Life Stolen

Even more pointless writing..

         A low whimper broke through her lips as she was reminded of the future which lay ahead of her.

         They were standing near the front door on the inside of the house, arms wrapped securely around each other. His hand was placed gently to her cheek, he stroked it softly. His other arm was wrapped around her waist. A pained expression spread across his face, then. "I'm sorry, my love, but I must go."

          Terror washed through her as she began to hold him more tightly against her. "So soon?" She whispered, her vision began to blur.

          He slowly moved his hand from her cheek to her eyes and brushed the little water drops away gently. "I'm sorry, love, I truly am, but I must take my leave."

          She buried her face in his chest then, letting out a low sob. He placed his lips into her hair, taking in her wonderful scent. He then placed a soft kiss on her head. "Shh.." He murmured sweet sounds.

          She knew just as well as he did that it was time for him to go, but that didn't mean she had to like it in the least. She pulled back slowly, looking into his sorrowful eyes. She smiled a weak smile at him and he resentfully returned the favor. "I'm being silly, aren't I? We'll talk soon, right? I don't know why I'm getting so worked up." She admitted, almost blushing.

          His expression turned apologetic. "Love..I.." He began in a low voice.

          "What is it?" She asked, not completely wanting to know the reason behind his expression.

          "I..I'm going to be away longer than I expected." He stated.

           Her face went completely expressionless. "How much longer?" She asked, horrified at what his answer might be.

           "A year, love."

           She suddenly felt weak, she dropped to her knees. A new set of tears began forming in her eyes. "A..year?" She whispered. He was soon at her side, scooping her into his arms again, carefully.

           "You take care of yourself, alright? Try not to get yourself into too much.. shenanigans," He almost chuckled."without me." He tried to smile at her, but it was a waste of effort.

            She reached up and touched his face. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I really have to go.." He trailed off.

             "Stay just a few moments longer." She pleaded in a whisper.

              He sighed once more and opened his eyes to stare at her. She looked delicate, now. Not like she usually did: tough, ready for anything. He had broken her. He knew that he was causing her a great deal of pain by not telling her about this sooner. "Love.." He whispered, slowly leaning in. She leaned in as well. Her eyes closed. "You have some sweet dreams, you hear?"

              She opened her eyes slowly, realizing what she needed most at that moment was not there. The front door was opened the slightest bit, a cool breeze coming through the crack. She felt her whole body shiver at this, and she fell to the side, tears streaming down her face. The ache in her chest was too much to bare.

              She lay there for minutes..hours..maybe days..with no intention of getting up.

               Her life seemed to be taken from her. Lost in the wind.

Reviews

[Matthew V. H.]

Holy hell! for a 13 year old you give out a story that is truly inspired. Ifthis is what you can do now i can't wait to see what you do in the future.

The fact that you leave us hanging on why he is leaving is down right evil, but i love it anyway. You convey emotions through passion and even then i would say that you could probably get a job writing for soap operas right friggin now!

i wish i was this good at 13!

[Karrar]

This is really awesome...I like the emotion drawn here...although the beginning was just a bit..sudden..

Really good work ! :-D

[DaGirlNxtDoor]

wow that was sooo amazing! very very powerful but also sad...but AMAZING JOB!!!

[Dani California]

Lauren -- are you really only 13????? OMG!!!

This is incredible! Truly incredible... !

My son in law just left for Iraq in January, and I watched my daughter
experience this .... almost exactly! You certainly captured it perfectly..
the emotions... all of it. I'm not sure you were writing about someone going
off to war, but that's what I got from it.

Again, 13? WOW!!!! I'm.... amazed

[JohnL]

I'm going to buck the trend here and not go on about age, maturity etc - just take all that as read. You ask for advice. Here's mine. As an excercise in description this is good but as story writing, it is poor. If you wish to make it in a writing career, you must grip the reader and set the picture with the first sentence and move on. Each stage has to get somewhere and at the end of the piece, arrive at a conclusion. This got nowhere. The characters are saying goodbye, he has been less than honest about his length of absence, they are going to miss each other, he goes, she is sad. Blunt facts. Somewhere between the two versions is a good first and second paragraph of what could develop into a first rate story but we don't need to know that her scent was 'wonderful'

Now for the good bit. If you are only thirteen, this is remakably mature writing.
I admire your vocabulary which is mature and researched (shenanigans - goodness me!).
Your spelling is good and you have taken care over it.
The piece is beautifully set out - paragraph indents, pause dots (.....) well used, punctuation a credit to you and dialogue well separated.

The way you use words is excellent but they need to get there faster; a short story needs a beginning (Hit them with it! Set the situation; catch the interest) a middle (this can be a bit more explicit and developed because this IS the story), and an ending that makes them say (Wow! That was worth reading) and preferably, a twist/surprise/shock even, in the tail.
For interest, in Britain, there is a tradition of broadcasting shoert stories within a 15 minute slot therefore, most writers aim for about 12 minutes of reading time.

I hope you will take this as encouragement, not a put down. It is my honest and kindly offered opinion which is what you ask for. If you like to read one or two of my short stories I would be honoured. I offer them not as the definitive and correct, but as my efforts to follow the advice I once received and now pass on and I welcome hard criticism if it is well meant and fair.

[jessjess]

brilliant. absolutely brilliant. have you ever read dramione? i think you would like it.

[Catastrophe]

That's heartbreaking, you have a beautiful way of writing, truly amazing...
great job

[I love you; just not to..]

Wow. I seriously wished I could write like this. This is very good for a 13 year old. Honstly. keep writtting.

[Tiffany]

Beautifully crafted. I love this writing. So sad and I love the last sentance. Well done.

[Lestat's daughter]

Damn, I wish I could write like that! The story I'm working on is no where near as good!