A Thought for Tomorrow

I have a family, job, and most of all I'm young. This is a poem that could stick with me for the rest of my life...

 

                                                                          Wake up to freshen myself

                                                     The sun rises in the horizon so I can recognize the day

                                                        Feeling rejuvenated now to begin my responsibilities 

                                                                     Getting to work and not be late 

                                                                            Is an important priority

                                                          So I'm off,  leaving the family to get up, themselves

         

                                                                I'm a young man taking care of my family

                                                           The experiences I have at work are nonexchangeable

                                                                Just know that my thoughts are at home

                                                             Making sure everyone's okay and taken care of

                                          Putting a smile on my face, resisting the temptation to pick up the phone

                                                        Now that I'm not a kid anymore, is there a change in me  

    

                                                           Ready for the day to decline so that I could mend

                                                    Because I'm feeling kind of tired and aching from standing

                                                           When I clock out, saying my goodbyes for the day 

                                                         Realize home is my sanctuary where I can relax away

                                                                        Laughing to myself with relief

                                                                 Coming in, smelling the aroma of dinner 

                                                  My main focus is to reach the bedroom, then we'll have a winner

                                                  Wait a minute.... tomorrow I have to repeat this all over again

                                                                 

                                                             

Author's Note

Enjoy :)

Reviews

[Libby Carsons]

I like how freeform the poem is, its not restricted by any kind of strict rhyming scheme. However, there is also little hints of rhyme which make me smile, especially in the end, great job!

[Riley Bray]

First of all I'd like to say that I very much appreciate your enthusiasm and ability to dive right into fresher topics, the kind of which are explored less often. Now then, I'd like to jump right into constructive criticism, so here goes:

Wake up to freshen myself---------------------------------------------I can't tell you exactly what it is but this first line sounds off.

The sun rises in the horizon so I can recognize the day-----I think you should either say the sun rises or I see the sun over the horizon and then the day begins, because this line also sounds a little off.

Feeling rejuvenated now to begin my responsibilities---------You should have the word I'm at the beginning of the sentence. Next, you should have a comma after rejuvenated and a conjunction, like so, before now. Lastly, "to begin my responsibilities," is a moshposh of sentences. I suggest either saying, I can begin my day, To take on my day, or I can tackle my responsibilities.

Getting to work and not be late--------------------------------------The conjunction here in unnecessary and, if I may be so bold, a hindrance to the line. If you want the sentence badly, then change and not to means I can't. (Its not exactly correct grammar otherwise).

Is an important priority---------------------------------------------------I realize this is an add on to the last sentence. I'd say either delete it or have on one line, getting to work and not being late is a very important priority, or something along the lines of.

So I'm off, leaving the family to get up, themselves------------The comma after up should not exist, but the sentence exercises incorrect grammar anyway. Maybe say something like So I'm off, leaving the family to take care of themselves.

I'm a young man taking care of my family----------------------------This doesn't connect with the last line. The two both talk about family but different aspects of it. If you can't fix it I say delete it altogether and let the reader figure that out for themselves. Sometimes its better to leave some to the imagination.

The experiences I have at work are nonexchangeable--------This doesn't connect to any of the other sentences and the grammar needs to be altered slightly. Nonexchangeable is really the kicker in that sentence, so I consider changing it. If you can't fix it there'll be no harm in deleting it, honestly.

Just know that my thoughts are at home--------------------------The that makes this sentence illogical, so if you delete it, you can fix this. Also, you need a comma after home since the next sentence is a continuation of the thought.

Putting a smile on my face, resisting the temptation to pick up the phone-----I think you should just get rid of this sentence since it doesn't really add to any of your poem

Now that I'm not a kid anymore, is there a change in me------------------------------"is there a change in me," sounds strange and out of place, so I think you should get rid of it as well as the now that so that you just have I'm not a kid anymore. (This line floats by itself anyway so you'd have to connect it somehow).

Ready for the day to decline so that I could mend---------------------------------------To connect with my suggestion for the last line, you would have to have this begin with I realize I need to be or a few synonyms to that and after day the rest of the sentence should be chopped off. This doesn't go with the theme and doesn't make much sense with this. I understand what you meant but its rather odd.

Because I'm feeling kind of tired and aching from standing-----------------------------I think you should leave some things to our imagination, and this should be one of those things.

When I clock out, saying my goodbyes for the day-----------------------------------------This is worded awkwardly, so try something like, I clock out as I say goodbye, if you really want to use this.

Realize home is my sanctuary where I can relax away--------------------------------------Realizing? I think remembering would be more logical and this line is written oddly also. Do something like, Remembering my home is my sanctuary. "where I can relax away," ruins the imagery in my opinion and seems more like a cheap rhyme that you didn't really need.

Laughing to myself with relief------------------------------------------------------------------------I think you should combine this sentence with the next one or else get rid of both, since it doesn't do much for the poem separately. Something like, I laugh to myself with relief as I come in and smell dinner. The "aroma" of dinner doesn't really sound right.

Coming in, smelling the aroma of dinner----------------------------------------------------------^

My main focus is to reach the bedroom, then we'll have a winner----------------------This doesn't make sense because you were talking about dinner in the last sentence and it doesn't connect with anything. Also, since it doesn't add to the poem, its sort of useless.

Wait a minute.... tomorrow I have to repeat this all over again---------------------------This is an okay line but I think you should fix the beginning. "Wait a minute," makes it sound like a thought is dawning on you, but you've been writing this in third person limited, but without the thoughts, so I don't think you should introduce that on the last line.

Phew, 1 hour and 30 minutes and 36 points later, we have a finished review! I think you had good intentions with this poem but it turned out a little shaky. Every writers has "those" poems, so don't feel bad about it, but I've come to expect a lot from you. This does, however, have potential and, if tweaked just right, could be severely fixed. I'll be expecting to hear more from you in the future. :)

[Shirohana]

good poems.. good expression.. n well written..
i like it ^^

[Dark Rider]

I think most people can relate to this. I love how you wrote it with such detail that it was clear to picture what was taking place inside the story. I loved it. :)

[William C Jones III]

:)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Groundhog Day in a poem. I think you express what most of us have felt being on the conveyor belt but knowing it has a purpose and that wife and family are the centre of everything. The day begins and ends in the bedroom.

[Simon Welsh]

Nice :) this is rather well written.

[Ravyne Hawke]

Wonderful poem of responsibility and love for family.. and yes, there is always the repeat the next day. Great job, William.

[William C Jones III]

Love getting your feedback on my poems.^^ Thanks again

[Sirius King]

Wait a minute.... tomorrow I have to repeat this all over again

that's exactly how i feel lol
tomorrow is Monday ugh

[William C Jones III]

Yeah the least favorite day of the week lol^^

[Sirius King]

mine too... at lease its a holiday, i still have to work though ugh lol

[William C Jones III]

Well I don't lucky for me

[William C Jones III]

At least you're still making that money though lol

[Sirius King]

i know right lol