In the end

Sitting here contemplating

do i have time

 

I've made my decision

Now its all schematics

 

No more

reason

No more

rhyme

 

The knife already sharpened

The doors already locked

Asprin on board

For weeks

but I stop

 

Theres another in the house

I dont want his weakness

to stop me from finality

so I'll wait

until he leave here

 

This isnt a rash decision

Unlike the others

No vomiting the cure

No surprises from others

 

This one has to work

There is no room for error

 

The only thing my soul cant take

Is another year

another day

another excuse

or explanation

Where are your children?

 

This has and still isnt anything I've done.

But when your borne to a psychopath,

Its likely when your born,

they've already won.

 

So I'll take his source of joy,

When I'm gone who will he torture?

He has not my Mother

I have no sisters,

no brothers,

I have borne his full rath,

25 years and counting,

day in and day out,

he finds new ways to haunt me,

He couldnt dislodge the knife,

from the bone in my chest,

Otherwise I may have been,

12 years old,

out of my misery

put to rest.

One more stab

thats all he needed.

I couldnt feel

I knew it was I who was bleedin

 

Hopefulness left,

when at 18 he still got to hit me

Police do nothing

When your a teen mom

Fresh out of a Foster family

 

You must have been bad

Why cant you be happy

Your Dad just loves you

Go get some counseling.

 

25, and still abused

not by men,

no by my father

I havent seen

but he still wins

 

So if I take his punching bag

If I take his rubrix cube

then what will he do

 

He has a wife

Shes number 4

but hey,

she didnt ask me

thats not my job anymore.

 

So I will wait

I pray forgiveness,

You told me God

You never give me more

More than I can bear

My shoulders broke 10 years ago,

I tell you, cuz you werent there.

I've been alone

Ima stay that way

Its better than to play the games

 

In the end

I owe you nothing

but forgive me Lord

Im about to sin.

 

 Ursula Kay Vos

 

11/20/2008

Author's Note

I did not carry through, obviously. I did not because, I did not feel it would be fair to ask my children to do something I myself was unable to do. That being break the cycle.
Life is hard. At times more than others. One breath at a time in the hardest moments. Just thinking about the next breath nothing beyond if it is to much.