You'll Never Take My Pride

Personal experience, rough-ish draft. Please critique any way you see fit, but don't be too pissy about it.

I look up at you,

Dead eyes With no light for miles around.

You brought my heart, 

My mind, and my spirit down.

I'm sickened at the idea

That your hands could ever touch

This skin of mine,

Burning with the sensation of a grip unwanted,

Experiencing panic, 

Feeling there will be no end of time.

For this act you've committed, 

Treason in the highest degree.

I'll make damn sure it's the end,

For you though, not me. 

Don't call my name anymore.

My nightmares are full of your voice.

I can't escape the helpless feeling that you're watching my every move,

Your control being complete and unshakeable, I felt I had no choice.

Something that of a brute monster,

You break my will. 

I obey.

I cower.

I lie down like a dog.

I hide behind a guise of complacency.

Just let me be. 

I want to forget everything.

Inside though, my screams could be none the louder. 

I cry out for god to help my weary soul. 

You've taken from me for the last time. 

I will see your blood spill.

I will bare these teeth of mine

Shaking the blood from my busted gums,

Letting the liquid drip onto your face

As they all hold you down and 

Make you experience this as I did,

What I relive every time my eyes close. 

Reviews

[K.C. Zbryk]

People can make us feel like we are worthless in their eyes. Just something that was placed there to amuse them, and if we stay that keep repeating the same actions untill we feel trapped in an endless cycle. But eventually the downtrodden must rise up and say enough, and admit that they cannot lve like an animal any longer. What you have written here is, in my opinion, a brilliant testament to this cycle, and i believe that you will break free of this. Eventually the hatred will subside but this poem captured all of the torment and rage that is brought about by this treatment. Brilliant.

[BabyBluee]

wow this was honestly one of the most incredible pieces I have read...ur emotion I could feel it so strongly. you really are an incredible writer I cant wait to read more!

[Chris]

Kath,

Review - YOU are definitely in it... its good to 'see' you.

Comment - you have to open windows and let the house air out. Takes guts to stand up... and out.

Chris

[emmajoy]

A powerful tho very sad poem, a scream of defiance, a fighting back. Great emotion in a search for and discovery of strength.

[Jeremy Baker]

I liked this poem for its passion and intensity. The use of random capital letters was a little off-putting, but only a little. The variation in structure holds the reader's attention well; the vivid imageyr of blood and teeth are compelling also. Great work!