THE QUEST

Third place winner in second UEMB writing competition

The day I was born, the very lots of Wal-Mart parking whispered, "is that f*****g lady having a baby?"

My birth was, like so many others, a byproduct of wholesale Chinese products in a big box retailer lovingly shoved into a small, urban American town. I remember it as though it were yesterday...

 

There she was: my loving mother, three months pregnant with what eventually congeal into little ole me. It was another day of begrudgingly shopping at the local supercenter. Agh! If only there were somewhere else a mother could go to buy her beloved Hormel chili and the latest Minons graphic tee! But alas, it was not to be. Dejected and with a cart piled with significantly more items than originally planned, mother approached the self-checkout because f**k other people.

Her bounty in tow, my darling mother exited the graveyard of small business and headed back to her car. Suddenly, she was flanked by 4 assassins. This, in my humble opinion, was quite rude. I burst forth from my mother's womb, katana in hand, decapitating one of the murderous fiends in one fell swoop. Life and death in harmony like peanut butter and probably bananas.

Not wasting time, I quickly parried and disarmed the second attacker. I mocked his obviously weak bloodline and returned his blade that he may fall upon it. And fall he did. Right through his neck. Oh it was f****n' gnarly. I don't think he meant to do it. Everyone stopped and postured to the dying man if he would appreciate any assistance to the other side. He politely declined while choking on blood and also STEEL.

Anyways, I f****n' snacked on the other level one wank stains. I turned to my cherished ma-ma. There she lie, right where I ripped her open to birth myself, clutching the traditional exit wound I left behind.

"MOTHER!" I cried out.

She meekly replied, "My son...I am not long for this world. Quickly, take me to your father's tomb..."

We arrived posthaste. I suspect this dying wish revolved more around not wanting to die in Wal-Mart and less about a prophecy.

"Thank you...I did not wish to perish in the lot of parking for a f*****g Wal-Mart, my guy." she said as blood continued to gush from her singular, me-shaped wound. I nodded.

"But there is also a prophecy..." I reeled in shock. A prophecy? Who could have foreseen this?

She continued, "What lies before you is a throne of lies. It is not your father's tomb, but instead a gateway...to HELL. Go! Plunge deep within the gates of Hell and reconcile with your younger brother!"

"AGH! BUT I HATE HIM SO!" I shrieked.

Undeterred, she spoke again, "You must set aside your differences...you must work together and become so totally badass and save your father."

"Papa is in peril?" I eked out. She gently nodded. Possible death throes. "Ah...perhaps you are right, mother. You always were so very wise."

And lo, she has perished, but thank the gods, it was by the entrance to hell and not that Wal-Mart across the street. I stumbled to my stupid, baby feet, enraged but full of conviction.

"RAHHH! THIS INFACY BORES ME!" I exclaimed as I transformed into a f****n' jacked man.

As I opened the tomb, revealing the hidden path within, I turned one last time to look at my dearly departed mother. There was a drug deal in the distance. Someone was short on cash. There were talks of threesomes in exchange for that good good, but alas, there would be no time for such unpleasantries, I had a mission to complete.

Gnarled roots  swallowed the passage before me. Cracked idols and the dull shards of what once must have been someone's fire a*s CD mixtape littered the ground. Cherished memories, torn to pieces like a pregnant mother in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Life can be so poetic at times, I mused to myself. Maybe I will write that book of poetry, after all.

A shadowy figure loomed into view. It was short and feral probably. I fired a warning shot with the .45 magnum I absolutely had this entire time. I just didn't mention the gun because, like, I'm not here to catalog everything. Life is an adventure and there are always going to surprises. Grow up, nerd.

"Wah..." my derelict adversary cried out. Like a baby.

"Grow up, my guy!" I barked into the hallowing abyss.

"Ok." The figure contorted and shifted into something more humanoid. And also f****n' jacked.

"BROTHER!" My eyes did not deceive me! The Nazgul-esque wombat of a creature in the tomb was none other than my younger brother. There he stood, also a man now, staring me down like the mother-killing, self-birther I was.

"You killed our mother..." he furiously whimpered.

"It was the me-shaped wound, not the me..." I shot back. "Also, how were you born?" No response.

"Anyways, we have to save dad." I reminded.

"Papa is in peril?" he eked out. He spun, facing down the heart of darkness. "Papa can you hear meeeee?" He was met with only the sounds of the howling wind and that threesome drug deal in the distance.

"There's no time to lose! We just join forces to save our father!" I bellowed to my seemingly frozen kin.

He paused for a moment to think. Ah, he nodded his head. He had probably thunk by now.

"Let's use the Hellevator," he said, pointing to the elevator beside the pathway.

I felt myself beaming with pride. Finally, we brothers were working together again, just like ma-ma had always wanted.

We yeeted mother's corpse into the distance and entered the Hellevator to expedite our quest.

"Oh cool, it's got one of those old timey levers and the little gate door." I admired aloud as we entered.

My brother was quiet. Too quiet. But I wasn't born yesterday, no sir. I was born 15 minutes ago. I knew my brother far too well to be fooled by his façade. "What troubles you, brother?"

He sighed, and looked into my eyes. "I've been doing a lot of soul searching." He nodded to himself. "Been thinking about what you told me back there, about mom. About the you-shaped wound.

"Look man, I was a real dick back there. It won't happen again. Come Hell or High Water, I shall see this quest through to the end with you!" He extended his open hand to me. I reached out and grasped it back. F**k yea. Character development.

"Hey, by the way, what the f**k does dad even look like?" he asked, vexing me, as well.

The Hellevator began to shake, rattle, but thank the spirits, it did not roll. We would survive to Phase 3 on this boss encounter yet. Both doors swung open and also forward and then into lava, like super fast. It was so fast, my guy.

"WHO DARES ENTER MY DOMAIN?" an evil, earthshaking voice rumbled from within the darkness before us.

"It's...it's...we're on Phase 3 on this boss fight!" my brother called out.

"Oh s**t, dude! Hold on!" the voice bellowed, followed by vicious rustling. "Phase 3 is the lava portion. I am so sorry, fellas, one moment."

We waited with baited breath in the darkness for a moment before a surge of lava erupted before us, illuminating the cavernous room. As I stood in awe, scanning the room, I noticed multiple platforms of molten rock floating amid the sea of Flaming Hot Cheeto's soup. And there he was, positioned on the largest platform, and looming in the back of the room: the mad dragon king, DeadAss. Though he was once pure, his soul was corrupted by the evil that power brings. He had become the epitome of all that was dark and foul in this world. And that meant epic loot. All the purples I could imagine. Maybe even a mount that kinda looked like him, but according to the compromise in the lore, it was technically one of his brood.

It had to be mine.

Or my brother's.

We would roll on it, afterwards, but one of us was getting that dragon mount or I'm uninstalling life.

DeadAss was skimming over some documents, probably boss mechanics and dialogue. He tossed the papers into the fiery pools below and straightened his back, extending his massive wings.

"YOU ARE NOT PR--uhhh I MEAN, COME MORTALS, AND FACE YOUR FIRST DEATH! Later there will be additional death, but not here, IN HELL!" he cackled. "GO FORTH, MINIONS OF THE ABYSS, AND FEAST! FEAST UPON THEIR BONES!"

"WE'RE ALSO BONES, BOSS!" a voice called back. DeadAss's gaze shot down at his skeleton army, their many, vacant eye sockets nervously glaring back at him expectantly. The dragon king's eyes glazed over and he made a sort of "come on" motion towards us.

Mixed responses came from the army of the undead, but they collectively sighed and charged us head on. My brother and I, fearsome warriors we might be, tense in anticipation of battle.

"AHH!" a skeletal soldier cried out.

We stared in disbelief as the entire army of cursed souls bee lined into the lava, killing them all instantly. Again. I guess they forgot about the lava. Lava does tend to sneak up on you in life.

"WOW! DID YOU REALLY JUST DO THAT?" DeadAss roared, furious at the incompetence he watched as his formidable army disappeared beneath the fiery Cheeto waters.

The mad king groaned, but soon the groan turned into genuine fury. DeadAss spread his wings to full length and furiously flapped them towards us, sending unspeakably spicy winds our way.

"I GROW WEARY OF THIS INTERLUDE! COME, FOOLS, AND FACE YOUR DEMISE!" he screamed at the top of his dragon lungs with a soul crushing vigor.

"You want my blood? Come then, dawg!" I yelled back, matching his fury.

"AHH!" DeadAss cried out.

Again, we stared in disbelief as the entire DeadAss fell into the lava. He must have forgotten about the lava, too.

Nearly defeated and burning to death, DeadAss looked to us, almost begging us to end his life. We looked to one another and nodded. Ah the sacred and unique nod of brothers. I thrust the sword, that I definitely had the whole time, (remember from the assassin plotline), towards the dragon king's head.

It missed completely and bounced off of a rock. After we watched my blade dance around for a moment before coming to a rest, we turned back towards DeadAss, who was nowhere to be found.

We totally killed him.

"Loot's in the lava."

"What?" I quipped, turning to my brother who stretching.

"Loot's in the lava." he repeated.

My god. He was right.

As one, as brothers, as conquerors of DeadAss and the forsaken army of Minecraft archers, we charged the lava and dove in head first.

 "Oh f**k, it's lava!" I yelped.