A tale of biscuits and coffee

I will admit it, it was quite a bad day for me. I had once again failed to meet the deadline for my project and my boss was furious. As expected. He was almost on the verge of firing me for good. But that wasn’t all.

Back home, Jahnabi was also in quite a bad mood. I wasn’t able to manage any ‘free time’ for her, all thanks to those projects and their deadlines. It was ages since we went out for a dinner together. Though she didn’t say anything about all this, her silence spoke a thousand words. But wait, that wasn’t all either.

To add to my impressive list of misery, the water heater wasn't working. And this was quite a big problem, because one doesn't bathe in cold water in Delhi in January.

I almost drove through a red light thinking about all this. The whistle of the traffic police broke my train of thought and back I was to the bustling, noisy, crowded traffic around me.

I realized that I desperately needed a cup of coffee and since home was 20 kms further away, I knew I couldn't wait and would have to stop. I parked the car and went out, venturing for a tea stall. This area of Delhi was quite crowded and old, with small alleys and dusty roads. The buildings around here dated back to 20^th century colonial architecture. They were in dilapidated conditions of course, but the very designs and motifs in them quite fascinated me. It was almost dusk and a shade of blue was slowly engulfing them, heralding the dark. I saw a group of children playing with marbles, laughing and chattering around with each other. They were living in rags but they were happy. Happy with whatever they had in their life. Unlike us, who measured our happiness in bank balances and in buying expensive Cartier watches.

The environment here was quite different from the concrete jungle I lived around. There were hawkers, screaming the prices of beans and cabbages to every passerby. And then, there were people huddled around small fires, trying to keep themselves warm from the merciless winter.

I finally found a small tea stall. The owner was covered from head to toe in mufflers and sweaters, only his eyes were uncovered, peering about, taking orders. “Bhaiya! Ek cup coffee dena” (A cup of coffee please). He nodded, acknowledging me. I gazed around and saw a few people sipping their daily dosage of tea and discussing the recent India vs. Australia match. A few of them were chattering about the upcoming elections. Just regular evening gossip.

“Ye lo saab!” (Take this sir!), the tea seller said in a muffled voice and handed me over my cup of coffee. After paying him, I found a bench and decided to sit down and calm my nerves.

A sound of clinging of bottles together somehow caught my attention and I turned around to see where it was coming from. A small kid in tattered clothes, maybe 9 years old, a shawl draped around was sitting on his haunches. He was barefoot and there was a certain dismal look on his face. Lying on the ground were two or three glass bottles, some old newspapers, a sack and some other junk items. There was a broken torchlight too, I noticed. He was striking one bottle with another as he sat pondering about something. I couldn’t help but notice that he was scared as well.

“Hey!” I waved towards him, smiling a bit. He was suddenly surprised and shifted his gaze towards me. An uncomfortable gaze. “What are you doing? What happened?” I inquired. He tried to shy away a bit and looked around but didn’t reply anything. He was visibly scared.

“Hey! It’s okay. Do you need a biscuit?” I asked, gesturing my packet of milk biscuits towards him. No reply. I got up and walked towards him and he darted back like a squirrel, scared out of his wits. “Okay, okay!” I retreated back a bit. “I will just leave this on the bench for you okay?” I said, smiling, while trying to make him comfortable. And I turned to go. “Ruko sahib.” (Wait sir) He said in a tiny squeak, barely coming out of his famished mouth. He slowly stepped towards me and I handed him the packet and waved my hand over his hair. He looked up at me and smiled, like he hadn’t smiled for years. I could see the sparkle in his eyes as he looked at the packet, inspecting it around like every small kid would do.

“What is your name?” I asked. “Kafir” he replied as he ventured into the packet and took out a biscuit. “Where do you live Kafir?” I asked again. “Just nearby” he said munching away his biscuit and looking frantically around as if to veer away from this conversation. “Are your parents at home?” I was curious to know him more. “No” he said shyly, looking down. “Where are they?” I inquired again. “Ammi (Grandmother) once said they’re up there” he said, looking upwards at the evening sky. “Among them” he said, pointed towards a few shimmering stars that were slowly starting to appear.

I couldn’t quite say anything to him for the next couple of seconds as he resumed munching away his biscuits. I just stared at him. Finally, composing myself, I said “So what are you going to do with all that junk?” pointing towards his belongings as they lay scattered on the ground. “Hai allah!!” he jumped up, wide eyed, terror stricken. “What is it?” I asked quite worried. “Malik will punish me again today. He will beat me again” the words fumbled out from his shivering mouth. “I couldn’t gather enough today. He will punish me" he kept repeating. “Who will punish you?” I asked again, a few sweat beads appeared on my brow. “Our Malik! He always punishes when we are not able to gather enough junk for him. He sells them. We live with him. I have nowhere else to go. He will beat me again today” he said, panic stricken, shivering. I saw tears welling up in his eyes.

I was mortified by what I heard but this was the plight of thousands of children all over this country, children who were thrown into the unbreakable shackles of child labor and abuse. He suddenly darted towards his belongings and gathering them up started filling them inside the sack. When he finished, he tied the knot and trudged away without looking back. I stood petrified. I found myself helpless. I wanted to help him. Somehow. Anyhow. But I couldn’t find a way. Maybe I was among them too. Those who lived like robots termed under the caption of “civilized men”. Those, who were too coward to raise a voice and stand up. The meek observer to everything.

I stood there for a long time. I looked towards the bench and saw the packet of milk biscuits lying there.

Author's Note

Venturing into the world of fiction for the very first time with this story. This is totally a work of fiction and the idea came to my mind while I was watching a documentary. Any kind of comments, corrections, suggestions, ideas, questions are always welcome.

P.S. If you think you have a better title for this story, please inform me as well. I found this one, but I doubt if it's appropriate.

Reviews

[Solar]

Wow! Blackheart love the way you wrote this story - from the narrator's desperation for a cup of coffee to the desperation of the child trying to make a living. Kafir is made very realistic in his responses - engaging the reader with his individuality. Also the descriptions of the place - mufflers, chai-shop, bustling traffic etc so wonderful! I think the title is perfect - as it connects with interaction between the two main characters.

[Blackheart]

Thank you so much Solar! You totally made my efforts seem successful. And I am really glad for that! :D
And thank you for acknowledging the title as appropriate. I had to rummage a lot in my brain to find a suitable one. :p

[Zyle Christian William Cook]

I agree! The way you just submerge us into his life the way you do in the beginning before jerking us into his present moment in the car is fantastic! I also love the title. It speaks VOLUMES especially because the boy leaves them behind in his panic. :( :( :(

[Nigel Newman]

Blackheart Hi. I saw one of your reviews for someone else and thought I'd drop by. This is a very powerful story. I'm not sure 'like' is the right word, but I 'like' the sad unfinished ending - the realisation this is going on throughout India and indeed beyond. I think you are very good at painting pictures, and I found the story very engaging.

As for title, I think 'The Biscuits' might be OK, or perhaps 'Biscuits for Kafir' or 'The Tea Stall'.

You're probably aware of this, but sometimes your phrasing is not what I would call 'normal English'. I have a few suggestions:
- Jahnabi was also quite in a bad mood (the 'quite' is unnecessary, or if you still want it, place it after 'in')
- the water heater also malfunctioned (wasn't working). And this was quite a big problem, because you cannot bear to bathe in cold water on a regular January day. That too, in Delhi. (because one doesn't bathe in cold water in Delhi in January)
- desperately needed a cup of coffee and since home was 20 kms further away, I knew that I desperately needed coffee. Right now. (two 'desperately's; I suggest 'since home was still 20kms I knew I couldn't wait and would have to stop)
- dosage of tea and discussing about the recent India ('about' is unnecessary after discussing; either discussing the recent ... or talking about the recent ...)
- munching away his biscuit and trying to look away as if to veer away from (munching his biscuit [no need for away] and maybe 'looking frantically around as if trying to veer away ....')
- “No” he said dryly, looking down ... the use of 'dryly' suggests the boy used dry humour, tongue-in-cheek if you like, which doesn't sound likely for a street urchin. More likely he might reply 'shyly' or 'nervously'
- saw the packet of milk biscuits lying by (lying there would be more usual)

I hope these comments are seen as helpful. I found it interesting that this is your first try at fiction - it is a very good story - very observational. Thank you for sharing.

Regards
Nigel

[Blackheart]

Thank you for stopping by Nigel. I really appreciate that you took the time out to visit my profile and read this story.
As for your comments, I think they are very much helpful and I think I definately should make a few changes.
As English is not my first language, there are always a few mistakes, grammatical or otherwise that slip my eye. Thank you so much for pointing them out.

Regards
Blackheart :)

[Archos]

I like the story overall, a very pleasant and interesting read. The first few paragraphs seemed a little tense (in terms of writing style, as if you were trying too hard). I'd recommend you to take a look at them again and try to write them in a bit more natural way. The reast read very well though and I appreciate that you took me to witness this scene.

[Blackheart]

Thank you for your insight Archos. Glad you read this piece.

[Meeks]

"“What is your name?” I asked. “Kafir” he replied." - Aha. This whole paragraph, I love it because you use different speakers in the same paragraph. So many people have told me not to do this, because in fact you shouldn't do this, but please continue doing it anyway because I'm doing it and it's fun to do and you don't have to press 'enter' a bajillion times.
There we go. Rant is over. Well, not just yet.
However, there are cases in here that would benifit from being in a different paragraph. Like whenever a dialogue is unexpected, or you particularly want a reader to notice it, like the 'stop sir' that you just planted smack in the middle of less-important text. THAT needs a new paragraph.

Again, weird seperation of paragraphs, seemingly at a whim but nicely divinding the narrative into scenes (except the beginning?). Grammatically, just another paragraph would do fine, but this probably works better anyway.

As for the actual emotional impact that you were obviously trying and also succeeding in striking, there are ways.
Opponent-Process Theory is actually based more on color vision, but recently been applied to understand emotions. It supposes that any emotion can actually be caused by its opposite, not only by the situation. For example, after you feel strong fear, you will always feel relief, as these are two distinctly opposite emotions. If you feel sad, as soon as sadness goes away you would feel glad and happy. If happiness was caused instead, you would feel a bit sad when that gladness-inducing thing is taken away. People get used to emotions, and when an emotion we've been feeling since ever dissappears, we feel its lack in its opposite..
Same here. Not only can we see that people can't be sad all the time, but also that these mood swings would be really, REALLY big in people like this. Unless they're a freak of nature, or depressed, or just outright lying about their situation, they wouldn't be displaying pessimism at such a obviously happy time.
ANOTHER implication is pretty much building bonds with the reader. We can really show sadness in a more powerful way by straining every muscle not to show it, and then cutting to the last scene where reality is presented. Example, the boy smiles and talks to the man, possibly joking about his life, until the man leaves. And then we see how all that was really a facade.

Anyway, sorry 'bout the science. You don't have to read any of it if you don't want to, but the patterns and theories on emotions and pretty much anything else I can use in writing really fascinate me. So, here you go.

I love the style you have made for yourself. 'Work on my descriptions' was running through my head the entire time while I read.

Also, sorry about the late RR. I actually read this a while ago and decided not to review because you already had like, 10 reviews for 100 views and I guessed my time would be better spent doing homework. And maybe I don't like to let people know their writing is good for the sake of my own ego. You know, standard stuff.
Best wishes

[Blackheart]

Hahaha. First off, thank you for taking the time out to read this. Honestly speaking, I like your in depth reviews very much and that's why I decided to give you a RR because I wanted to know your POV regarding this story. Thank you for accepting that.
I have duly taken notes to everything that you have said. Some of it is quite new for me e.g. the Opponent Process Theory which you mentioned. Quite fascinating stuff and I think I have to venture more regarding this. Thank you for sharing that as well.
And regarding reviews, I don't mind if you say good things or bad things about the stuff that I have written. What's important to me is the underlying outcome from that. And if I am able to get that, it's enough.
Anyways, thank you for your time.
Best wishes. :)

[Alucard6336]

This is good. I honestly read very few stories here but I sense great intellect in you so I chose to read this.

A conjecture: those robots look like they have fun, while the enlightened have too much to ponder.

I want to be your friend call on me anytime. Kk.

[Blackheart]

Glad you liked it mate. This was just a piece of fiction pressing on an issue that demands attention. Thank you for your time in reading this. I greatly appreciate it.

[Ellen Kolman]

Excellent story! and Do NOT change the title...keep writing stories..it flows well and it is interesting and I love how it touched my heart in the end...you did a great job of entering my mind into your character's life and feelings...I got a great sense of all that was happening...BRAVO

[Blackheart]

Thank you so much mam. You inspiration is what makes me go further and further. And I thank you for that. Glad you liked it so much. And yes, I will keep this title. :D :)

[Ellen Kolman]

Hugs honey!

[Coyote Poetry]

A lesson taught in this story.
"Those who lived like robots termed under the caption of “civilized men”. Those, who were too coward to raise a voice and stand up. The meek observer to everything.
I stood there for a long time. I looked towards the bench and saw the packet of milk biscuits lying by."
Here in the USA, the same. Rich places no concern for the poor and hungry. They are blinded by greed and need for more. A well written tale needed to be read by more. Thank you for sharing the amazing story.
Coyote

[Blackheart]

Indeed Coyote. What you say is absolutely true. It's a global phenomenon sadly. And unfortunate children have to suffer for the greed of a few people.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are right. Look at the USA. Trump, a clown is getting votes. He made money off the backs of the poor. Fired more than he hired. We must wake-up or find the road to a dead-end.

[Blackheart]

Yes, I have been keeping up with the political status in America. What you say is true. People are following something blindly these days, they don't retrospect themselves. Give them a few bucks and they're on your side. Anyone can be bought. There is no...self respect left.

[Coyote Poetry]

I do agree my friend.

[several thousand]

This is a very well written story. I'm impressed. Thanks for sharing.

[Blackheart]

And I am glad to see a familiar face after a very long time. :D
Anyways, glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by.

[TheMalady]

I think you had shown us the reality of this world. It's not only happening there in your country, but in other parts of the world as well. I guess the others had already worked out on the areas that you need to improve to. I would say you are doing a good job. :)

[Blackheart]

Thank you TheMalady. It's a worldwide phenomenon, sadly. And here, people are trying to eradicate this but still the problem persists on a larger level. Laws are made but are not acted upon. Everyone knows it's a crime but when it comes to making money, some people don't look upon on the hands that are working for them. And that's truly unfortunate.

[TheMalady]

That's true. It's because there are people, especially in the higher strata, who acts solely for their own interest, disregarding the majority of people who are in need of help. Change is really difficult to achieve, especially if the very people who are in charge of doing the change are rotten to the core. :(

[Blackheart]

True as anything!

[Mister T.]

The question is not whether you are one of 'them', but whether you want to be one of them - whether you want to stand up or take everything the way it is. The fact that governments care more about money than they care about their citizens has become clearer and clearer as money started to play the leading role in our lives.
But, besides my criticism related to governments, great piece xD

It's actually a really enjoyable story, and I could really feel and see what the man - our narrator - was experiencing. Having to meet deadlines, but failing to do so.. Tell me about it :p
Sometimes you look at something and you think hey, this perfectly symbolizes.. Well, I had exactly the same feeling while reading this piece. Seeing something, at an unexpected place and an unexpected time. Great job on that!

I don't think there's anything wrong with the title. I have some suggestions, if you're not satisfied with the current title:
- "The Junk Boy";
- "One of Them";
- "The Kafir"; (The use of 'the' here symbolizes the fact that Kafir is only a number, a child used for child labor, and not regarded as a human being)
- "The Shadow of Leviathan". (Leviathan refers to a monster originating from biblical stories, but it's often used as a synonym for 'the government' by philosophers).

I also noticed some minor errors while reading:
- "..my train of thought": I'm not sure about this one, but I believe it should be 'thoughts', instead of the singular 'thought'.
- "..further away I knew, that I desperately": this comma causes a rather strange pause in the sentence. Placing this comma between 'away' and 'I knew' sounds better, in my opinion.
- "I said, smiling while trying to make him comfortable": I think placing a comma between 'smiling' and 'while' sounds better, as you're saying "he was smiling AND trying to make him comfortable", instead of "as he was smiling he was trying to make him comfortable".
- "He nodded acknowledging me": again, this little sentence seems to be going too fast without a comma. Just like last time, he nodded AND acknowledged me, so you could either add a comma between them or use 'while' here.
- "..was slowly engulfing them heralding the dark": again, it was slowly engulfing them AND heralding the dark. Adding a comma between 'them' and 'heralding' should fix it.

I noticed you had some trouble with comma's here and there, or were they just accidental errors? I noticed them anyway, so I thought you'd appreciate it if I'd point them out for ya :)

So, with all that said, it's a great first piece of fiction. You should write more stuff like this, you're really good at it! I'll be glad to write more essays on your fiction stories :P

[Blackheart]

This is arguably the longest review I have ever got in writerscafe. XD
But, thank you for your immense point of view regarding this story. I never thought people would this so much. The appreciation I am getting here is something beyond my wildest imagination. What you said about governments staying mum, while children continue to get exploited is something which is unfortunate. But true. Same applies to the citizens. We come across dozens of children everyday who work in horrible places, just to fill their stomachs. We see them each day. But we do nothing. We look away and blame it on the system. And this continues as a never ending cycle.

Thank you for all your punctuation related corrections. I might have missed them while typing hastily but now that you've pointed them out, I will make sure to correct them. :)

I really think I should write fiction more then ever, considering the plethora of inspiration I got here so do expect to see some more of this. And, I will always wait for your amazing reviews. Cheers man. :D

[Mister T.]

you're welcome man ;)
That this one was so long was not really intentional, but I just went on typing and typing and eventually I had reached a book page length already.. Like half an hour later xD

[Blackheart]

Hahaha. I understand mate. :D And it's a great feeling to when you get to see someone taking so much importance to something you created. It's like, you really did the job in a good way. :)

[Mister T.]

Well, I haven't been feeling very good lately (although I feel better now, don't worry), therefore I haven't reviewed anything of your work in the last couple of days. I figured that if I reviewed your work I'd do it extensive, so my review would actually be helpful for you.

[Blackheart]

It's alright man. Take good care of your health first. Everything can come later. :)

[Neytri]

A simple story with a difference. Glad to know that people like you still exist who actually think about the society stepping out of their daily cocoons. I hope that by reading this, at least a few people spare their packets of buiscuits for those who need it more.

PS: shouldn't 'child labor' be 'child labour'?

[Blackheart]

You portrayed the summary in such a magnificent way. Indeed, what you say is absolutely true. If we don't speak out, who will. Thank you for reading this. Glad you liked it.

Labor and labour is the same. The spellings are different for American English and British English respectively. Another example being color and colour. :)

[Neytri]

Oh! Thank you for helping me expand my knowledge :)