Love's Impermanence

I know the problem with this poem. It needs m ore concrete vivid sense imagery. As such I post it here.

Should I take a lover in the spring

forgetting my jadedness, knowing

it would only last a season,

when I meet her or after I bed her,

should I tell her the impermanence

of love like blooming peonies

for a moment.

Reviews

[JMariah]

Actually, I don't think you need to add any "sense imagery"; I think it works as is. I especially like the very first line; it drew me right in. I thought the third to last line should read "should I tell her 'of' the impermanence". And in the second to last line, I thought maybe there should be a line break or a comma between the phrases "of love" and "like blooming peonies" to cause the reader to take a breath and add to the dynamic punch at the end. All in all a good poem.

[Raef C. Boylan]

"Should I tell her the impermanence
of love like momentary
blooming peonies?" - was it originally written like this? I personally think it worked better that way; there are too many syllables at the end now for it to maintain that off-hand tone that Emily mentions below.

I like how brief a piece it is; you captured something interesting in only a few lines, and I can't help but admire that.

I think I agree with JMariah that it wouldn't hurt to slow the pace towards the end with a punctuation-induced pause...not sure where would be the best place for it though. I read this quite slowly, in a reflecting tone, but the end keeps rushing itself due to lack of punctuation.

Overall, good write.
Thanks to Emily Burns for sharing this with me.

[W.k.kortas]

I don't think there is any problem with the imagery per se, but I think the piece feels very unfinished, or perhaps it's a miscast cinquain or senryu. The framework for something very fine indeed is here, but I don't see this as done.

[Emily B]

Should I take a lover in the spring

forgetting my jadedness,

knowing

it would only last a season?

Should I tell her the impermanence

of love like momentary

blooming peonies?

I like the offhand questions. It's a great technique.