The Artful Dodger

The Artful Dodger

 

My faithfulness is currently under investigation

and that trial is still pending

what I viewed as night out with my friends,

she viewed as a serious offense:

a relationship rule that I failed to abide by

 

 

Did you buy you flowers?     No

Open doors?                             No

Remember our anniversary? Not exactly

Courtship?                                Not on this basketball court!

this,       is the funeral service for chivalry

 

 

 

When allegations of infidelity do arise

I can pass a female's polygraph exam with flying colors

 

It’s hard being faithful,

beautiful women are everywhere                                 and I

want to pet them,

and make them purr

 

I don’t know about you, but

I like to alphabetize my women

like

 “A” for The Ashley who waitresses

            “B” for British girl with the cute accent

                        “C” for Concession stands chick with the voluptuous a*s

 

 

Date nights with you are great

I bypass the friend-zone with the greatest of ease

Slip past every security check point to your heart

With frequent "I love you’s" and

sweet little text messages

 

With that, I get past the semi-finals,

and make it through

to the preliminary round

of potential suitors                because I

am the lcksmith of lovers

 

I watched you try credit cards, bobbin pins,

and turn the handle a few times, but

that lock still wouldn’t  budge and

 

You stayed over last night to

re-key those locks because of the last

break-in, and now

she’s a bit trickier to open

 

You stood outside in your bath towel

banging on the door because

she was too trusting to a previous owner

and “this is just a precaution”

 

You even made a spare key

because she was sobbing into her pillow

placing her valuables out

of plain sight, while I

was still at large, holding a new girl’s hand.

Author's Note

Thoughts on what works well/what doesn't? How do you feel about the intro of this poem?