Chp 1: Heyden

Orders came straight from the back office this time: Code red. Another Burner. The third this year, that he knew of. Jangus slid the requisition across the table, frowning at his partner. 

   "No. Not another one? Again? Ahhhhh… Chortshit. F****n burners." Heyden fingered the corner as he eyed the pink sheet of thin paper, leaning back in his chair. "You read it already?"

   Jangus nodded towards the sheet, still frowning. "You gonna this time?" He asked in his gruff foreign brogue. "They're fooking people, you know. This ain't a ting we should take so fookin lightly."

   "People?!" Heyden laughed, raising his eyebrows.

   "Yeh. You know. People. Like we used to be. Families, pets, shopping, clogged fookin pipes… fookin people." Jangus was in his usual pleasant mood.

   "Okay! okay! Fine! They're people. Have it your way. Your wrong way." Heyden enjoyed antagonizing his partner. The more frustrated he was, the thicker his accent became.

   "Fook you an' your fookin mudda. I'll fook both your corpses when you're dead and gone." It was clear that Jangus wasn't buying into it today, offering his usual dismissive reply. 

   Heyden's near-permanent smirk fell as he leaned forward in his seat. "What is it, Jay? I've never heard you talk like this before. This… people nonsense. It's just another Burner. What's different about it this time?"

   "Nuttin'. Fookin' nuttin'. It's just anudder fookin Burner, right?" Jangus lit a cigarette, and took a pull, evaluating his partner with a scrutinizing eye. "Fook it. Let's go."

   "Yes, let's." Heyden agreed in a patronizing tone, and they both rose to gather their equipment from their twinned lockers.

   Heyden rifled through his arsenal of sedatives and poisons, turning his head only slightly to question: "Capture or Kill?"

   Jangus slammed his locker shut and whirled around in frustration, exiting the room in a dark storm.

   Heyden's smirk crept up the left side of his cheek. "Good."

Reviews

[JayG]

You need to look at the work as the reader, who has no knowledge of your intent, or anything but what the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background, not yours.

• Orders came straight from the back office this time:

1. Orders? That could mean someone is buying or requesting something. Could mean instructions to go somewhere, or do something, depending in the situation, the profession, and the location. So making the reader know the situation before you talk about it might be a good idea, right?

2. The “back office?” What in the hell is a back office, other than one that’s behind the front office? You know. The people in the story know. But you wrote this for the reader. Shouldn’t it make sense to them as they read? Wouldn’t a little context be a nice thing to provide?

3. “This time?” There was a last time?

You know where we are, who we are, and what’s going on. You know the backstory and the protagonist’s mood. The reader has meaningless words unless you provide context. And since there is no second first-impression, and you can’t retroactively remove confusion…

• Code red.

So…the unknown orders are important for unknown reasons.

• Another Burner.

Hmm…a burner, which is slang for a disposable phone. So…

You’re making the mistake of thinking that the reader will take in the entire section, then deduce what you’re talking about. They won’t. In writing, context isn’t just important, it’s everything. And the techniques of fiction are nothing like those our teachers gave us. Yes, the skill is called writing, but in reality, the full term is “nonfiction writing.” Fiction’s skills, like those of any other profession, are acquired in addition to the general skills we’re given in our school-days.

I know you’re proud that you’re “not a writer.” But if you were hungry, would you go to someone who’s “not a cook?” There’s an unspoken contract between reader and writer. They give of their time, and we give them something worth that time.

[Dripping Chocolate Madness]

Yeah, I do appreciate what you're saying, but that's not what this was written for.
It's just DnD character background stuff that never really ended up getting used.
The holes were left on purpose for the DM to be able to fit the characters into the world more easily.
I've been thinking about going back and fleshing it out more, it helps to be able to see them all together like this, for me.

[Papaya]

Nice job on the dialogue. Leaves me guessing at what's happening, the back story. And what comes next. But I guess that comes out later. Are the characters original or based on an existing rpg?

[Dripping Chocolate Madness]

No, it was for a nerd campaign with some nerds that we never really got into because... Well...
read moreNo, it was for a nerd campaign with some nerds that we never really got into because... Well...
Nerds.
Lol just wait till you meet Marza...
I think you'd like Marza.

[Dripping Chocolate Madness]

Stupid buggy website...

Anyway... Yeah. Wait till you meet Marza.
I think you'd like Marza :)

[Papaya]

Ha, cool. I always wanted to play D&D when I was in high school but I thought I was way too cool back then.
I have several (video game) rpg inspired writes, though you'd probably never guess. I'll come back to read more.

[Dripping Chocolate Madness]

lol same exact thing, with me.
It took me until having a teenager of my own to play my first game. Now I'm the Old Man in the group.

[Papaya]

That's awesome. I have a teenager too. :)
And we game together too.

[Dripping Chocolate Madness]

oh you misunderstood...
HE'S too cool for it, now.
lolol
it just took me that long to stop thinking I was cool.
No, we do play other games together, though. He's just not into pen + paper.

[Papaya]

Whatever, I just think think it's great when parents connect with their kids.

[Dripping Chocolate Madness]

:)
yeah. theres a lot in this world that would be solved by better parenting.