angry family member
Just Cheer up
So many people have it worse

My illness is
Shaking hands
The nail lady says my hands are dancing
She says I need to take care of my body
Exercise

My illness is 6am standing up straight
so I can see
My bones
Running my fingertips over my rib cage
Pressing my fingers in between the gaps
Looking at old photos
My heart racing when I can't see the indentation of bones underneath thin skin when I move
This way or that

My

My illness is believing everything and simultaneously NOTHING a man will ever tell me

it's a constant replay of smiles and warm embraces
'Don't get jealous'
'You're so pretty' I
'I'm not ready for a relationship'
'I need to be alone right now'
'I think I need to focus on myself'

It's
the times I chose to believe lies whispered ever so sweetly in the blue black night of his bedroom
As I
Pretended I was falling asleep
And he
Told me I was so beautiful

Only to leave me miles away on the other side of his queen sized mattress
Staring at a framed picture of his sister and he

And he
Winked at his roommate as I walked out the door
A 5 dollar bill crumpled in my hand for the bridge toll

And it's
The beautiful jaded man who said he never hit her
It was self defense but he
Hit me in his sleep when I
Ever so gently
Touched his cheek

And
it's
My mother patting my thighs
like the way people pat the sides of a horse and telling me
Now we need to lose these

And I cried in the dressing room

And I was 16.

It's the way I run to put on sweatpants
When they
Step away to the bathroom

It's the way I won't let them see my body in the light

It's 10 years old
You fat b***h
You think it's cool to be depressed

This is an act

You think it's cool

I don't remember if he hit me

I don't know if you'll ever have kids.

Don't take those pills.

You just need a new job.

Dad he scares me.

Dad he yells so loud.

Dad I want to live with you.


Scraping together change to use the pay phone and

His screams bounced off the 3 story high school and splashed in angry red stripes across every kid waiting at the bus stop and

We were so ashamed.

My illness is

I am too much.
I am never enough.

There's something wrong with me
That's why they leave

It's the dimples in my thighs
The
Iridescent stretch marks from
Years of childhood starvation
Only to
Shove any food I could get into my mouth at breakneck speeds until my stomach stretched

You
Have a pretty face, but




My illness is

Author's Note

It's broken up grammatically incorrect on purpose. I wanted to try and convey a tone/voice. Thinking about using this at a slam

Reviews

[Keli C]

Oh, this is so good. Gave me shivers to read. I feel so sad and hope this is not real. You really did convey a voice, spoken nervously with a confidence making a bold statement. Hits me at home. Thank you for writing this.

[Ifreakinloveyou]

Really really an emotionally powerful peace. It's sad and intense, but it's beautiful in it's own way. Thanks so much for sharing.

[Gabriel]

Amazing piece of poetry, and straight from the soul. It was as if I could feel your heart beating fiercely with each line. Thanks for the post.

[Valentine]

Thank you SO much! There's so much vulnerability posting things like this. Your support means a lot

[DeerInHeadlights]

damn. this is so good. you kept my attention, and that is really hard to do. I felt every word of this hitting me straight in the heart. I think that this is the most real thing that I have yet to read. bravo.

[Valentine]

Thank you so much!!! This is very personal for me so I am glad you liked it! Phew! lol

[DeerInHeadlights]

personal is the best.. you can tell when someone is writing from the soul.. its a scary thing to do.. but it is so worth it..

[Candace]

I love it!! I definitely think you should perform this one. It's very powerful and tells a sad story but it really has a lot of emotion and I'm glad you can share this.

[Valentine]

Thanks! Lol I would probably cryyyyy