Catch

A Story by UseMeAbuseMeCureMe

Suicide?

Catch.

"You're bleeding,"

"Do you wanna go take a 'walk'?"

"I've never done it in a bathroom before..."

"Do you want to ride me?"

"Should we start taking off our clothes?"

Lilyana closed her eyes as the questions from different voices rang inside her head. Some memories were old, some were newer, but they both stung the same. "Lily, are you sleeping in my class?" Ms. Purtell, the geometry teacher asked.

Lilyana opened her eyes again and sighed, she wasn't sleeping, she was just hoping that by closing her eyes she would be able to shut out the harsh memories of her broken and pitiful, and mercifully over, sex life. She stared back down at her test, the words and numbers blending in together-designed to make her life a living hell. Next to her Warren ("You're bleeding,") was done and texting his latest girlfriend, behind her Marcus ("I've never done it a bathroom before...") was stabbing her back in the hopes to get answers, in front of her Dayton ("Do you want to ride me?") was snapping his gums in a way that had her going nuts and across the room was Donald ("Should we start taking off our clothes?"), looking at her with a mixture of curiousity and aloofness. Putting all of her exes in a room together and going "Learn!" was making Lily want to gouge her eyes out with a number two pencil. "May I be excused, please?" She raised her hand.

Ms. Purtell nodded curtly and Lilyanna jumped out of her seat, eager to be away. She almost ran into the bathroom so fast that her sneakers skidded on the dirty floor and she knees-dove into the toilet. Her vomit was almost on her clothes instead of in the toilet bowl and while part of her was disgusted with herself, another part was happy. The memories always ended like this, her stomach roiling with awful regrets and terrible longing, and then she was fine. Fine tended to last a few hours, sometimes even an entire day, but they always came back-especially since the bump in her belly was a constant reminder.

Her parents knew already, her mother was disappointed and desperate to know who the father was ("Should we start taking off our clothes?") but was alright with Lilyana's choice to keep the baby, and her father was too stoned most of the time to give a s**t. The baby's father knew that she was pregnant, pretty much the entire school did, but Lilyana would be damned if he knew that it was his. As far as him and the rest of the school was concerned, she was just a two-bit s**t that can't remember who she slept with. And that is where the problem really did lie, because she remembered way too well the people she slept with, how could she forget?

With Marcus, her first, there was no real lust, just an eagerness to see what the big deal was and this innate need to make him happy. She could remember the smiles on both their faces as they snuck into the handicapped bathroom, she could remember almost breaking the sink because that's where they had started (They had ended on the floor, with him atop her) and she could remember placing her hands on either side of his tanned mocha thighs as she tried out giving a blowjob for the first time) but she couldn't remember what it felt like, before or after. She couldn't remember why she was so happy, only the pain of being left as a used toy.

With Warren, the next boy she had slept with, she remembered lying to her mother. She remembered what it felt like to kiss him in his basement, to feel his hands on her, and in her (and the wild passionate feeling that had budded and bloomed, first in her loins and then, later, in her heart), and the way their noses had brushed together. She remembered him walking with her to the abandoned building and how, before he could get it all the way in, she had begun to bleed and burn. She remembered sneaking out under the fence, he had grabbed her wrist gently and helped her through. She couldn't remember why she had done it, or if Warren had ever actually liked her-there certaintly wasn't any good feelings between them now.

With Dayton, she had liked him for a while but in a way she was using him to get over the pain of having Warren (It didn't work), and she could remember the smile on his face when she walked in the hazy warm house, she remembered just laying down and sharing a pillow with him, she remembered the gentle way he kissed. She couldn't remember what she had done wrong, what she could have done to make him friendzone her, that hurt than knowing she was a one time deal.

With Donald, she remembered waiting in the cold park slide, seeing him ride up on his bike and have second thoughts. She remembered walking through the corn at one in the morning and laying down his blanket, she remembered riding him (After finally learning how to) and feeling his chest hair on her teacup breasts, she remembered the way his sweaty arms felt around her naked back. What she couldn't remember was the reason behind sleeping with Donald, she couldn't remember why it felt so important, she couldn't remember the wanton romantic feelings she had for him....those were all lost now, lost in the void of teenage depression. Sometime's it's better that way.

The bell rang and Lilyana stood up shakily, sticking a piece of juicy fruit gum in her mouth as she did so. Ms. Purtell stared at her distastefully as she grabbed her bag and handed in her blank test. "At some point you're going to have to think about the baby, Lilyana. You need to have a degree in order to take care of her." She informed.

Lilyana nodded without really hearing, it was words that she heard all before. From her mother, from her art teacher, from the Dean, everyone. She didn't care, the baby was going to have a great life, regardless of whether or not Lilyana had a degree or not. "I'll schedule a retake next week." Lilyana muttered before walking away.

It was only third hour but instead of going to her next class (Pre-law) Lilyana walked out the side door, and into the parking lot. Her car was parked across the street, in the empty church parking lot, but she didn't need it. She wanted to walk, to breathe, to think...

"I'm not looking for a relationship..."

"Your sister came on to me, you're just jealous."

"I have a baby on the way, I can't be with you."

"We'll see, I mean, Im usually too busy for a relationship."

"Why won't you talk to me anymore? Is it your baby's father...I can help you."

Each word was like a bullet to Lilyana, her head pounding from fear and exhiliaration. She had paid ten dollars to enter the museum downtown and now she was at the very top, by the clock, her feet dangling over the edge, her thoughts dangling past sanity. She was about to commit murder....and suicide. Part of her wanted to wait, give birth to her baby and then kill herself, but what cost would that cost her baby? Her mother may or may not raise her, she may or may not let her baby know that Lilyana committed suicide, it was a fuckup from start to finish. "Lilyana, what are you doing?" The rumbly voice made her jump and she would have gone cascading to her death right there if not for two strong powerful hands had not gripped her hoodie and pulled her back. "Are you f*****g crazy!?" The voice belonged to Donald.

"Let me go." Lilyana ordered, jerking out of his grasp.

The clockroom was narrow, so both her and Donald were pressed up into each other. He glared down at her, "I saw you acting weird in math, I thought it might have been the baby so I followed you. What are you doing here? It's dangerous." He reprimanded.

Lilyana gingerly stepped back out on the edge, so her back was to him. "It's only dangerous when idiots scare me. I came out here to think." She lied, her stomach tightening at the scene below.

Donald wrapped her arms around her and kissed her cheek, she let him, it would be the last time. She leaned into his body and thought about what it would be like if she told him it was his, what it would be like to settle down with him, become a hausfrau, live a life dedicated to him and his children. It was an oddly chilling, yet endearing thought. But it was only a thought, nothing more and with a final kiss on the lips, Lilyana let go and fell, praying to a God she had only recently started believing in that perhaps an angel would catch her....