The Voice [working title]

Just putting on a few lines to see how this idea will grow in my mind..valentine

            The Voice

 

   The hospital room was dark and cold; the only lights glowing were the ones flashing on the monitors in the Intensive Care Unit.  Now and then a beeping sounded and numbers flashed across a screen and then went out.  Lying in the pristine clean stark room a single hospital bed sat, on the bed was the broken and battered body of a young woman. A intravenous needle taped to her arm, a tube running to a bag for her to urinate and a feeding tube offering her nourishment near her waist.

   The times a doctor or a nurse walked into the room their voices would echo off of the barren walls as they spoke loudly to her. Hearing is the last thing to go they said and they wanted this "Jane Doe" to hear them if she were able to.  Each time an attendant entered, the sheet on her feet was lifted and her bare feet tapped over and over as they spoke loudly to her. Waiting for an eye twitch, any kind of movement that would let them know they were reaching her mind.

   Each evening a handsome young man would enter the room for the allotted ten minutes allowed on the Intensive care floor every hour.  Most days he was sporting a cowboy hat and dusty range clothes.  He would sit touching her hand, speaking in a soothing calm voice as he spoke to her of his day at the ranch or his part time hours he spent in town getting a securities internet business started.

   His warm voice could be heard the full ten minutes that he sat beside of her each hour he was there.  When he went back to the waiting room he would grab a cup of coffee and a something to munch on from one of the vending machines there.  He then sat down, and opened a briefcase and wrote down the next days work for his foreman and ranch hands.  At other times, using a laptop computer he would issue the next days agenda for the department heads at his small computer business.

  At the top of the hour, in he would walk again. Back into the cold stark room and look down at the battered body of the young woman on the hospital bed.  His voice relating tales of ranch life, like the day when riding fence lines he encountered a bear.  What ever came into his head he spoke aloud to her.

   Jane Doe lay broken and battered. Her head fractured in numerous places, her face beaten beyond recognition.  Not conscious of the days passing or of her mother's heart breaking in another state wondering what had happened to her missing child.  This Jane Doe slept on and on.  As Brody spoke of ranch life, bears, steers, mountain ranges evening after evening, he prayed this young girl would live.

   One night as he droned on "Jane" became aware enough that she heard a voice far off in the distance.  A warm compelling voice, then all would turn to black and be silent again.  As time went on more and more words would be heard before midnight's black enclosed her in its forbidding arms.  During the early hours of the black day she would become more aware and would attempt to hear "the voice."  Where was "the voice" ? She wanted to hear "the voice".  But it was not there.

   Days were passing and hospital routine continued, Brody not knowing the girl,  still came and went. Talking to her but not knowing his voice was becoming the only thing that she was sometimes aware of in the long agonizing vigil.

   Brody often sat in the waiting room, wondering who had put this young woman's battered body into the sleeper of his brother Dan's 18 wheeler semi?  Which stop, what state? Just when was she tossed into a truck and buried under piles of soiled clothes in the sleeper? How many days and how many miles could she have possibly been in there? What about her family? Were they searching for her?  Most of all, who would have beaten and battered someone and then toss them out like yesterdays garbage to die? Or did they think she was all ready dead?

Reviews

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Valentine,
I am so proud of you! My goodness, you are revealing your imaginative heart and soul. This story really touches the need for meaning and affirmation to the broken body and mind in a vague place like deep unconsciousness.
I am pulled into the hospital room, seeing Brody, (see, I am talking of him as a real person,) faithfully giving of his time and heart for what is right. Descriptions within "The voice" are lovely and real. You go Miss Valentine................I mean it! Bye for now...........kathy

[Valentine]

Kathy, this was part of a complete novel that somehow was lost when I moved north when my husband died. I am not a typist so it was all in long hand. Part of what I asked to be moved here went to charity shops by mistake. Kathie

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Kathie,
Your situation sounds kind of complicated and difficult. I am sorry for your loss and for the problems involved in this situation described. You have a wonderful creative mind which is lovely and kind. The thing is; I know there is more stores, poems and other wonderful treasures within you Miss Valentine.......Still praying...kathy

[tanmay7551]

Fascinating, touching and mysteries ahead...

Story went through different phases and built from emotions to a cry and questions out there moves you from the core.

[Greg the Bard]

From the day I meet you I knew you were a great writer. This story has between the lines meaning that leaves me thinking of many different direction. It is easy to read but often hard to reason out. That adds to the charm of the writing. Great work.

[Rain]

Wow,
You can write a fascinating story to. You are left wondering. Many questions. Rain..

[Joseph - Michael]

Everybody have their ways of thinking and wondering things like that. Yet, they always ended up being wrong over and over. My kind of story LOL

On the other hand, it's all good here...

[Cdnsurfer]

Hey Valentine. Thanks for the read request. This was fun. I think this would be a wonderful first chapter to a longer piece, or opening scene to a longer short story.

POV: 3rd person omniscient.
CHARACTER: When you slip into scene, observing the girl, give us more concrete physical descriptions of her, or some personality hooks, such as a get well card on the table, a book someone had been reading to her, a vase with flowers, etc. What we want is personality cues. Who is he? While she cannot know, you are in 3rd person omniscient, so you can let us know who he is. Physical markers. His name, Brody, comes very late in the scene. Open his segment with his name and who he is. We have a problem with the Jane Doe, since she has a visitor who obviously knows her, so her identity would've been revealed. In any case, Jane Doe doesn't work, since there's a relationship here that needs to be explored. This is resolved late, that he doesn't know her (so place the motive for his behaviour early, not at the end). This will help us understand what he's trying to figure out.
SETTING: Not much, it all takes place in the ICU. Not necessary to add more.
PLOT: Motive. Remember plot is motive. You've shown us the scene, now layer in the motive. What are we suppose to feel about this, who these people are. Since we can't get much directly from "her", the character markers indicating who she is are really, really important. These will give us enough character to drive why and what happened, or if not, then how this impacts on someone, anyone. For him it's easier since he can "actively" show how this impacts on him. But "motive" is important. What is hoped for (not abstractly like hope she gets better). Always remember to lay out the who, what, where, when at the earliest possible opportunity, to put the reader at ease with the situation and the story. It allows the reader to slip into the story like a warm bath, rather than tossing them into a cold river.
This often happens and is easy to fix: often people forget the proper order of events in stories is motive LED and then the event, but at the end you raise huge questions. That is the same as we have an event, then explanation. It just requires reversing that. The questions should've been raised when Brody is first introduced, so we understand what he's trying to understand, as he's experiencing it. Otherwise, you chop off motive from the events.
THEME: Self-discovery, identity. Lots can be explored here.
STRUCTURE: I think "ICU" works better than spelling it out. Cut back on adjectives such as "pristine clean stark" room and choose only one. The reason? It hurts the flow. Once you get into, it flows much better. Watch that clunky opening paragraph.

Good luck with it. Rob

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

Great story, would like to hear more.

Great Write
Rayne

[Debra Stevens Edwards (..]

This is very intriguing and I do hope you will be adding more. I would love to find out all the in's and outs of
the Same questions He seems to be asking himself as well as many others. Great write so far. Love and Hugs
Debby

[None]

The mysterious Jane Doe: you have my curiosity and you really lay the ground work fantastically for this sad but interesting character. A great way to weave in the reason for Brody to be there! Excellent story! You have a wonderful way of writing and I hope to see more chapters coming about!

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

I am thinking I would love to hear more of this story...although it is ominous there is hope that she hears his voice and I want her to awake. The fact that he keeps vigil over her is lovely and warming though the circumstances that brought her to her state are so sad and melancholic. A nice contrast. Thank you.
Light,
Siddartha