Unexplained Mysteries Story 2

you know the rules

It was a normal day, Except today my family was taking me to the mountains, it was a long ride, when we got there it was in the middle of the night, and the worst we needed to make a fire in order to see in the night so me and my brother went out to look for logs. When he went back to the campground cause he needed batteries. But me I decided not to wait so I went ahead. When I saw something I've never seen before is looked so beautiful but I still felt very frighten, when he turned he had wings and he looked white suddenly he turned dark his wings to turned to big vampire wings and he has vampire teeth and flew to me and started attacking me I started to yell and scream as he took his mouth and bit me all over I started bleeding.

That's when I woke up from the nightmare and started to cry remembering I was in a mental hospital as I saw the doctor and asked me did you have a dream about what you said happen to you, I said yes, everyone though I was crazy cause that's what felt happen that life that's my body lays ripped open and scars all over, the doctors said I could have done it to my self but I still say it happened.

as I looked at the bite I had in my leg I said I'm I crazy?

What do you think happened is she crazy or does her story follow your solution?

Author's Note

solve the mystery

Reviews

[Caleb Boese]

I like this one better than the first. It's more concise, and the grammar errors are less brutal. It's easier to follow, and I believe she's just rationalizing the injuries on her body - totally off her rocker.

I agree with 'dark and twisty' about the angelic vampire transformation scene, needs to be more fleshed out. Other than that, not bad at all ^^;

Keep on writing.

[Voltaire Mephisto (aka ..]

I saw a few errors in grammar. The punctuation could still use some work. These stories don't seem in depth enough. Where are you getting them from?

[KieraCrimeScene]

I think that you could add more to this. It just all sort of happens, there is not much of an explanation. Everything just happens really fast, if there were to be improvement i would say slow it down. Nice job!

[Michael Carr]

much better than the first, however its far too short to really suck the reader into the piece. get some more, try not to rush so much. still, better grammar, better voice, and better story. def an upgrade.

[Ernestine]

Hey!
You're stories are pretty good. You could use a little help with grammar, though.
Remember, it doesn't matter that much as long as you try. Try reading more books. That could help with grammar, I suppose. Maybe you could read mystery books?
=:.)
Asher

[rogue_butterfly]

i cant really make it out but the man from before was really a vampire that came to make her life a hell and she is not crazy from what i can tell.

you are a great writer.

[Emily Rose]

Again, I agree with Caleb on all counts: his analysis of the story (that she's just crazy) and the fact that the demon-angel scene should be expanded. I will continue to insist, however, that this NEEDS to be run through a spellchecker just as badly as the first one does. Honestly, it's really unprofessional and juvenile not to put your story through spellcheck before you publish it, even if it is just on a website; it's a common courtesy to your readers; the errors are annoying to read and what's worse, they make the story very difficult to follow. The first sentence is a run-on and needs to be broken into two sentences, and the second sentence is a fragment and needs to be a complete sentence (you could do this pretty easily by switching the "when" to a "then.")

Again, I'm finding your characters rather flat. Before I want to solve a mystery about them, I would rather know more about them to make me WANT to solve the mystery in question. Again, this has potential, but it's got a ways to go.

[QuietPoet]

I dont think she is crazy. Everyone just thinks she is..

[Pink Poison]

I like this because it begs the question if you are insane or if you truly suffered a vampire attack. Nice bit of writing!

[dark and twisty]

i liked this waaay more than the first one...held my interest and attention...only your description of the angel/vampire with regards the wings part seems a bit odd...

i'm thinking she's nuts..heh..cos we all know vampires don't exist..but then again what do we know, us humans wrapped up in our own presumptious views about the universe we live in...