The Drunken Alien

Most planets only have 1 species per planet. Earth is unique in that it was a drunk science experiment by some alien graduate students to see what happens if you put a bunch of species on one planet

"How in the Great Universe are we going to show this to the professor? What kind of genius would ever create a planet with multiple species? And not only that, we created a planet with one species that ruled the rest! What kind of maddening s**t is that?", Jurgan said as he held up the illuminated planet in his palm. He sat it on the time platform and jumped to 10 billion years. "Tell me Yagag, tell me why our planet did not survive at least 10 billion years? Please tell me why the hell it became desolate around 5.4 billion years?"

Yagag looked around his entryway, his head moving slowly from left to right. As far as it appeared, he was ignoring his best friend and as of three weeks ago, his partner for the last final of their graduate studies.

"Yagog, I'm asking you a question. And damn it man, how high are you right now?", Jurgan said, still looking angry but somewhat astonished by the level of hammered his good friend was.

Yagog used all his energy as he overcame the days of binge drinking and doing drugs with planetarian hookers from around the milky way. He reached deep down just so he could look at Jurgan in the eye and tell him what happened.

"Jurgan, man it's lost. The world we created is completely lost. I swear, I think my dog took it the first night you gave it to me. He must have took it out of my backpack." he said, his voice quivered as he walked towards Jurgan, his head hung low to the ground. "Just give me a hug so we can get through this."

Before Yagog could embrace his good friend with an endearing side hug, Jurgan threw the little planet square into his eye. It knocked him straight back about five feet right into a wall where he then slipped to the ground in pain.

"Christ Yagog, I have literally been holding it since we started talking. I don't understand how that even happens. Actually, how did any of this s**t happen? All you needed to do was monitor it for seven days for a simple and easy 5 minutes. Once a damn day! And you... you upped the ante for all pieces of s**t by losing it right from the get-go." Jurgan said, his yellow eyes bulged and drooped out of his sockets like two full catheter bags hanging from an old man's head.

Yagog peered deep into his best friend's eyes with a look of the utmost sincerity. Tears welled up in the corner of his red eye lids and soon, the floor was wet with alien juice. Before his friend could walk away in disgust, he grabbed his ankle and looked up at him.

"Jurgan, listen to me. I don't know how to sugar coat this, so I am just going to lay it on the line for you. I have a drinking problem. A drug problem, and there is a high probability that I have a hooker problem. But believe me when I tell you this. I am lying to you. I don't even have a dog man"

"I--You--I am going to kill you Yagog. I am going to emulsify you with a solar gun and then-"

Yagog interjected, calm as possible but firm enough to grab the attention of his rage filled friend.

"An imaginary dog didn't take the planet and I didn't lose it. On the contrary, I would put a wager that I was more entrenched with our little project than you ever were." He said, slowly rising to his awkwardly huge alien feet. "I developed every species that ever existed on that planet. I crafted each of them to perfection, mastering the balance like the good god that I am. I strategically modeled their coexistence with other animals through something I developed called a food chain. Everyone will eat, everyone will die, but no one will break the balance."

Jurgan was frozen, his huge mouth agape at the sudden burst of intellectual vomit that was spewing on his face.

"And of course, As I theorized, everything was running efficient other than a few mishaps, but even then, they were minor and nothing to worry about"

He hesitated slightly to give Jurgan the opportunity to speak but his best friend said nothing.

"Our planet was perfect and because the creativity we took to the project and the risk to think outside the box, I think our professor will understand. We can tell him we were just trying to make true harmony, that's it. That is what we can tell him. What really happened was I got bored of the balance, decided to put a slow-progressing, yet very powerful species in the mix. That species blossomed into an animal I had never seen before. Complex, violent, caring, loving, plus about any other adjective you can think. In short, it was glorious to watch them grow and even more glorious to watch them destroy themselves and the planet all in one bang. Can you even imagine?", He stood, his eyes square with Jurgan's.

Jurgan's scowl unwound as a smile started to form on his gelatinous face.

"You really did all of that?"

"Yes, man. Can you picture it now? We should watch the rerun. I have it right here. One-"

"Yagog, did you read the syllabus by chance? And if you didn't read the whole thing, did you happen to read the requirements for this actual project?"

"Well, I mean. No, not really."

"That's great man, really good to hear. Since I did, I suppose I can let you in on one crazy little secret... The damn planet has to survive, at a minimum, to 10 billion years old! 10 billion years Yagog, not 5.4."

"So what? I'll talk our way out of this. I swear man, just watch me."

Yagog did talk his way out of the whole ordeal. He talked his way straight out of the graduate program, took a hard right toward full blown druggie, and then straight into federal prison. He resided there for the remainder of his life and would eventually die of a sudden heart attack from years of drug abuse.

As for Jurgan, he failed the class, missed graduation for that year and was forced to retake it again the next year. Instead of going back to finish, Jurgan opted out and joined the galactic military.

From there, he would go on to be murdered in a grand war that would take place against a class of animals called "Humans". When he found out about their origin and where they live now, he thought about his drunken class mate who ruined his graduate studies program and smiled at his incredible potential. A potential to be a God and the savior of their dying race.

Reviews

[Raven Moonchild]

Dude, this is amazing. I actually once wrote a poem about the Earth being a failed science project!!! lol But this, this is WAY better. It does seem like this world was created by someone trying desperatly to pass a class with a project that they knew wasn't going to work. And they worked on it while they were very drunk. I mean, look at what all is going on in the world right now, trump is a moron and he's at the helm. Fantastically penned story, my friend. :D

[NewWriterOldWorld]

Yo! hahaha it does seem like our creators, whoever they are or he/she is, was hammered when they decided to throw our big blue planet out there.

Thanks for reading!

[Raven Moonchild]

lol COMPLETELY hammered. LMAO :D And thank you for posting this awesome story, mate. :)

[Delmar Cooper]

A grand tour of invention and imagination. I enjoyed the flippant dialogue of the two speaking characters and the plot scenario wasn't at all bad. If I had a suggestion it would be to avoid endings that are too pat, but sometime even fast finishes are in order. Bottom line it held my interest to the end and I am glad I read it.

[NewWriterOldWorld]

Hey Delmar, first off, thanks a ton for reading.

I must agree with you, the ending was definitely a little abrupt. This piece was a Writing Prompt exercise (like most of the pieces on this website), so sometimes, I feel worried about going too long.'

Anyways, thanks for the read/response.