Blood and Snow

Short story I wrote with the music turned up loud to drown out all of the distractions.

I am standing in a never ending landscape. There's nothing but snow, a wasteland, empty with the exception a few bare trees, somehow though, it's still incredibly beautiful and peaceful, despite the fact that it makes me feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the expanse of surroundings. I look up to the white mountain, and there's a person standing on the side and I think they're screaming something, I just don't know what. I decide to climb toward them, because something is drawing me to this person, and I don't know why. As I get closer, I see that they are waving me away. They seem frantic. Something wills me to keep going, despite the fact that there is this feeling deep in my gut that tells me not to get any closer. The person, who I can see is a woman now, is starting to run towards me. I suddenly realize that I don't know how I got here, or even where I am. 

Suddenly, I am horrified. Behind the woman, who is still running and getting closer by the second, appears a figure. The figure had risen from the snow. A black, viscous liquid that twisted into muscles and ropy cartilage. There were gaps between the thick black strings and I can see the snow covered hill through the spaces. The figure seems to stretch forward, as though it's limbs can extend freely and it's moving so much faster than her. I want to turn and run, but I'm frozen in place. The figure has almost closed in on her now and I scream for her to run faster but it's too late. She opens her mouth to scream, but the noise never comes out. 

The figure wraps an arm around her waist and the other seems to twist into a sharp knife-like structure. It uses it to slice open the throat of the women. The figure releases her form as blood bubbles at her lips. The body falls onto the snow, and stains it red. The figure lurches towards me but then I sink through the snow, and it closes over my head. I am seeing nothing but darkness, until a light appears. It begins to move away from me, and not wanting to let the darkness descend, I follow it through this underground chasm. I find myself in a cavern, full of stalagmites and stalactites. The walls are illuminated and I scream when I realize they are stained with blood and the floor is covered by bones and dismembered limbs. The black substance from the surface seeps through the ceiling and materializes in front of me. It's knife like limb lunges forward and through my abdomen. My body crumples to the ground and I lay there curled up. breathing heavily as the light goes from my eyes.   

Author's Note

Leave review please, let me know if there are any grammar errors, etc.

Reviews

[nickdaman6]

This is cool. It almost feels like I'm reading a dream, which is how I'm sure you wanted the reader to feel like. It's a good short story; brief, gruesome, to the point. I feel like I might see something like this in my dreams tonight. I like it, keep up the work and good luck with your writing!

[Willow Radcliffe]

Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it :)

[Riverz]

yeah, nice write. very cool . keep writing because you got it.

[Willow Radcliffe]

Thank you so much. This is actually the inspiration for a book I'm writing, two chapters of which have been uploaded

[Tiberio Tano]

You have captured the emotions nicely. Good job.

[ASHIDASH]

The short story is well expressed. I really love it,. Amazing work

[Willow Radcliffe]

Thank you so much

[brianna vega]

omg this is awesome can i has some mo please

[Willow Radcliffe]

The creatures, I've named them Ess, feature in my book

[brianna vega]

id love to read it

[Willow Radcliffe]

The first two chapters are published on here

[Nusquam Esse]

Study up on the use of semi-colons and hyphens; you are overusing commas, and it makes for a lot of run-on sentences. If you can learn how to use the other punctuations you can help your story flow better.
ex. it should be "few bare trees; somehow though"
Since you are writing a detached surreal piece, it is very easy to make your language itself feel detached. "enormity of the expanse of surroundings" is not a good sentence. Try to cut out repetition and unnecessary words. There are numerous ways to combine sentences and ideas into a smoother flowing, better paced line.
Be careful when writing a detached voice, since if it is done wrong, the reader will not actually feel connected to the story. You can have all the blood and gore you want, and it will just feel like they are reading a history book... all the beauty you want, and it will feel like a movie review. You can stil make a detached voice strike home, but it takes careful consideration of how you structure your sentences, and the words you choose... avoid passive tense!
I have wrote a style like this before, back when I first started writing. It was only months later that I began to realize the problems inherent in my word choice and sentence composition. You can write lean, more succinct, surrealism, and still have it hit hard. In fact, it will be stronger!
Avoid using words like 'suddenly', the whole point of the word is to startle and demonstrate abrupt action. But starting a sentence with it completely gives it away, and bogs down the sentence. Find ways to make a sentence abrupt without using words like Suddenly or Abruptly.
You also have a lot of tense issues, in which at one point you will be writing a present tense, and inexplicably you shift to a past tense for a verb. Make sure it is either all in the past, or in the present.
Also, this is just a suggestion (just an idea I had, but not necessary by any means).... try adding a line to the very beginning. Just by itself. Something like...
"I had a dream,
Standing on an endless plain I could see nothing but snow, save a few stripped trees--not even a horizon; it was strangely serene, despite an endless expanse which sought to crush me."

[Willow Radcliffe]

Thank you, that review was immensely helpful. I plan to go back and edit all of my writing so this will be very useful when editing this one

[Harmartia Poe]

Oh my god, this was so gripping. Fantastic imagery. You have such an imagination! Well done :)

[Willow Radcliffe]

Thank you so much Harmartia, I really appreciate it :)

[SmittyJas]

very good imaginational write

[Willow Radcliffe]

Thanks so much

[Poetic Nuance]

I like this. Very good imagination and writing that is able to hold attention till the end. Maybe you need to do this more often and by that I mean something much bigger in volume. A book maybe... ;)

[Willow Radcliffe]

I've actually started working on a fantasy based book and I don't think it'll feature the snowy landscape but definitely that creature, and probably multiple of its kind

[Frieda P]

Gruesome, which I'm sure is what you were going for...sounds like a really horrible nightmare, I lost you for a second there when you abandoned the woman and ended up in a cave, but that's how dreams go, they put us in strange places and situations...killer ending, pun intended! Enjoyed albeit not usually my cuppa tea...but I enjoyed the ride. Well done Willow.

[Willow Radcliffe]

Yeah, I got a little lost but then I decided since it was fantasy it could go in any direction really. It made a nice change to write in that style as I usually don't