In Search of the Blood Lotus

This is the first draft of a piece I am writing for entry in the One Sentence Horror competition. I'm interested to see what you think about it in general. I've made a few notes on various parts. If you have any ideas towards any of them, please let me kn

 

 

 

 

IN SEARCH OF THE BLOOD LOTUS (second draft)

 

The leaden glow faded as he trudged towards its source, the glamer overwhelmed by the piercing rays of dawn burning across the marsh; the caustic taste in his mouth heightened and mingled with the smell of fresh blood as its damp trail dipped across his parted lips; his vision blushed, and as he noticed the faint spread of wetting lacerations across his skin, he saw the marsh rot into its hideous blossom of bloodred petals as his legs gave way and he collapsed into the sweet stench of abyssal dawn.

 

  

 

 

IN SEARCH OF THE BLOOD LOTUS (Initial draft)

 

The dull glow was becoming less perceivable* as he trudged towards its source, the

glamer⁺ overwhelmed by the rays of dawn burning across the marsh at his back^£; the

caustic taste heightened and mingled with the smell of fresh blood as its damp trail

dipped from his nose and passed across his parted lips; his vision dulled, and as he

felt the spread of painless, wet incisions^# in his skin, he saw the marsh rot into

a hideous bloom of bloodred flowers^$ before his legs gave way and he collapsed into

the sweet stench of abyssal dawn^.

 

Notes
* I am considering changing this to harder to focus upon.
⁺ This might be superfluous, and as such, liable for cutting.
^£ I initially had from behind him in this space. Was that better?
^# Originally, multifarous incisions; also, for incisions, change to

lacerations?
^$ Find a synonym?
^ The ending is still liable to change. Other considerations are irony, death,

foliage or a synonym. I am more than open to suggestions.

Author's Note

The notes remain from the first draft, just so that you can see what's changed so far. I expect this will undergo another reworking or two before submission. I want to really thank everyone for their help so far!

Reviews

[Dorchadas]

Brilliant piece.

I absolutely love the imagery... so incredibaly descriptive and potent... really drew me in... you've created a really wonderful and vivid visual.

I definately agree with changing less perceivable to "harder to focus upon" I think it conjures up better imagery.
I don't think you'd lose anything from the overall piece by losing "the glamer" so possibly a good way to shorten it slightly if that's a worry ;)
and personally I think "at his back" is better than "from behind him" good call.
Definately "lacerations" rather than "incisions" I think lacerations is a better word to use for horror, incisions is almost clinical (grand if you're going down the Jack the Ripper type road) ~grins~
I like "petals" and "abyssal dawn" they're perfect already... I'd leave them exactly as they are.

Good luck with the competition
...bet you do great.

Amazing write ;)

[Mandi D K]

Wow...the imagery...is so vivid. It's amazing.
Just...wow that's all i can say.

[CharlieO]

God it looks like I have reviewed this three times!
Aywhen I think your changes have improved this piece. Diction is great and you have painted a really very vivid image.
Send me any changes you make.
xxx

[Todd Rose]

I agree that "harder to focus on" would be better than "less perceivable"; it just flows a lot better and sounds more natural. For the same reason I feel, at his back could be cut as you noted. If the marsh is at his back, then that also leads the reader to wonder what lies before him? Is he still in the marsh or is he coming into a new area? From all the sensory details you've provided I get the distinct feeling that he is still in the midst of the marsh. And I do think lacerations would be a wiser choice of words; again, it gives a clearer picture of what is going on. Perhaps where you've made the note on the word "flowers", petals might suffice?

[Idyllwyld]

Ah yes, complex sentences, the loophole to one-sentence restrictions.

Since you're asking....

I would replace "less perceivable" with 'fainter,' 'dimmer', 'shrinking away,' or 'escaping from him.'

"The glamer" might seem superfluous, but it helps to clarify what is being overwhelmed, if you want to be a stickler for sentence syntax. Also, unless you're using a different word than what I'm thinking of, it's spelled "glamor."

I would re-work the part: "and as he felt the spread of painless, wet incisions in his skin" to focus more directly on the wounds. Mayhap, "and the smiling gashes in his body beamed wide, drooling out blood" or "the crimson gashes across his body tore themselves open," etc.

Also, in the following line: "with the smell of fresh blood as its damp trail / dipped from his nose" would "dripped" work better?

Finally, I would try to work "abyssal dawn" back towards your setting somehow. Maybe something along the lines of "the sweet stench of the swamp's gaping maw," "the sweet stench of living decay," or "the sweet stench of hungry blood lotus."

I think making him the lotus' "food source," even implying that all who seek the blood lotus perish and serve only to nourish it (hence its name) would brings things full circle quite nicely.

[Type0]

Hmm. There's something that reminds me slightly of Poe here.

[CharlieO]

Well to start with this is a great write - even if it is a bloody long sentence.
Love the title of the piece - it sets up the readers expectations - given your being limited to one sentence this is great. Story wise I think this is fine.
On to your notes: I agree you should change the phrasing to 'harder to focus upon' - for me in flows a bit better - you have a lot of complicated diction throughout so it would be good to make it a bit more simple here. I think with your � note (how technical) the wording should remain the same - it sounds more menacing. You should change lacerations - it sounds much better. And I think the ending is fine.
Hope that helps - if you need to talk about it more then let me know.
Congrats on this write.