Waiting

trying something new, a little weird and a little offbeat

The engineer sat at his drawing board, bewildered, the Spice Girls blasting happily on the radio. He couldn't quite figure out what the flaw was in his design for the torture chamber that sat six cold feet below where he was currently contemplating. 

His last capture made the fastest escape ever recorded. With fluent movements she slithered out of her shackles in under six seconds and bounded up and out of the hole, into the night. Maybe she was some kinda freak. Nobody has ever eluded him before. It won’t ever happen again. 

A strange yet familiar sensation crawled through his appendages. What a pretty girl, perfect alabaster skin, silky brown hair, sparkling blue eyes. A reminder of the types of girls he could never have. He wasn’t hot enough, funny enough, and certainly not part of the popular crowd. He wasn’t even human. He was smart enough, yes, but that doesn’t get you very far these days. 

Or does it. 

A few clicks of his mouse brought him to an online forum for missing girls. He stared lovingly at their pictures. The pleas from worried parents had always got him excited and gave him motivation to work harder and faster, needing to prove his masculinity the only way he knew how. 

He took a sip of the opaque black liquid, thick as tar, sitting next to him in a dainty little shot glass. It tasted worse than it looked and coming back up made it ten times more horrific. But it gave him the strength he needed to hunt down his prey. 

He snapped a picture of her before closing his laptop. It’s not like the vivid image in his own mind wasn’t enough, but when he sees red, all other functions cease. He knew her scent by heart, the car she drove, her schedule, she was always very punctual getting to wherever she needed to be, which made it harder for him to get her alone. 

Tonight, the third Thursday of the month, she would be at choir practice, singing to and praising God, as if there really is one. Funny how so many people believe in something they don’t even know exists. He’ll gladly show her who God really is. 

He peered up onto the altar where his prize stood, easy enough to spot and easy enough to get to, on the right side in the back row, probably a soprano. As they all sang in perfect keys of love and admiration, he slipped down to the basement in search of the electrical box. He found it and flipped the switch, killing the light, killing their power. Darkness has always been his ally. 

The group was in the middle of the last song of the set, “Here I Am to Worship,” and worship him, she will. He knew the list of songs like the back of his hand, its heavenly words and melody always beckoned him upstairs. But now was not the time to admire what normally calmed him. He grasped onto her long mane and pulled her in close, dragging her down slowly to the chamber below. She was able to let out a scream, but just for a brief moment. 

Into her open orifice his tentacle slithered. Finally. It's been a long painful time since he’s been able to plant his seed into something so precious and rare. Evil needs a dark, warm, wet place to spawn. The best being that of a virgin; pure, unspoiled, vestal. He knew it would have to be her. Carefully he released his poison, slowly and steadily until sleep overcame both of them. It was all he needed. 

Author's Note

no harsh criticism please, it's my first stab at horror. I do appreciate honesty, however, I'm looking for inspiration and positive suggestions that help make me a better writer. there is enough harsh in the world lately. Thanks!

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your storytelling is top-notch, but what got me hooked is your blast of original ideas, starting with an engineer at a drafting table (isn't everything done on computer now? this seems retro to me, so we assume this must be a creepy old guy). This is the way to pick details which also tell a lot about your character(s) without having to tell a bunch of story to get all that across.

Drinking thick black liquid is a strong ploy to bring on a queasy wicked sensation . . . another way to choose details which paint the scene as being creepy, without actually being too creepy. Nice way to straddle the line between a "normal" storyline & having the "horror factor" simmering in the background.

Your story could be improved by using dialogue, but many beginning storytellers shy away from dialogue. It's hard to make it authentic-sounding, but once you start using it, you'll get hooked on it. Dialogue helps us SEE how a character is, how he/she speaks, what the person's mannerisms tell us about him/her -- in short, dialogue is SHOW instead of tell. We get to see how your characters are, without the writer telling us (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[VJWild]

Margie are you reading my mind? I'm actually working on learning how to write better dialogue as we speak! That's my focus for the week, and maybe the month. I've been on Reedsy trying to pick up as much as I can about it. Thank you more than I can even say. You (and others) have brought to my attention tid bits that I didn't even realize I had the knack for! Really, thank you thank you!!

[barleygirl]

I love a goal-oriented person. You really don't see that among developing writers that much!

[Cherrie Palmer]

You did a good job letting the story have a slow build snd then a mysterious ending with only questions

[VJWild]

Ok thanks! Nice! I guess I did. I’ll add that to my list of things to remember to do because I didn’t even realize I did it! :)

[Cherrie Palmer]

I'll tell you there are different kinds of scary stories and what I do is decide the tempo of the story and go from there. I think of them as a verbal tale told by a campfire. Sometimes I let the story fire out of a cannon, were the chase is on and other times I layer tidbits out to slow build. Either way is fun to write.

[VJWild]

Ooooo I like that! I haven’t read many articles or posts about tempo in this genre. Awesome awesome advice! I’ll play around with that. I have to start taking notes from you all... THANK YOU!!

[Cherrie Palmer]

Every story is a little different. I never outline, I pick the mood, the pace the opening line and character; then let it unfold.

[VJWild]

Ok cool. So far it seems that’s what I’ve been doing, but unintentionally. Now I can try to think about that (while not thinking about that lol) and see where it takes me. Nice!

[Chris]

So nicely "dark" with nary a revulsion to intrude in one's thoughts.

[Vicki T.]

VJ,

I have to say, an excellent first attempt at horror. I truly enjoyed some of the imagery you supplied. The juxtaposition of the Spice Girls to the "monster" that stalks, tortures, and kills. The imagery of actually feeling the tentacle slithering is chilling.

Bravo for putting your writing out for all of us in the cafe to enjoy. Your bravery is admirable. It's what finally gets a writer an audience. It's a huge step. Putting your writing out to other readers is an act of courage. You trust that others won't turn away in disgust and tell you to put away your laptop and pursue a career in ANYTHING but writing. You hope they'll like it.

I'm certainly not a writing critic and I won't tell anyone how to write. Imagine some literary critic telling Stephen King that his writing was too cumbersome and he provided too many (or not enough) information to the reader. No one can tell you how to write. That skill, or talent, or drive, or whatever it is, comes from within the writer. The reader needs to recognize it.

On a more personal note, your profile actually caught my attention with some relatable information. The name on my birth certificate is Vicki Jo. So I noticed your initials. I also noticed your last name "Wild". My sister married a man from Australia with that last name. So two common denominators for me to relate to you. And third, you're from PA and so am I. We don't know each other, yet we already found a connection.

Writing is like standing naked in a crowd. You are frightened and vulnerable at first. Some people will point out "obvious flaws" and try to get you to correct them to meet their standard of beauty. A few will barely look your way. What you need is to find the audience that sees you where you are and admires the beauty that already exists and is bared to the world. I believe that every writer will have an audience somewhere.

Please keep writing! This is the only one of your works that I've read, and it prompted this long review. I usually don't do this. Based on the other reviews, others liked it, too. So baring your soul on this site brought your writing to the people who admire your courage and your writing.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing.

[VJWild]

Wow, Vicki, thank you so much! This genre is something I’d never ever thought to even attempt but I dabbled with it all summer and that’s exactly what I did. Put myself out there to test the waters. And yes it is extremely scary, a horror in and of itself, and it was just time.

Thank you for sharing your personal note with me. My real name is Jessica. My middle name starts with a J and I chose V because I always wanted to be named Vanessa. Weird, I know. Wild is short for wildflower so I just smooshed it all together and kept it.

That’s is so great you are from PA!! Seriously. Reading this review made my day, my year actually, because I’ve been eating, breathing, and sleeping the craft of writing (books, podcasts, mini classes) for the last year, trying to improve. Your words and the words of some others here are just what I (or any writer) needed to continue on my path and not back down from the ney-sayers. Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoy my writing and I hope to continue to entertain and inspire.

[Vicki T.]

I've attempted horror myself. Check out my two short stories. I'm focusing on suspense.

[Vicki T.]

And keep writing.

[VJWild]

Absolutely!!

[Franky]

Holy s***! You got my heart pounding in this one. Woe. Intense.

[VJWild]

Seriously!? Nice!! ok so I’m on the right path at least?

[Franky]

Yes. I re read it and it was better the second time. Freaking chilling!

[imad chelloufi]

very good, i like it keep up the good work

[JayG]

Okay, you said no harsh criticism. But…suppose you were, though no fault of your own, making mistakes you didn’t see as being mistakes. Would you want to know, or remain in the situation that Mark Twain outlined with: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” ?

Assuming that you would at least want to know the kind of problems you face, here’s another quote, this one from E. L. Doctorow on what should be the goal of anyone writing fiction: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” Assuming that makes sense, Take a look at the story with that in mind, to see where you are, and aren't doing that.

So, without going into the things I might comment on, other than to say that they don’t have to do with how well you write, or your talent, two suggestions:

First: The articles in my writing blog are meant to give a bit of an overview of the important issues. You might want to check a few. Next, is a link to the best book on the nuts-and-bolts of writing fiction. It’s an older book, but still the best I’ve found, and it’s the book that got me my first sale to a publisher. And, it’s free at the site I link to just below.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

So give it a shot. Add a few of the skills the pros take for granted, to give your wordsmith skills and talent something to work with, and who knows what will happen?

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/