I guess this is a journal now?

I think I'm finally coming to accept the fact that Courtny isn't the girl for me. When I think about who John is, I think he can deal with her s**t better than I could. I still feel like she deserves better, and that maybe she doesn't realize the difference between who would make a good friend and who would make a good lover. But, still, I'm making good progress on being okay with how things are, and I'm not going to make light of this new feeling. I guess I also still feel like she owes me for these years of leading me on, but even then, I don't think she's even aware of what she does. I've been in love with a 12 year-old for 3 years, and I feel absolutely stupid.

But, now I have new questions. If she isn't the kind of person who I can have a successful relationship with, then who is? I've spent these last years thinking about her, and comparing other people to her. I don't know what to look for now. Maybe I shouldn't even be looking in the first place. Maybe I just need to figure out who I am first, and if something good comes along, so be it.

The one thing I am still upset about is the fact that I have been hoping and praying for so long for this. I always saw Courtny as a blessing, an answer to my prayers. Now I know she was just a gigantic temptation, something to make me lose focus on what is important. I think the thing I'm having the hardest time doing is admitting that she wasn't the answer to my prayers, but something else. I want to call her evil, but that's not fair to her. I guess I don't really know what to call it. I still pray regularly that I will meet someone who will help me to be happy. I'm so lonely, even among my friends. I can't go an hour without wanting to break a plate over someone's head when they talk. I'm afraid that I'll never encounter someone who I am happy being around, and wont find annoying.

So now, I'm not sure where to go. This is really uncharted territory for me. I always have kind of defined myself by who I was dating, and seeing as my relationships don't last very long, I've been pretty undefined. I guess I need to figure out who I am, and then take things from there. Unfortunately, I think I have a long path of loneliness ahead of me to find out who I really am. Even with the fire and flames I've been through, I'm afraid the worst is yet to come. Please, Lord, don't make me wait long. Give me the strength to fight through this, but don't make me wait long. I'm not sure how much more I can handle.