The man in the hat

It was a cold winter evening in Kent. Not unusual for early December. The fields were coated in thick layers of snow that had continuously fallen all of that day. The sun was just setting, what was left of it was shadowed by the brown spiny branches that edged across the common that Olivia was walking down to get to her house.

Olivia walked slow, not wanting to fall down the icy slope that lead to the main road. The path that once was so clear was barely recognizable. It was known to Olivia that she shouldn't be on the common during the night; continuously reminded by her mother to take the main road, where it would be illuminated with light. But the common was the quickest route back to the village. Olivia with caution tried to quicken her pace and crossed her arms tightly around her to keep in heat. In the middle of the path that Olivia walked on stood two massive oak trees that blocked out all traces of light. Even when it was sunny with no element of clouds in the sky; this space under these two vast trees was a somber place. The two oaks were five feet away from Olivia, this was the point that Olivia would check behind her always paranoid that someone was trailing her footsteps, even on a bright sunny day she would check, it had become routine. Olivia quickly took a glance to see that nobody was present. But upon hearing a rustling that spooked her, she turned around suddenly to see someone standing on the other side of the two oak trees. Haloed by the little light that shone on the other side. Olivia could only make out the shadow of the figure, but by the height and the tall top hat that she could see, she recognized that it was a man. Of what age she could not say.

The man in the top hat stood there like a statue. She could not make out if he was facing her or the gate that stood at the end of the path, Olivia’s safe haven. What she did know was that she would have to walk past this man. Olivia was unconsciously mirroring this stranger, for she was also standing as still as this man before the two trees (his sudden appearance had scared her out of her wits). Knowing this she began to move and so did the man at the exact same time. She stopped and so did he. Olivia’s palms began to sweat, reaching into her pocket, she held her phone. It had no battery but she was hoping that the man in the hat would at least be able to see that she had it to call the police, to deter him from any ill intentions.

She continued to walk, when she started again he did the same. She was entering the darkness of the oak trees. It was pitch black, she looked into oblivion. Her breath came quick, so quick that it was the only thing that could be heard. The strange man would have to pass her under this darkness, she listened out for footsteps, but could hear only the sharp inhales of her own breath. She held her breath to help…still nothing. Her heart was beating out of her chest and panic kicked in. 'It was either fight of flight' Olivia had thought.

Olivia had never been a fighter. She was a physically weak skinny girl, pretty with auburn curly hair and deep mud brown eyes. She was as pale as the snow that had fallen that day and this is exactly how she felt in that present moment too. Due to her unfortunate circumstance it meant she would have to run which she had never been good at either. The odds were against her.

Author's Note

This is the opening of the short story that I am writing. The opening is unfinished but I would just like some opinions on how you think the story is going so far.

Reviews

[Kelsey Schadt]

Hi, I have some suggestions that I hope can help you improve. I am noticing that you start in passive voice.
"It was a cold winter evening in Kent. Not unusual for early December. The fields were coated in thick layers of snow that had continuously fallen all of that day. The sun was just setting, what was left of it was shadowed by the brown spiny branches that edged across the common that Olivia was walking down to get to her house." I suggest making this active..I find this website particularly helpful https://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/CCS_activevoice.html

"Olivia walked slow, not wanting to fall down the icy slope that lead to the main road. It was getting dark and the path that once was so clear to Olivia was barely recognisable. Olivia knew that she shouldn’t have left it so late to go home; she was continuously told by her mother to take the main road at this time of hour and not common. It wasn’t safe after dark, but it was the quickest way back.
I feel like here you are repeating alot of the setting information that it is dark. As a reader I feel this is redundant, but at a writer, I get that you are doing it to set the scene. I would cut back a bit on letting the reader know it is getting dark.


It was always at this point that she would look behind her paranoid that someone was trailing her footsteps, yet whenever she did her mind was put at ease when it was confirmed that was no one was there. This sentence is unnecessarily wordy, try revising.


Olivia quickly took a glance to see that nothing was present. She heard a rustling that spooked her. She turned around suddenly, to her surprise to see someone standing on the other side of the two oak trees. Haloed by the little light that shone on the other side. She could only make out the shadow of the figure, but by the height and the tall top hat that she could see, she recognised that it was a man. Of what age she could not say.
The man in the top hat stood there like a statue. She could not make out if he was facing her or the gate that stood at the end of the path, Olivia’s safe haven. What she did know was that she would have to walk past this man. Realising that she was also standing as still as this man before the two oak trees, as his sudden appearance had scared her out of her wits, she began to move and so did the man at the exact same time. She stopped and so did he.
I enjoy the tension of this other man. This is where I become most engaged as a reader. It begs so many questions. Who is he? Why does he move as she does? How will this play out? Interesting way to present a new character!
I am interested by the plot, and hope you continue this story!

[Tyrean_m]

Thank you Possum for the feedback, it has helped me out a lot! I will definitely take a look at the website you have linked. So happy that you enjoyed the mystery, all shall be revealed soon!

[Ashle]

I think it is interesting, you caught my attention when you were talking about that mysterious man, and it is quite mysterious so far, I am curious what will happen next!

[Siegfried]

Nice opener to a larger work. Interesting characters and a thoughtful lead voice.

Keep going.

[CLRose]

Just finish it, and we'll let you know.

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the story. Made the reader want to read and know more. You set-up the characters and the storyline. You had mystery and question in the story. I like the personal tone of the story. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[Tyrean_m]

Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you like it!

[Coyote Poetry]

I did and you are welcome.

[Cherrie Palmer]

you have a great subject line to create from. You held my attention and made me want more. That is a writers first goal. My suggestion to you is read this out loud as if telling it someone outside in the dark. If your words flow leave them but if a sentence stands out and is clumsy change it us a bit to make it flow. This will intensify the story causing the reader to pick up speed, as you lead us to the grand finish.

[Tyrean_m]

Thank you Cherrie! I really appreciate the feedback. I will definitely give this an edit tonight haha. I'm glad you like it so far!