The Battle

Poem on how a short-term failure may lead to long-time success, and visa versa

A place for every soul,

to reach it is his goal.

Improving his skill

through his own will.

The land must be found,

then, join the battleground.

The winners share their prize,

the rest find another place to rise.

The winners are filled with pride,

when the years start to pass by.

 Their home seems dull and boring,

Recognizing the mistake, mourning

 Bringing down the wall of fire,

this is why they shall never tire.

They shall strive and try to succeed,

therefore the rest power their greed.

 

The winners maintain their ground,

while the rest spread around.

They travel from land to land,

each one even more grand.

The winners step aside in fear,

for the final result is clear.

They replaced one another,

the winners took to cover.

 

Author's Note

Several fixes to the original, mostly requiring in verse length.

Reviews

[Jessica Mai]

This has a great message and the way you expressed it, did the message justice. Awesome write

[Mauricio Montoya]

What I get from this piece is We all strive for a common goal in life, and were all in this together, at least that’s how I perceive this write.
Great job well done.

[ettorney]

I didn't read the first draft but I enjoyed reading this one. You capture pretty well the idea that winning in battle is about perseverance and skill but those alone won't keep you on top.

BTW vis versa is vice versa. ;)

[R. Nella]

I think version 2 is a big improvement, so I'm re-reviewing and giving a higher rating. The pace of the piece is now more consistent, and for me at least, it delivers the message in a much more clear and concise way.

[Devons]

The image or symbol this poem initiates in my mind is that of a board game where winners and losers take one another constantly: there are defeats and there are victories but they are by definition only positions from which to further their aims. Inspired by victory or resilliant from defeat, all anyone can do is try to find more to achieve.
In this sense the poem highlights the very deep paradox that sits restless within the human soul... The human race must always march on, always search for more, always a mosaic of blacks and whites... There is no special reason for our existence, yet we continue to search for one..
Also, this indicates to me how familiarity breeds contempt. To settle for any period of time in a state of contentment must always inevitably inspire disillusionment...
A thought-provoking and incisive piece of work. Its message overshadows its form. An ominous title, too.

The only thing I was slightly unconvinced of was that at times certain lines -and therefore certain stanzas- did not scan as nicely in terms of the whole effect as they might... It's a very subtle thing, and it may just be a question of individual perspective as to whether I am right about this small flaw...

[R. Nella]

Good message. For me, some of the lines are a bit verbose, and although I don't really have specific examples from your poem, I generally feel sequences of small words mean missed opportunities. A single word used in place of a few small ones can often convey more meaning, and for slow readers like myself, also help improve the pace of the poem. To make it quicker, "stay in their [original]" could be replaced with "maintain" for example.