Duality

 

For My Angels

I wasnt sure if I should write this at all, and now that I am writing it, I am not sure if I should ever show it to you boys. You see this is the duality that exsists in all mothers hearts I believe, well I know it exsits in mine.

I am writing you boys tonight to tell you how excited I am that I get to see you both tomorrow! There are no words that can express the joy each flutter of a moment I see each of you brings to my life. All I want to do when I see you guys is hug and kiss you and tell you everything is ok, and how much I love you, how much I have always loved you. How much I have always wanted to come and get you and bring you home and the only thing that stopped me was the fear of not being able to keep you if I did because I knew my heart would not survive loosing you again, not for anything. So now that I am seeing you again and I did do everything the right way and you are right next to me all I want to do is grab you and hold you, even though I know that I will never be able to hold you enough to make up for the time I have been kept away from you. All I want to do everytime I see you guys is bring you home, here to Mommys house, and show you your rooms, the rooms that I have always kept for you. Even though this is a new house and these are different rooms, there has always been a room for each of you at every house Mommy has lived in. And I want you guys to see all the things that Mommy has around the house of you guys, its the only way that I make it through every day, the only way I find strength to fight is knowing that this day would come and it has. Now that it has, it breaks me to pieces every time I cannot bring you home, your rooms are still empty, I am waiting for you guys to come home so we can all go pick out what kind of beds you want and get the dressers and desks and bookshelves and rugs. You see your too big for your old furniture now and I had given that to your Grandpa when I was in the Army, you were both supposed to come with me when I finished training in Georgia, and go with me to Hawaii, when I put the paperwork in once I got to Hawaii, they denied it because Mommy was not married. You see Mommys recruiter lied to me, and Mommy didnt look into it far enough to make sure he told the truth. So when Mommy fought the Army, the Army got really mad at me and said they would kick me out dishonorably, but they could not because I did put you boys on my enlistment contract. So that is when Mommy got sick. Boys I got sick because the Army would not let me have you and because there were other people saying mean untrue things about Mommy too. So for the last 7 and a half years, I have been fighting everyone, and I would do it all over again. Every last bit of it, just to see you again.

Boys, I dont have many things in my life that I regret, you boys are most defenitley NOT one of my regrets. In fact you boys are one of the only things I have done good with my life. Life for me is not about money, money comes and goes, it doesnt last. Its not about friends, they also come and go, and they are not always true friends. Family however is the MOST Important thing to me. You boys are my Family and my ONLY priorities in life. I regret that my mistakes have affected your childhoods, that you boys have not known a normal upbringing. My hope and prayer is that despite my mistakes, your childhoods have been happy, and for that reason I do not act on my wants when I see you. I try to do, to the best of my ability and knowledge, what is best for you both, even when it is painful for me. You boys didnt ask for me to be your mother or to be born. I choose to be irresponsible at a young age and that resulted in the greatest gift God has ever given me, You boys. I only wish I had been able to provide you both with everything you both needed and deserved every day of your lives and that I hadnt made the mistakes I have made that have caused you both to be in the middle of all of this. The way your grandfather and I interact has nothing to do with either of you boys, and I do not want either of you to worry about or feel as though you need to involve yourselves in any way in what goes on in any of those relationships. As you get older and mature you will find that people at times will disagree and there are people who simply do not get along no matter how hard they try, but that does not mean you have to take sides. If you are being asked to do so between friends then one of those people is probably not a friend. In family situations it is not always that easy, you guys are children and boys, there would not be so many people involved and arguing about this if you were not extremley loved! We all just disagree on the methods. I do not want you boys to ever have to choose between anyone in our family and me. I am always going to be your Mom, nothing will ever change that. And I will alway love you both with all my heart, no matter what. There is nothing, absolutley nothing that either one of you cannot tell me. I will always be here for you both, and I will always have a room for each of you, I will never stop being your Mom, nomatter how old you get. You always have a home here with me. And you both have two parents, and both of you need to know that you are extremley loved, not only by the family that you know, but by your biological fathers, your grandparents on your fathers side, your  maternal Grandma (my Mom) and a lot of other family that you havent yet met. There has also been an enormous amount of people praying for you both over the years from my church here, and they ask me about you constantly. You both have more people that love you than you know and you always have. So you have never been orphaned, you have always been my sons, I never have stopped fighting for you. And I never will.

All My Love

I Love You Both

I Always Have

And I Always Will

Forever Your Mommy

 

July 18, 2011

 

Copyright

Ursula Kay Vos

2011

 

Author's Note

Copywritten under a pen name.

Reviews

[Antonio Valentino]

Wow...

whew, that is as touching as it gets... I can't even begin to imagine how tough that would be to go through...

Bless you, I hope everything is working out for you and your boys.

Wonderful write.
Antonio