USofL: iEnt.erupt.ed Thought

Well you onli fall when
youarentlooking

and it's the whistleofthe let.ters
and w or ds shooting myn.lines
f O r m i n g
stretch=marks on my brain
that has me
as my own slave
like the chain is to my bike

look mah no hands

and like that iM
iTrapped and iTripping
Over Pebbles
Insects..the replicas of me
dancing in my way
Anything capable of making
Us itch
iTossing and iTurning
Staying awoke
at night fearing
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
     asleep     

...............those dreams stinging me
zapping the pleasure out of please.her

am i drowning..?
     no not really..     

the suffocation
is just another
aftershock of elation
of what seemed to be
a fight between
sur.real.ism and red light photography
a real me hog tie
skidding the tires on a slick
racetrack
because iM always racing
in the rain
thats always pouring
or atleast misting over
the celebratory celebrations
cerebrating cerebricity
in my cerebellum
masking the shame
like soliders should

iWish god would stop pissing on me
even though i know its just the way the plants are fed

yeah piss in my mouf instead..

 

 

Reviews

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Extremely interesting form and wow you sound , is it pissed or just frustrated?
Good write LE

Chloe
xoxo

[B. Lapinski]

excellent write....cheers

[ultra sepulchre]

bravo!

a true unsystematic masterpeice & rebellious in nature... truly original.

sarah

[Raef C. Boylan]

with* not would

bollocks

[Raef C. Boylan]

"look mah no hands" (i get: look ma no hands in my head a lot too...strangeness).

"shooting ines" (should it be lines or am i being dumb again?)

"stretch=marks on my brain
that has me
as my own slave
like the chain is to my bike" - liking this; you got me feeling sorry for metal (slaves) now.

stretchmarks on yo' brain
cos they be like scars
but that's too cliche

"and like that iM
iTrapped and iTripping" - reads like commentary on contemporary lifestyles to me but probably aint (ipods and s**t)...cynicism.

"Insects..the replicas of me
dancing in my way" - is this one sentence, 'cos i like the idea of seeing insects as little you's; i feel like an ant most days. Even if it's not one sentence, i think that's a great phrase - very vivid.

"zapping the pleasure out of please.her" - with you on this; good word play and sombre point.

"a real me hog tie
skidding the tires on a slick
racetrack" - again, vivid...i cringe at the s**t flying into your eyes with your chin acting as brake

"the celebratory celebrations
cerebrating cerebricity
in my cerebellum" - go. Yo.

"masking the shame
like soliders should" - sure, sober me up after the hippity hop why don't ya

The line definitely fits in here; you could have thrown it in anywhere, but it belongs where it is so nice one.
Dunno about the final line...but it's got attitude and if that's what you wanted then cool.
maybe you're laughing at us
for taking it seriously
trying to write
cerebal reviews and tripping
over our own snot
so that last bit
is the punchline
and all the laughter
s.t.o.p.s.
instead you got head scratching
mismatching
or soul patching
maybe just reattaching
yourself to yourself
chucking rocks in the gulf
to hop skip
p
m
u
j
yo.bo.so
go
on the winner!
as my gran says
watching the races
when my grandad bets
his life savings
this makes less sense
than death in a crowded street
in a bed of flowers
on a sunny day
i could do this for hours
because of what you've given me
would your wor(l)ds

great poetry

Outtie.

[lostintheworld]

stretch marks- too much too fast and this is such a perfect way os explaining...enlightening me.... as to what it's like cause it's so different for everyone ya know? and i love how it manifests in your writing becuase i follow it...feel it....
and especially cause i get to see it happen to you so often that now it's like being let in on this whole other side.

look mah no hands. this is interesting to me on many levels. wHEN we say this to our parents it's kinda a whole., look i'm a grown up now and can do it all bymyself....or look how good i am i don't even have to use my hands...like a step up from leaving the training wheels behind- escept your mom really isn't a part of any of this..the sentiment is there but i want to see you attack that aspect sometimes. and dude, your tripping trapped because of it. at least that's my theory and yo uknow how i am with theories. just saying....

fear of falling.
in love
asleep
out of control
down
failing
I so called the sleep thing way back...i'm only hesitant on dreams cause to me dreams are positive and i know these ones arent... but you worked it well in the piece and so it's working for me,..
zapping the pleasure of please her....yeah. again i see. have seen.

and the elation. yeah,. take it in. take it all in.
this reminds me of the rainy day at the park. haha

sweaty rainy day.... haha

[lostintheworld]

f*****g ferociously fantastic

damn. its' gotta f**k me alittle more befo' i commment on all of it...
you know that's just how i am...